Snow White, Superman, and Pinocchio

Snow White, Pinocchio, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day.

As they walk, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."

"I am entering" said Snow White.

After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?"

"First Place ," said Snow White.

They continue walking and they see a sign: "Contest for the strongest man in the world."

"I'm entering," says Superman.

After half an hour he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"

" First Place ," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"

They continue walking when they see a sign: "Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"

Pinocchio enters.

After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.

"What happened?" they asked.

"Who the hell is MITT ROMNEY?" asked Pinocchio.

Funeral for a Doctor

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.

A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When confronted, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral. You see I'm a gynecologist."

At that point, the proctologist fainted.

The Quiz

A female teacher, was having problems with a boy in her 3rd grade class.

The boy said "Teacher, I should be in 4th grade, I'm smarter than my sis and she's in 4th grade."

The teacher, tired of his complaints took the boy to the Principal's office and explained everything to the Principal. He decided to test the boy with some questions that a 4th grader should know.

Principal: What's 3+3?
Boy: 6

Principal: 6+6?
Boy: 12 ....and so on!

The Principal asked the boy many questions and the boy got them right. The Principal then told the teacher to send the boy to 4th grade. The teacher decided to ask some more questions and the Principal agreed.

Teacher: What does a cow have 4 of, that I've only 2 of?
Boy: Legs.

Teacher: What's in your pants that you have but I don't have?
Boy: Pockets

Teacher: What starts with a C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy: Coconut.

Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
The principal's eyes opened really wide, but before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge..
Boy: Bubble Gum.

Teacher: You stick your poles inside me, You tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do. What am I?
Boy: Tent

The principal was beginning to look restless

Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. What am I?
Boy: Wedding Ring

Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good?
Boy: Nose.

Teacher: I've a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates, I come with a quiver?
Boy: Arrow.

Teacher: What starts with 'F' and ends with a 'K' and if you don't get it, you have to use your hand?
Boy: Fork

Teacher: What is it that all men have, it's longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after marriage?
Boy: Surname.

Teacher: What part of the man has no bone, but has muscles with a lot of veins like pumpkin and is responsible for making love??
Boy: Heart!

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Send the boy to University, I got the last 10 questions wrong myself!"

Mummy, how does the EU bailout package work?

It  is a slow day in a dusty little Greek town near Thessaloniki . The sun is  beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in  debt, and everybody lives on credit.

On this  particular day, a rich German tourist called Angela Merkle' is driving through  the town, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling  the hotel owner she wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one  to spend the night.

The owner  gives her some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the  hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the  butcher.

The butcher  takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig  farmer.

The pig farmer  takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and  fuel.

The  guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill  at the pub.

The publican  slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has  also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on  credit.

The hooker  then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with  the €100 note.

The hotel  proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller  will not suspect anything.

At that moment  the German traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states  that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.

No one  produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now out  of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.

That is how  the EU bailout package works!

A Cow based Economics Lesson

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbor.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you
want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

Annie Wan There?

Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?
Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this?
Caller: I'm Sum Wan ..And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.
Operator: I know u are someone and u want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?
Caller: Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother, Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.
Operator: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident that isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious, but I don't have time for this!
Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: I'm Saw Lee.
Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!

The Italian Who Went to Detroit

Onea day Ima go to Detroit to a bigga hotel. I go down to eata breakfast. Itella the waitress I wanna two pissa toast. She brings me only onea piss. Itella her I wanna two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna two piss on my plate. She say you better no piss on the plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she calla me a sonna ma bitch. Later I go to lunch at the restrant. The waitress brings me a spoon and a knife, but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tella me everybody wanna fock. I say you no understand. I want a fock on the table.She say you better no fock on the table you sonna ma bitch. So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no sheet on my bed. I calla the manager and tella him I wanna sheet. He tella me to go to the toilet. I tella him you don't understand. I wanna sheet on the bed. He say you better no sheet on the bed you sonna ma bitch. I go to check out and the man at the desk he say peace to you. And I say piss onna you too, you sonna ma bitch. I go back to Italy.

4 Lessons

Lesson #1...

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.' After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob the next door neighbor she replies. 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson #2...

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3...

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.' 'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff! She's gone. 'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.' Puff! He's gone. 'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after Lunch.'

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4...

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

 

Thanks Sam!

Puns for Educated Minds

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .
21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and  says 'Dam!'
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.  Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope  that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Comments Made In The Year 1955

‘I’ll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it’s going to be impossible to buy a week’s groceries for $10.00. ‘

‘Have you seen the new cars coming out next year?  It won’t be long before $1, 000.00 will only buy a used one.’   

‘If cigarettes keep going up in price, I’m going to quit; 20 cents a pack is ridiculous. ‘

‘Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging 7 cents just to mail a letter.’

 

‘If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.’

 

‘When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 25 cents a gallon. Guess we’d be better off leaving the car in the garage.’

‘I’m afraid to send my kids to the movies any more.  Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in ‘GONE WITH THE WIND’, it seems every new movie has either HELL or DAMN in it.’

‘I read the other day where some scientist thinks it’s possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas .’

‘Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $50,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn’t surprise me if someday they’ll be making more than the President. ‘

 

‘I never thought I’d see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric.  They are even making electric typewriters now. ‘

‘It’s too bad things are so tough nowadays.  I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet. ‘

‘It won’t be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.’

‘I’m afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.’

 

‘Thank goodness I won’t live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes.  I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to government.’

‘The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.’

‘There is no sense going on short trips anymore for a weekend.  It costs nearly $2.00 a night to stay in a hotel.’

‘No one can afford to be sick anymore.  At $15.00 a day in the hospital, it’s too rich for my blood.’

‘If they think I’ll pay 30 cents for a hair cut, forget it.’