Sunday, April 16, 2006

Why females should avoid a "girl's-night-out" after they are married

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls."

I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the Margaritas went down way too

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), so as to avoid a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him, "Midnight."

He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

I asked him, "Why?"

He said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh, shit!" and cuckooed 4 more times, it cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then it
tripped over the coffee table and farted."


His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.

Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.

"Becky my darling," he whispered. "Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."

He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "Everything's all right, go to sleep."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know, sweetheart," whispered Becky.

"Let the poison work."


1. Life is sexually transmitted.

2. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

3. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich!

4. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

5. Some people are like Slinkies..... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

6. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

7. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

8. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

9. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

10. In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

11. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the
first one.

Think Twice

"I'll bet you have to think twice before you leave your wife alone at
night." one man said to the other.

"I'll say." replied the second, "First, I have to think up a reason
for going out. Second, I have to think up why she can't go with me."

Perfect Man

A man walked out into the street in New York, and managed to flag down
a taxi just driving by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said,
"Perfect timing. You're just like Dave."

The passenger said, "Who?"

The cabbie said, "Dave Bronson. Now there's a guy who did everything
right. Like my coming along just when you needed a cab. It would have
happened like that to Dave."

The rider said, "Well, nobody's perfect."

The cabbie said, "Dave was. He was a terrific athlete. He could have
gone on the pro tour in golf. He could have played tennis with the
best pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway
star. He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's
birthday. He could fix anything, not like me. If I change even a fuse,
I black out the whole neighborhood."

The rider said, "No wonder you remember him."

The cabbie said, "Well, no I never actually met Dave."

The rider asked, "Then how do you know so much about him?"

The cabbie exclaimed, " I married his widow!"


An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice, with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and grapefruit trees.

The pond was fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old man decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, to look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw there were a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Old men can still think fast.

A Nun in Hooters

A Nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off.

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the Nun, dressed in the traditional floor-length black habit, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the Nun.

So, the bartender showed the Nun to the back of the restaurant, and she proceeded to the restroom.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the Nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand.
Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink? It's on the house"

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled Nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"

Misc Crap

In the 1400's a law was set forth that a man was not allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb."

Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska.

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this....) The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%!

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400.

The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000.

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades - King David , Hearts - Charlemagne, Clubs -Alexander, the Great, and Diamonds - Julius Caesar

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of
natural causes.

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey

Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase.......... "goodnight, sleep tight."

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down." It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's."

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.....


How Dogs And Men Are The Same:

1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
3. Both mark their territory.
4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
6. Neither does any dishes.
7. Both fart shamelessly.
8. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
9. Both like dominance games.
10. Both are suspicious of the postman.
11. Neither understands what you see in cats.

How Dogs Are Better Than Men:

1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
6. Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.)
7. You can train a dog.
8. Dogs are easy to buy for.
9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.
(OK, the really worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).
10. Dogs understand what "no" means.
11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

Top Ten Reasons Why A Dog Is Better Than A Woman:

10. A dog's parents will never visit you.
9. A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
8. A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
7. A dog never expects you to telephone.
6. A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.
5. A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.
4. A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog
3. A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.
2. The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.
1. A dog does not shop.

Life Lessons Learned From A Dog:

1. If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want. 2. Don't go out without ID.
3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on their shoes.
4. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
5. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
6. Always give people a friendly greeting.
7. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged shamefully out from under the bed).
8. If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.

The Ball Game

At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves learning disabled children, the father of one of the students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended.

After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question.

"When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does is done with perfection. Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children do. Where is the natural order of things in my son?"

The audience was stilled by the query.

The father continued. "I believe, that when a child like Shay comes into the world, an opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it comes, in the way other people treat that child."

Then he told the following story: Shay and his father had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball.

Shay asked, "Do you think they'll let me play?"

Shay's father knew that most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but the father also understood that if his son were allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging. Shay's father approached one of the boys on the field and asked if Shay could play.

The boy looked around for guidance and, getting none, he took matters into his own hands and said, "We're losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning."

In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three.

In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the outfield.

Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as his father waved to him from the stands.

In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored again. Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat.

At this juncture, let Shay bat and give away their chance to win the game?

Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible 'cause Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball.

However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least be able to make contact.

The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed. The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards Shay.

As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball right back to the pitcher.

The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman. Shay would have been out and that would have been the end of the game.

Instead, the pitcher took the ball and turned and threw the ball on a high arc to right field, far beyond the reach of the first baseman.

Everyone started yelling, "Shay, run to first! Run to first!"

Never in his life had Shay ever made it to first base. He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled.

Everyone yelled, "Run to second, run to second!"

By the time Shay rounded first base, the right fielder had the ball.

He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the pitcher's intentions and intentionally threw the ball high and far over the third-baseman's head.

Shay ran toward second base as the runners ahead of him deliriously circled the bases toward home.

Shay reached second base, the opposing shortstop ran to him, turned him in the direction of third base, and shouted, "Run to third!"

As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams were screaming, "Shay, run home!"

Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit the "grand slam" and won the game for his team.

"That day," said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, "the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity into this world."


A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriffs Deputy.

He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputies expense...

Deputy says, "License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."

Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says:

"Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

New Spin

To commemorate her 69th birthday on October 1, actress/vocalist Julie
Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall
for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed
was "My Favorite Things" from the legendary movie "Sound Of Music."
However, the lyrics of the song were deliberately changed for the
entertainment of her "blue hair" audience. Here are the lyrics she

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache,
when the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted
over four minutes and repeated encores

After the Flight

After a long, bumpy flight, our passengers were glad to finally land.
They disembarked, and the other attendants and I checked for items
left behind. In a seat pocket, I found a bag of homemade cookies with
a note saying, "Much love, Mom."

Quickly, I gave the bag to our gate agent in hopes it would be
reunited with its owner.

In few minutes, this announcement came over the P.A. system in the
"Would the passenger who lost his cookies on Flight 502, please return
to the gate?"


George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

(True Story) I LOVE IT


A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off and enjoying a round of golf.

The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing.

He missed the ball entirely and said, "Shit, I missed."

The good Sister told him to watch his language.

On his next swing, he missed again.

"Shit, I missed."

"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing," the nun said tartly.

The priest promised to do better and the round continued.

On the 4th tee, he misses again.

The usual comment followed.

Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."

On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again.

"Shit, I missed."

A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.

And from the sky comes a booming voice:

"Shit, I missed."

Church Bulletin Bloopers

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters.
These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins
or were announced in church services:

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.

Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have ca st off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

Very Bad Day

A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in
the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally
slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was
dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.

His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut
and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called
for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill,
went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and
escort them to her husband.

While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to
right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up
the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the

After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the
shattered patio, went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a
cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped
the butt between his legs.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her
husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his
trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she
once again phoned for an ambulance.

The same paramedic crew was dispatched. As the paramedics carried the
man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had
come to burn himself. She told them. They started laughing so hard,
one slipped, tipping the stretcher and dumping the husband out. He
fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

How to make people happy

The President, First Lady and Dick Cheney were flying on Air Force One. George looked at Laura, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."

Laura shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."

Cheney added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. Hell, I could throw all of them out of the window and make 56 million people very happy.