Friday, October 29, 2004

Gotta Love Little Boys

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight", the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?"

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one."

The Cab Ride

Twenty years ago, I drove a cab for a living.
When I arrived at 2:30 a.m.,
the building was dark except for a single light in a ground floor window.
Under these circumstances,
many drivers would just honk once or twice,
wait a minute, then drive away.
But, I had seen too many impoverished people who depended on taxis as
their only means of transportation.
Unless a situation smelled of danger,
I always went to the door.
This passenger might be someone who needs my assistance,
I reasoned to myself.
So I walked to the door and knocked.
"Just a minute", answered a frail,
elderly voice.
I could hear something
being dragged across the floor.
After a long pause, the door opened.
A small woman in her 80's stood before me.
She was wearing a print dress and had
a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on her head,
like somebody out of a 1940s movie.
By her side was a small nylon suitcase.
The apartment looked as if
no one had lived in it for years.
All the furniture was covered with sheets.
There were no clocks on the walls,
no knickknacks or utensils on the counters.
In the corner was a cardboard box
filled with photos and glassware.
"Would you carry my bag out to the car?" she said.
I took the suitcase to the cab,
then returned to assist the woman.
She took my arm and
we walked slowly toward the curb.
She kept thanking me for my kindness.
"It's nothing", I told her.
"I just try to treat my passengers
the way I would want my mother treated."
"Oh, you're such a good boy", she said.
When we got in the cab,
she gave me an address, then asked,
"Could you drive through downtown?"
"It's not the shortest way,"
I answered quickly.
"Oh, I don't mind," she said. "I'm in no hurry.
I'm on my way to a hospice."
I looked in the rear-view mirror.
Her eyes were glistening.
"I don't have any family left," she continued.
"The doctor says I don't have very long."
I quietly reached over
and shut off the meter.
"What route would you like me to take?"
I asked.
For the next two hours,
we drove through the city.
She showed me the building where she had
once worked as an elevator operator.
We drove through the neighborhood
where she and her husband had lived
when they were newlyweds.
She had me pull up in front of a
furniture warehouse that had once
been a ballroom where she had
gone dancing as a girl.
Sometimes she'd ask me to slow down
in front of a particular building or corner
and would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing.
As the first hint of sun
was creasing the horizon,
she suddenly said,
"I'm tired. Let's go now."
We drove in silence
to the address she had given me.
It was a low building,
like a small convalescent home,
with a driveway that
passed under a portico.
Two orderlies came out to the cab
as soon as we pulled up.
They were solicitous and intent,
watching her every move.
They must have been expecting her.
I opened the trunk and took
the small suitcase to the door.
The woman was already
seated in a wheelchair.
"How much do I owe you?"
she asked, reaching into her purse.
"Nothing," I said.
"You have to make a living," she answered.
"There are other passengers," I responded.
Almost without thinking,
I bent and gave her a hug.
She held onto me tightly.
"You gave an old woman
a little moment of joy," she said.
"Thank you."
I squeezed her hand,
then walked into the dim morning light.
Behind me, a door shut.
It was the sound of the closing of a life.
I didn't pick up any more
passengers that shift.
I drove aimlessly lost in thought.
For the rest of that day, I could hardly talk.
What if that woman had gotten
an angry driver,
or one who was impatient to end his shift?
What if I had refused to take the run,
or had honked once, then drove away?
On a quick review,
I don't think that I have ever done
anything more important in my life.
We're conditioned to think that
our lives revolve around great moments.
But great moments often catch us unaware--
beautifully wrapped in what others
may consider a small one.

New Viruses

Watch out for these new viruses - Neither Symantec nor McAfee have solutions as yet!!!

The George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction.

The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory.

The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to just keep counting and re-counting.

The Bob Dole (aka Viagra) Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, and then e-mails everyone about what it did.

The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.

The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes.

The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, and then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 150 GB.

The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted.

The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

The Joey Buttafuoco Virus - Only attacks minor files.

The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, and then discards it through Windows.

Ain't It the Truth?

Thought I'd let my doctor check me,
'Cause I didn't feel quite right. . .
All those aches and pains annoyed me
And I couldn't sleep at night.
He could find no real disorder
But he wouldn't let it rest.
What with Medicare and Blue Cross,
We would do a couple tests.
To the hospital he sent me
Though I didn't feel that bad.
He arranged for them to give me
Every test that could be had.
I was fluoroscoped and cystoscoped,
My aging frame displayed.
Stripped, on an ice cold table,
While my gizzards were x-rayed.
I was checked for worms and parasites,
For fungus and the crud,
While they pierced me with long needles
Taking samples of my blood.
Doctors came to check me over,
Probed and pushed and poked around,
And to make sure I was living
They then wired me for sound.
They have finally concluded,
Their results have filled a page.
What I have will someday kill me;
My affliction is OLD AGE.....


A Question

If we flew the flag at half staff for 30 days for President Reagan,
will we have to wear our pants
around our knees for 30 days when Clinton dies?

Seven Degrees of Blonde


A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone,
listened a moment and said,
"How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?"
The wife said, "I don't know,
some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."


Two blondes are walking down the street.
One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it
up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person
looks familiar."
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"
So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says,
"You dummy, it's me!"


A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes
out and buys a gun.
She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she
opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry.
She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she
is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"


A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She
proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."


What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was
"Is it mine?"


Bambi, a blonde in her third year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her
US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew
what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question then finally said,
"That was the decision George Washington had to make
before he crossed the Delaware."


Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her
house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at
once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9
unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer
approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out
on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then
sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned,
"I come home to find all my possessions stolen.
I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman."

Apartment for Rent

A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the night with her for $500. So they do. Before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.

On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check
for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:

Dear Madam:
Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented
the apartment, I was under the impression that;

1) it had never been occupied
2) that there was plenty of heat
3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:

Dear Sir,
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.
Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlady.
Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact
your present landlady.

The 7 Dwarfs of Menopause

The Seven Dwarfs of Menopause arrived at my door without warning: Itchy, Bitchy, Sweaty, Sleepy, Bloated, Forgetful and All-Dried-Up.

One by one they crept into my own private cottage in the woods and started to take over my life.

The first to arrive was Itchy. I developed this itch on my right calf that was so irritating, I wanted to scratch the skin right off my body.

Then Bitchy came to my door. No longer was my PMS contained to one or two days a month--it felt like constant PMS. Then I would swing from Bitchy to Weepy for God's sake, what was wrong with me?

Ding-dong......It's the middle of the night and Sweaty has crawled into bed with me. Oh, yes, Sweaty brought embarrassing hot flashes and introduced me to night sweats where it seemed as if a faucet had been attached between my breasts.

Of course Sweaty brought about Sleepy because I was tired all the time. I would wake up so many times in the night and not be able to get back to sleep.

Bloated crept in slowly, my once-svelte figure got thick through the middle section, even though I was following my weight-loss program that had worked so well for so many years!

I can't quite remember when Forgetful arrived, but one day my brain stopped working. I considered myself a pretty focused woman until Forgetful came and I could not keep a coherent thought in my brain.

Last, All-Dried-Up slowly encroached upon my happy life.. This was probably the most unpleasant of the dwarf family. Sex was no longer on my list at all. My husband would give me that knowing look, and I would think, "Frankly, I'd rather have a smoothie." Can you relate???

The Cracked Pot

A water bearer in India had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water.

At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full. For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water in his house.

Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.

After 2 years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream.
"I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you. I have been able to deliver only half of my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house. Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don't get full value from your efforts," the pot said.

The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers onlhy on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side? That's because I have always known about your flaw, and I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you've watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house."

Moral: Each of us has our own unique flaws.
We're all cracked pots,
but it's the cracks and flaws we each have
that make our lives together
so very interesting and rewarding.
You've just got to take each person for what they are,
and look for the good in them.

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

7 Reasons Not to Mess with Children

1. A little girl: was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher: said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl: stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher: reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

2. A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

3. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "Honor thy Father and thy Mother", she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

4. One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

5. The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead. "

6. A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."

7. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

A Warning

This has happened to me and I felt the need to warn my friends. I have read this before but felt the need to pass it around again. Beware!

Subject: A Warning

This is a "heads up" to those friends who haven't experienced it yet and an explanation to those friends and family who have. Most of you have read the scare-mail about the person whose kidneys were stolen while he was passed out. Well, read on. While that was an "urban legend," this one is not.
It's happening every day.
My thighs were stolen from me during the night of August 3rd a few years ago. It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone else's thighs. The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been wholly, if imperfectly, mine for years. Whose thighs were these? What happened to mine?
I spent the entire summer looking for them. I searched, in vain, at pools and beaches, anywhere I might find female limbs exposed. I became obsessed.
I had nightmares filled with cellulite and flesh that turns to bumps in the night. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and Sheer Energy pantyhose.
Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again. My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang because they took pains to match my new rear end (although badly attached at least three inches lower than the original) to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier. Now my rear complimented my legs, lump for lump. Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion.
It was 2 years ago when I realized my arms had been switched. One morning while fixing my hair, I watched, horrified but fascinated, as the flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush.
This was really getting scary. My body was being replaced, cleverly and fiendishly, one section at a time.
Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age was supposed to creep up, unnoticed and intangible, something like maturity. NO, I was being attacked, repeatedly and without warning.
In the end, in deepening despair, I gave up my T-shirts. What could they do to me next? My eyes began to remind people that they needed a new pair of Hush Puppies. My poor neck disappeared more quickly than the Thanksgiving turkey it now reminded me of.
That's why I've decided to tell my story; I can't take on the medical profession by myself. Women of America, wake up and smell the coffee! That isn't really "plastic" those surgeons are using. You know where they're getting those replacement parts, don't you? The next time you suspect someone has had a face "lifted," look again! Was it lifted from you?
Check out those tummy tucks and buttocks raisings. Look familiar? Are those your eyelids on that movie star? I think I finally may have found my thighs...and I hope that Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them!
This is NOT a hoax!
This is happening to women in every town every night.
Warn all your friends.
P.S. I feel much better knowing this is happening, I thought I was just getting old! I must say that last year I thought someone had stolen my breasts. I was lying in bed and they were gone. As I sprang from my bed I was relieved to see that they were just hiding in my pajama bottoms. After reading this, I will keep them hidden in my waistband!

Nails in the Fence

There once was a little boy who had a terrible temper.
His Father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence. The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence.
Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down.
He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.
Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all.
He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper.
The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone. The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence.
He said, "You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave scars just like these holes. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won't matter how many times you say I'm sorry, the wound is still there, and a verbal wound is as bad as a physical one."

Blondes are Smarter?

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench one evening, looking at the moon and talking.
One blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther ........Florida or the moon"?
The other blonde rolls her eyes, turns and says, "Helloooooooooooooooooooo, can you see Florida from here?"...

Trick or Treat

First of all, I must stress that I am not racist. I am an equal opportunity offender...nobody is safe.

Now on with the joke:

A little boy and girl go trick or treating.

They knock on the door of this house and the man who answers it says, "Well, you two are awful cute.

Who are you supposed to be?"

"We're Jack and Jill" she replied.

The man says, "You can't be Jack and Jill, you're black!"

So, they go off and a while later they come back, dressed differently.

They ring the doorbell once again and the man opens the door.

"Well, now, that is just darn cute.

Who are you this time?"

"We're Hansel and Gretel" says the little boy.

"Well, I hate to disappoint you son, but you can't be Hansel and Gretel because you're black!"

Heads hung low, they leave.

Not too much later, the man hears the bell ring again.

This time when he opens the door there stand the two children, but this time they are BUCK NAKED.

"Oh my! And just who are you supposed to be now?!" he asks.

"Chocolate M &M's," said the little girl.
"I'm plain. He's got nuts."

Monday, October 25, 2004

Donkey for Sale

A city boy, young Kenny, moved to the country and
bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son,
but I have some bad news, the donkey died."
Kenny replied, "Well, then, just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Kenny said, "Ok, then, just unload the donkey."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off."
Farmer, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Kenny, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell
anybody he is dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked,
"What happened with that dead donkey?"
Kenny, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two
dollars a piece and made a profit of $998.00."
Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?"
Kenny, "Just the guy who won.
So I gave him his two dollars back."

Kenny grew up and eventually became
the chairman of Enron.

Girls Night Out

Two women friends had gone for a Girls Night Out,
and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic
on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home,
they needed to pee.

They were very near a graveyard and
one of them suggested they do their business
behind a head stone or something.

The first woman had nothing to wipe with so
she thought she'd take off her panties,
use them, then throw them away.

Her friend, however, was wearing rather
expensive underwear and didn't want to ruin hers,
but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon
from a wreath that was on one of the graves and
proceeded to wipe herself with that.

After finishing,
they then made off for home.

The next day, the first woman's husband phoned
the other husband and said;
"These damn girls nights out have got to stop.
My wife came home lastnight without her panties."

"That's nothing" said the other,
"Mine came back with a card stuck
between the cheeks of her ass that said;
'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.'"

Two Tough Questions

Question 1:
If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?

Read the next question before looking at the answer for this one.

Question 2:
It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three leading candidates.

Candidate A -
Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists.
He's had two Mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B -
He was kicked ou t of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.

Candidate C -
He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.

Which of these candidates would be your Choice?
Decide first, no peeking, then scroll down for the answer.

Candidate A: is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B: is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C: is Adolph Hitler.

And, by the way, the answer to the abortion question: If you said yes, you just killed Beethoven.

Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think before judging someone.

Never be afraid to try something new.

Amateurs built the Ark
Professionals built the Titanic

and in case you never saw this one..! ....

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:
* 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
* 7 have been arrested for fraud
* 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
* 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
* 3 have done time for assault
* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
* 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
* 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
* 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
* 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is?

Give up yet?

It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group of idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.

Ways to Turn Men Down

Man: Haven't I seen you some place before?
Woman: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: Can I buy you a drink?
Woman: Actually I'd rather have the money.

Man: How did you get to be so beautiful?
Woman: I must have been given your share.

Man: Your face must turn a few heads.
Woman: And your face must turn a few stomachs.

Man: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
Woman: Okay, get out.

Man: I think I could make you very happy.
Woman: Why? Are you leaving?

Man: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
Woman: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

Man: Can I have your name?
Woman: Why? Don't you already have one?

Man: Shall we go see a movie?
Woman: I've already seen one.

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.

Senior Dress Code

Many of us "Old Folks" (those over 40, WAY over 40 or
hovering near 40) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we
are correct as we try to conform to current fashions.
Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided at all costs:
1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Short shorts and varicose veins
12. Inline skates and a walker
And last, but not least . . . my personal favorite:
13. Thongs and Depends
Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your
mind when you shop. Society will thank you.

Tax Time

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says,
"Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions."
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc.,and then asks, "What is your occupation?"
The woman replies, "I'm a high-priced whore."
The accountant balks and says,
"No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."
"No, that is still too crude.Try again."
They both think for a minute, then the woman states,
"I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a call girl?".
"Well, I raised over 700 little peckers last year."

Sipping Vodka

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.

If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"

12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Senior Moments

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."
When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea." Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . please advise." The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.
I said, "Well, why are you crying?" She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with w! ine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m." I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?" She said, "I can't remember where I live!"
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked! at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
Grant me the senility to forget
the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into
the ones I do like,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 10. Oh hell, send it to a bunch of your friends - if you can remember who they are. Then something is supposed to happen . . . . I think. . . . . :o)

Tech Support Hell

I had this conversation recently with a lady who swore she had
been using computers since forever.
Tech Support: "All right. Now click 'OK'."
Customer: "Click 'OK'?"
Tech Support: "Yes, click 'OK'."
Customer: "Click 'OK'?"
Tech Support: "That's right. Click 'OK'."
Customer: "So I click 'OK', right?"
Tech Support: "Right. Click 'OK'."
Customer: "I clicked 'Cancel'."
Tech Support: "YOU CLICKED 'CANCEL'???"
Customer: "That's what I was supposed to do, right?"
Tech Support: "No, you were supposed to click 'OK'."
Customer: "I thought you said to click 'Cancel'."
Tech Support: "NO. I said to click 'OK'."
Customer: "Oh."
Tech Support: "Now we have to start over."
Customer: "Why?"
Tech Support: "Because you clicked 'Cancel'."
Customer: "Wasn't I supposed to click 'Cancel'?"
Tech Support: "No. Forget that. Let's start from the top."
Customer: "Ok."
I spent the next fifteen minutes re-constructing the carefully
crafted setup for this lady's unique computer.
Tech Support: "All right. Now, are you ready to click 'OK'?"
Customer: "Yes."
Tech Support: "Great. Now click 'OK'."
Customer: "I clicked 'Cancel'."
And people wonder why my mouse pad has a target on it labeled

Dan Rather

Dan Rather of CBS news was seated next to Little Tommy
on the plane when Rather turned to the boy and said,
"Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you
strike up a conversation with your fellow passengers."

Little Tommy, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly,
and said to Rather, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know." said Rather, "How about politics?
Should we keep Bush as president or elect Kerry?"
"OK" said Little Tommy, "That could be an interesting topic,
but let me ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow and a deer all eat grass.
The same stuff.
Yet a deer excretes little pellets,
while a cow turns out flat patties,
and a horse excretes clumps of dried grass.
Why do you think that is?"
"Jeez" said Rather, "I have no idea."
"Well, then" said Little Tommy,

"How is it you feel qualified to discuss

who should run this country

when you don't know shit?"