Tuesday, November 21, 2006

If College Students Wrote the Bible

  • Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning - cold.

  • The Ten Commandments are actually only five, double-spaced, and written in a large font.

  • New edition every two years in order to limit reselling.

  • Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food.

  • Paul's letter to the Romans becomes Paul's e-mail to abuse@romans.gov.

  • Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.

  • The place where the end of the world occurs: Finals, not Armageddon.

  • Out go the mules, in come the mountain bikes.

  • Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: They didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen.

  • Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.

Classic things to say when stressed

  1. "Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you!!!"

  2. "You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing?!"

  3. "How many times do I have to flush before you go away?"

  4. "Well this day was a total waste of make-up"

  5. "Well aren't we a bloody ray of sunshine?"

  6. "Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after."

  7. "Do I look like a fucking people person!"

  8. "This isn't an office. It's HELL with fluorescent lighting"

  9. "I started out with nothing still have most of it left"

  10. "I pretend to work, they pretend to pay me"

  11. "YOU!!... off my planet!!!"

  12. "Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble plastic is cheap. You choose"

  13. "Practice random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control"

  14. "Errors have been made. Others will be blamed"

  15. "And your cry-baby, whiny-assed opinion would be.....?"

  16. "I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years."

  17. "Sarcasm is just one more service I offer."

  18. "Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed"

  19. "Do they ever shut up on your planet?"

  20. "I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable"

  21. "Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't gone to sleep yet"

  22. "Back off!! You're standing in my aura."

  23. "Don't worry. I forgot your name too."

  24. "I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?"

  25. "I work 45 hours a week to be this poor."

  26. "Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it."

  27. "Not all men are annoying. Some are dead."

  28. "Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality"

  29. "Chaos, panic and disorder . . . my work here is done."

  30. "Ambivalent? Well yes and no."

  31. "You look like shit. Is that the style now?"

  32. "Earth is full. Go home."

  33. "Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?"

  34. "I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert."

  35. "A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth."

  36. "You are depriving some village of an idiot."

  37. "If as sholes could fly, this place would be an airport."

Signs You've Grown Up

  1. Your potted plants are alive... and you can't smoke any of them.

  2. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.

  3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

  4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.

  5. You hear your favourite song in an elevator.

  6. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.

  7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.

  8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.

  9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up.'

  10. You're the one calling the police because those bloody kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.

  11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

  12. You don't know what time McDonald's closes anymore.

  13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

  14. You feed your dog Mydog instead of McDonald's.

  15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

  16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.

  17. Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.

  18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 a.m. would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

  19. You go to the chemist for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.

  20. A $7.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff.'

  21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

  22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."

  23. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

  24. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

  25. You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn't apply to you.

Drinks as personality pointers

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks (and how you approach them if you're interested in them). Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

Girl Drinks

Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. She'll send YOU a drink.

Drink: Wine - (does not include white zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Your Approach: Tell her you wish Reagan had had four more years... Alzheimer's and term limits be damned.

Drink: White Zin
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...

Drink: Shots
Personality: Hanging with frat-boy pals or looking to get drunk... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. Nothing to do but wait.

Guy Drinks

Then there is the male addendum .... The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut.

Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn't give two shits about anything but getting laid.

Tequila: Piss off, all you wankers, I'm gonna go shag something.

White Zin: He's gay.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006


It's not difficult to make a woman happy.

A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate


45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls


51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes


54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes



1. Show up naked
2. Bring food