Tuesday, February 28, 2006


Three ducks walked into a bar.....

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.

"Oh! That nice." said the bartender.

He turned to the second duck. "Hi, and what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So, how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked.

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball, too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.

"My name is Puddles."


A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do a seven-day experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quick grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God's Holy Word and praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and in traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "You fellows don't know what trouble is until you try to circumcise a bear!


An American is having breakfast one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Frenchman: "You American folk eat the whole bread??"

American (in a bad mood): "Of course."

Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

The American listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"

American: "Of Course."

Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).

"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to the states."

After a moment of silence, The American then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"

Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.

American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."

American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum and sell them to France."

Nookie Green

A young Catholic man goes to confession and says," Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month.

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's."

Soon after, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Green?

"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.

"Very well," sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."

At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop dead gorgeous woman enters the sanctuary.

The eyes of every man in the church fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the Priest. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart. The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, "Is that Nookie Green?"

The bug-eyed altar boy can't believe his ears but replies, "No, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."

Ole & Lena

Vell, Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church. Lena went every Sunday and taught Sunday School. Ole went on Christmas and Easter and once in a while, he went on one of the other Sundays. On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Lena and he noticed vhat a fine looking woman she was.

Vhile dey were taking up the collection, Ole leaned forward and said, "Hey, Lena, how about you and me go to dinner in New Ulm next Friday?"

"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.

Well, Ole couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up his old Ford, and on Friday he picked Lena up and took her to the finest restaurant in New Ulm. When they sat down, Ole looked over at Lena and said, "Hey, Lena, vould you like a cocktail before dinner?"

"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"

Vell, Ole was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner.

Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. "Hey, Lena," said Ole, "vould you like a smoke?"

"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"

Vell, Ole vas feeling pretty low after that, so he yust got in his Ford and vas driving Lena home ven dey passed the Hot Springs Motel. He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose.

"Hey, Lena," said Ole, "how vould you like to stop at that motel with me?"

"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.

Vell, Ole couldn't believe his luck. He did a U-turn right then and
there across the median and everything, and drove back to the motel and checked in vith Lena.

The next morning Ole got up first. He looked at Lena lying there in the bed, her hair all spread out on her pillow. "Vat have I done? Vat have I done?" thought Ole.

He shook Lena and she woke up. "Lena, I've got to ask you von ting," said Ole. "Vat are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"

"Lena said, "The same ting I alvays tell dem. You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time!"

Points to Ponder


Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington, and they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.


They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.


The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse? You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians...It
creates a hostile work environment.

And Last but not least.....

George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart.....

"Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars.

O.J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the one woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and haul her ass off to jail."

This explains why we forward jokes

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was
enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.
He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years.
He wondered where the road was leading them.
After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along
one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.
When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold.
He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.
When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"
"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.
"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.
"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water
brought right up."
The man gestured, and the gate began to open.
"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?"
the traveler asked.
"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."
The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.
After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill,
he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.
As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning
against a tree and reading a book.
"Excuse me!" he called to the man. "Do you have any water?"
"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in."
"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the
"There should be a bowl by the pump."
They went through the gate, a sure enough, there was an
old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.
The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink
himself, then he gave some to the dog.
When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.
"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.
"This is Heaven," he answered.
"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down
the road said that was Heaven, too."
"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly
gates? Nope. That's hell."
"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like
"No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who
would leave their best friends behind."


Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word.

Maybe this will explain.

When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch,
guess what you do? You forward jokes.

When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep
contact, you forward jokes.

When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how, you forward jokes.

Also to let you know that you are still remembered, you are
still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for,
guess what you get?

A forwarded joke.

So, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've
been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.

You are all welcome @ my water bowl anytime.....


The morning's sermon was "Forgive Your Enemies." Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

80% of the congregation held up their hands.

The Minister then asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies.

This time all responded, except one small, elderly lady in the back of the church.

"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" the Minister asked.

"I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," she replied.

"Oh, Mrs. Jones. Would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world."

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle,

faced the congregation and said,

"It's not hard to understand.

I simply outlived the bitches!"










The Death of An Engineer

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.
St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer --
you're in the wrong place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of
comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.
After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and
escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer,
"So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air
conditioning and flushing toilets and escalators, and there's no
telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake --
he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff,
and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right.
And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

Immigration test

Pedro was trying to get into the U.S. legally through Immigration.

The Officer said "Pedro, you have passed all the tests, except there is one more test. Unless you pass it you cannot enter the U.S."

Pedro said, " I am ready."

The officer said, "Make a sentence using Yellow, Pink and Green."

Pedro thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am ready."

The Officer said "Go ahead."

Pedro said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Pedro.'"

Needless to say, Pedro now lives in a neighborhood near you.

Have a nice day!

Top Nerd T-shirts

1. "If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my
computer...oh wait, he does."
2. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
3. 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
4. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
5. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
6. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
7. Best file compression around: "DEL." = 100% compression
8. BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
9. The name is Baud, James Baud.
10. Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
11. As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
12. Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
13. Backups? We don' NEED no steenking backups.
14. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C. (Y/n)?
15. Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
16. SENILE.COM found... Out Of Memory...
17. All computers wait at the same speed.
18. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...
19. All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
20. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
21. "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981
22. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
23. Press CTRL-ALT-DEL to continue...

Floating the Corporate Ladder

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to
steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in
getting it out of the plane and home.

Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a
Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the
chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated
when the raft was inflated.

They are no longer employed at Boeing.

You gotta be kiddin' me

A lot of people ask where the saying "You gotta be kiddin' me" came from. Here's the story behind it....

Way back, George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops. They were packed into the boats.
It was extremely dark and storming furiously. The water was tossing them back and forth. Finally Washington grabbed Corporal Peters and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it so they could see where they were heading.

Corporal Peters stood up braving the wind and driving rain, swinging the lantern back and forth. A while later a big gust of wind hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware.

Washington and his troops searched for hours trying to find Corporal Peters but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one their favorites.

An hour later Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them they must go on.

After awhile, Washington and his men could go no further.
One of his men said, "General, I see lights ahead."

They trudged towards the lights and came upon a huge house there in the woods. What they didn't know was this was a house of ill repute hidden in the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open and the madam looked out to see Washington and all his men. A huge smile came across her face to see so many men standing there.

Washington spoke up, "Ma'am, I'm General George Washington and these are my men. We're tired and exhausted and desperately need warmth and comfort for a while.

Again the Madam looked at all the men standing there and with a broad smile on her face said, "Well General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?"

Washington said, "Well ma'am, there are thirty two of us without

She looked at him and said: "You gotta be kiddin' me."


The high school coaches in Boise, Idaho went to a coaches' retreat. To save money they had to room together.

No one wanted to room with Coach Daryl because he snored so bad. They decide it's not fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they vote to take turns.

The first coach sleeps with Daryl and comes to breakfast next morning with his hair a mess, eyes all bloodshot.

They say, "Man, what happened to you?"

He said, "Man, that Daryl snored so loud, I watched him all night."

The next night it was a different coach's turn.

In the morning, same thing -- hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

They say, "Man,what happened to you? You look awful!"

He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player-looking type of man's man.

Next morning, he comes to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed.

"Good morning."

They can't believe it! They say, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed.

I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night.

He watched me all night long."


Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail."

Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself.

The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled.

He said, "I brought these."

The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"

He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."




Sheriff Joe Arpaio (in Arizona) who created the "tent city jail."
He has jail meals down to 40 cents a serving and charges the inmates for them.
He stopped smoking and porno magazines in the jails.
Took away their weights. Cut off all but "G" movies.

He started chain gangs so the inmates could do free work on county and city projects.
Then he started chain gangs for women so he wouldn't get sued for discrimination.

He took away cable TV until he found out there was a federal court order that required cable TV for jails. So he hooked up the cable TV again only let in the Disney channel and the weather channel.

When asked why the weather channel he replied, so they will know how hot it's gonna be while they are working on my chain gangs.

He cut off coffee since it has zero nutritional value.

When the inmates complained, he told them, "This isn't the Ritz/Carlton. If you don't like it, don't come back."

He bought Newt Gingrich' lecture series on videotape that he pipes into the jails.

When asked by a reporter if he had any lecture series by a Democrat, he replied that a democratic lecture series might explain why a lot of the inmates were in his jails in the first place.

More on the Arizona Sheriff:

With temperatures being even hotter than usual in Phoenix (116 degrees just set a new record), the Associated Press reports:

About 2,000 inmates living in a barbed-wire-surrounded tent encampment at the Maricopa County Jail have been given permission to strip down to their government-issued pink boxer shorts.

On Wednesday, hundreds of men wearing boxers were either curled up on their bunk beds or chatted in the tents, which reached 138 degrees inside the week before.

Many were also swathed in wet, pink towels as sweat collected on their chests and dripped down to their pink socks.

"It feels like we are in a furnace," said James Zanzot, an inmate who has lived in the tents for 3 years. "It's inhumane."

Joe Arpaio, the tough-guy sheriff who created the tent city and long ago started making his prisoners wear pink, and eat bologna sandwiches, is not one bit sympathetic. He said Wednesday that he told all of the inmates: "It's 120 degrees in Iraq and our soldiers are living in tents too, and they have to wear full battle gear, but they didn't commit any crimes, so shut your damned mouths!"

Way to go, Sheriff! Maybe if all prisons were like this one there would be a lot less crime and/or repeat offenders. Criminals should be punished for their crimes - not live in luxury until it's time for their parole, only to go out and commit another crime so they can get back in to live on taxpayers money and enjoy things taxpayers can't afford to have for themselves.

Man of the House

The husband had finished his book, "Man Of The House," by the time he
reached home. He stormed into the house and walked directly up to his
wife, pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you
to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want
you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating
my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then you are going to
make love with me where, when and how I tell you to! Then, after that,
you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And, when I'm finished
with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife responded, "The Funeral Director."

Three Wishes

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He
picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie. The genie says
"Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you
three wishes."

The man says "Great. I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what
I want. First, I want 1 Billion dollars in a Swiss bank account."

Phoof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account
numbers appears in his hand. He continues, "Next, I want a brand new
red Ferrari right here."

Phoof! There is a flash of light and a bright red brand-new Ferrari
appears right next to him. He continues, "Finally, I want to be
irresistible to women."

Phoof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of


Please pause a moment, reflect back, and take the following multiple choice test. The events are actual events from history. They really did happened!!!

Do you remember?

1. 1968 Bobby Kennedy was shot and killed by:

a. Superman
b. Jay Leno
c. Harry Potter
d. A Muslim male extremist between the ages of 17 and 40

2. In 1972 at the Munich Olympics, athletes were kidnapped and massacred by:

a. Olga Corbett
b. Sitting Bull
c. Arnold Schwarzenegger
d. Muslim male extremists between the ages of 17 and 40

3. In 1979, the US embassy in Iran was taken over by:

a. Lost Norwegians
b. Elvis Presley
c. A tour bus full of 80-year-old women
d. Muslim male extremists between the ages of 17 and 40

4. During the 1980's a number of Americans were kidnapped in Lebanon by:

a. John Dillinger
b. The King of Sweden
c. The Boy Scouts
d. Muslim male extremists between the ages of 17 and 40

5. In 1983, the US Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:

a. A pizza delivery boy
b. Pee Wee Herman
c. Geraldo Rivera
d. Muslim male extremists between the ages of 17 and 40

6. In 1985 the cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked and a 70 year old American passenger was murdered and thrown overboard in his wheelchair by:

a. The Smurfs
b. Davy Jones
c. The Little Mermaid
d. Muslim male extremists between the ages of 17 and 40

7. In 1985 TWA flight 847 was hijacked at Athens, and a U. S. Navy diver trying to rescue passengers was murdered by:

a. Captain Kidd
b. Charles Lindberg
c. Mother Teresa
d. Muslim male extremists between the ages of 17 and 40

8. In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by:

a. Scooby Doo
b. The Tooth Fairy
c. Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid
d. Muslim male extremists between the ages of 17 and 40

9. In 1993 the World Trade Center was bombed the first
time by:

a. Richard Simmons
b. Grandma Moses
c. Michael Jordan
d. Muslim male extremists between the ages of 17 and 40

10. In 1998, the US embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by:

a. Mr. Rogers
b. Hillary Clinton, to distract attention from Wild Bill's women problems
c. The World Wrestling Federation
d. Muslim male extremists between the ages of 17 and 40

11. On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked; two were used as missiles to take out the World Trade Centers and of the remaining two, one crashed into the US Pentagon and the other was diverted and crashed by the passengers.
Thousands of people were killed by:

a. Bugs Bunny, Wiley E. Coyote, Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd
b. The Supreme Court of Florida
c. Mr. Bean
d. Muslim male extremists between the ages of 17 and 40

12. In 2002 the United States fought a war in Afghanistan against:

a. Enron
b. The Lutheran Church
c. The NFL
d. Muslim male extremists between the ages of 17 and 40

13. In 2002 reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and murdered by:

a. Bonnie and Clyde
b. Captain Kangaroo
c. Billy Graham
d. Muslim male extremists between the ages of 17 and 40

Nope, I really don't see a pattern here to justify profiling, do you? So, to ensure we Americans never offend anyone, particularly fanatics intent on killing us, airport security screeners will no longer be allowed to profile certain people.

They must conduct random searches of 80-year-old women, little kids, airline pilots with proper identification, 85-year old Congressmen with metal hips, and Medal of Honor winning and former Governor Joe Foss, but leave Muslim Males between the ages 17 and 40 alone lest they be guilty of profiling.


I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court.

I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors; green, red, orange, and blue.

The old man kept staring at him.

The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked,

"What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

The old man did not bat an eye in his response.

He replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock.

I was just wondering if you were my son."

A story with a moral

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt.

God works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!"

The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine, celebrate our good fortune and see where the evening leads."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police....


Women are clever, evil bitches.

Don't mess with them...


This is a true story.

(If you are a father, you will probably relate to this.)

I Love Mustard.

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection: a thick slab of ham on a fresh bun with crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard.

The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to
the table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.

"Here, hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my
sandwich," she said.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.

I love mustard.

I had no napkin.

I licked it off.

It was NOT mustard!

No man ever put a baby down faster.

It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding out.

With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine
shoeshine boys do; only I did it on my tongue.

Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my wife said, "Now you know why they call that fancy mustard, "Poupon."

To Avoid the Flu

Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.

Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.

Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.

Walk for at least an hour a day, go for a swim,
take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.

Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them,
keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.

Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever possible.

Get plenty of rest.

Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you


Take the doctor's office approach.
Think about it...
When you go for a shot, what do they do first?
Clean your arm with alcohol..
Because alcohol kills germs.


I walk to the liquor store. (exercise )

I put lime in my Corona...(fruit)

Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)

Drink outdoors on the bar patio..(fresh air)

Tell jokes, laugh..(eliminate stress)

Then pass out. (rest)

The way I see it...

If you keep your alcohol levels up, flu germs can't get you!!!!

My grandmother always said,

"A shot in the glass is better than one in the ass!"


Paolo Pialla walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a shoe store.

Each day he stops and looks in the window and admires a certain pair of Boccelli leather shoes.

He wants those shoes so much it's all he can think about.

After 2 months he saves $300 for them.

Every Friday night the Italian community gets together at a dance at the Veneto Club, so Paolo seizes the opportunity to wear his new Boccelli leather shoes to the dance.

He askes Sophia to dance, and as they dance he asks her, "Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?"

"Yes, Paolo, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?"

Paolo replies, "I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?"

Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he says to her, "Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?"

Rosa answers, "Yes, Paolo, I do, but how do you know that?"

He answers, "I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?"

Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Paolo asks Carmella to dance.

Midway through the dance his face turns red.

He says, "Carmella, be stilla my heart. Pleasa tella me you wear no panties tonight, pleasa, pleasa, tella me thisa be true!"

Carmella smiles coyly and answers, "Yes Paolo, I wear no panties tonight."

Paolo gasps and says, "Thanka God... I thought I had a CRACK in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes."

Robbery Gone Wrong

A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown
Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup.
Put all your muny in this bag."

While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he
began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call
the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank
of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.

After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells
Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that
he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could
not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of
America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells
Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left.

He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at
Bank of America.