One for the Guys

This is why lots of men have dogs and not wives.

1. The later you are, the more excited they are to see you.

2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
5. A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
6. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
7. A dog's parents never visit.
8. Dogs do not hate their bodies.
9. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
10. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.
11. Dogs seldom outlive you.
12. Dogs can't talk.
13. Dogs enjoy petting in public.
14. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24-hours a day.
15. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
16. Dogs like to go hunting.
17. Another man will seldom steal your dog.
18. If you bring another dog home, your dog will happily play with both of you.
19. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died would you get another dog?"
20. If you pretend to be blind, your dog can stay in your hotel room for free.
21. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them
away.
22. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a
pervert.
23. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.
24. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad, they just
think it's interesting.
25. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.
26. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
27. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
28. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale's or Neiman-Marcus.
29. If a dog leaves, it won't take half your stuff.

The Pickle Slicer

A man starts a new job in a pickle factory but after a week has to
visit the psychiatrist. "I've got to leave the pickle factory", he
said. "Every time I go there I have an inexplicable urge to put my
'pickle' in the pickle slicer!"

The psychiatrist tells him to relax and go back to work. After a week
he came back and said his urge had got worse. The psychiatrist calmed
him down and sent him back to work again. The next week he came back
looking really dejected and said "I finally did it. I put my 'pickle'
in the pickle slicer."

"What happened?" exclaimed the psychiatrist.

"The boss came in and caught me and I got fired."

"What about the pickle slicer?" asked the psychiatrist.

"Oh", said the man, "She got fired too."

Where is Jesus?

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his
students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the
Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they
understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He
grew up, etc.

So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on
and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I
know! He's in our bathroom!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for
a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long
seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he
knew this.

Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on
the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'"

Staying Awake

There are these two friends, Matt & Suzy. They both attend a
Christian academy. Suzy has a bad problem with falling asleep in
class. One day the nun decided to call on Suzy to answer some
questions. Well, the nun proceeded to ask her first question, "who is
the creator of the universe?" of course Suzy is fast asleep. But her
friend Matt, afraid she will get into trouble, takes a safety
pin and sticks Suzy in the bottom to wake her up. When he does, Suzy
bolts straight up and says, "God almighty!" The nun is just amazed
that Suzy has gotten this right. So she tries again. "Who is our
savior?" Well Suzy has already drifted off again so Matt sticks her
once more and Suzy jumps up to say, "Jesus Christ!" the nun is
flabbergasted that Suzy has gotten two right. The nun proceeds to ask
yet another question. "What did Eve say to Adam after the birth of
their 23rd child?" Matt again pokes the sleeping Suzy in the bottom
and she jerks up to say, "God Damn it, if you stick that thing in me
one more time I am going to break it off!"

Eulogy

It is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the following news about a great American icon...Veteran Pillsbury spokesperson, The Pillsbury
Doughboy, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a slightly greased coffin.

Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack,
Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, Capt'n Crunch, Mr. Goodbar, and many others.

The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded, always rose to the occasion, but whose later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much his time on half-baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times, he was considered a roll model for millions, even as a crusty old man.

Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two children,
and a bun in the oven.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

Mourning a Beloved Old Friend

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend by the name of Common Sense. He was with us for many years.
No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valued lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, and that life isn't always fair.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge).

His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six year old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch, and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student only worsened his condition!

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses, and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, spilled it in her lap, and was awarded a huge settlement.


Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.

He is survived by a stepbrother, My Rights and a stepsister, Ima Whiner.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

If you knew him, pass this on.

Romantic Rhymes

These are entries to a Washington Post competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line... but the least romantic second line.

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss;
But I slept with you because I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. But
the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face!

Kind, intelligent, loving, and hot;
This describes everything you're not.

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that bag from off of your face.

I love your smile, your face, your eyes;
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife;
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming...
That's why I always wake up screaming.

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell"!

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

Bad Days

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying," Hello."
I politely said, "This is Andrew. Could I please speak with Robin Carter?"
Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her.
I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!"
It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic asshole calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the Caller ID program?" He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.
I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me.
I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window so, I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole, (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"Don, you're an asshole." Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.
But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.

So, I came up with an idea.

I called Asshole #1.

"Hello."
"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."

Then I called Asshole #2.

"Hello?" he said.
"Hello, asshole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are....."
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now".

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th Street.
There I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and news crew.

NOW I feel better!

The Italian Story

Let's start at the beginning.

Come stai? Molto benne. Bon giorno. Ciao. Arrivederci. Every Italian

From Italy knows these words and every Italian-American should. But what

About the goomba speech pattern? Those words and phrases that are a little

Italian, a little American, and a little slang. Words every paison and

bacciagaloop has heard, words we hear on The Sopranos and throughout

our Little Italy neighborhoods of New York and New Jersey. This form of

language, the "Goomba-Italiano" has been used for generations.





It's not gangster slang terms like "whack" or "vig", if that's what

you are thinking---nope, this is real guido tawk!



The goomba says ciao when he arrives or leaves. He says Madonna Mia

anytime emotion is needed in any given situation. Mannaggia,

meengya, oofah, and, of course, va fungool can also be used. Capeesh?

He uses a mopeen to wipe his hands in the cucina, gets agita from the

Gravy and will schkeeve meatballs unless they are homemade from the famiglia.



Always foonah your bread in the pot of gravy or you will be a mottie or

A goo-gootz. Mezza-fanooks are usually mamalukes and the girl from the

neighborhood with the reputation is a facia-bruta puttana or a

schifosa whoore. If you are called cattivo, gabbadost, schfatcheem,

stupido, or strunz, you are usually a pain in the ass. A crazy diavlo can give

you the maloikya (evil eye), but that red horn will protect you if you

use it right. Don't forget to always say per favore and grazie and prego.



If you are feeling mooshadd or stunad or mezza-morta, always head to

Nonna's and she will fix you up with a little homemade manicott',

gavadell', or calamar', or some ricott' cheesecake. Mangia some zeppoles,

canollis, torrone, struffoli, shfoolyadell', pignoli cookies, or a

little nutella on pannetone. Delizioso!

I think I'll head to the kitch and fix myself a sengweecj of gabagol'

with some proshoot and mozarell' or maybe just a hot slice of peetz.



So salud' if you have any Italian blood in you and if you understood

anything I wrote here. If so, you are numero uno and the professore

of the goombas. If you don't get any of this, then fa Nabola with the

whole thing and you are a disgraziato. Scuzi, me dispiachay, I didn't mean that.



Just fugheddaboudit!



Go get your Fila running suit on and skip to the Bada Bing to spend

some shcaroll' and have a good time with a mala femina....

Joe Pesci said it's ok.

Why We Love Children

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.

"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.

"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.

You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

"You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later....."Da-ad...."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"

"No, You had your chance. Lights out."

Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"

I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"

Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."

"WHAT!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out
and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed.
She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
"The big sissy."

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said,

"That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"

The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.

She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"

I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."

"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,

"Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.

Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped,
"What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.

"Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day,
"What are you teaching my son in math?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, 'two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four'."

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer.
She read, "... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"

The teacher paused then asked the class,
"And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said,
"I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply,
"I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say,
"I'm Jane Sugarbrown."

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,
"Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"

She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"

Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,
"If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."

She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."

Household Repairs

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS.

"HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW."



HE LOOK AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
"FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'G E' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO."



"FINE," THE WIFE SAYS, THEN SHE ASKS, "WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT."



TO WHICH HE REPLIED, "FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'WESTINGHOUSE' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO."



"FINE," SHE SAYS, "THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK."



"I'M NOT A DAMN CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX THE DAMN STEPS." HE SAYS, "DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'ACE HARDWARE' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU! I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!"



SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS.................


HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME.



AS HE WALKS UP TO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.



AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING.



AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.



"HONEY," HE ASKS, "HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?"

SHE SAID, "WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE."



HE SAID, "SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?"



SHE REPLIED, "HELLOOOOO.........................

DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?

I DON'T THINK SO!"

The Blonde and the Sex Frog

The Blonde & The Sex Frog


A very beautiful young Blonde girl goes into the local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs.

The sign says:

"Sex Frogs! Only $20 each!

Money Back Guarantee!

(Comes with complete instructions)."



The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter,

"I'll take one."

The man packages the frog and says,

"Just follow the instructions carefully."

The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do:

1. Take a shower.

2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.

3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.

4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down on the bed.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise,
nothing happens!

The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point.

She rereads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says:

'If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store.'

So, the Blonde calls the pet store.

The man says, "I had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over."

Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.

The Blonde welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there.

"The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says:

"Listen to me!

I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time."

The New Employee

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45 AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door.
The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee.
He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up.
The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem.

Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee.
She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and
a big bag of marbles.
They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric,
wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says
"I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday.
Your job is to give Elmo. . . . .

two test tickles."

George Carlin's Views on Aging

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids?

If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited
about aging that you think in fractions.

"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!"

You're never thirty-six and a half.

You're four and a half, going on five!

That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back.

You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!"

You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16!

And then the greatest day of your life . . . you become 21.

Even the words sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there?

Makes you sound like bad milk.

He TURNED; we had to throw him out.

There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling.

What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40.

Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away.

Before you know it, you REACH 50 . . . and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70!

After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime.

And it doesn't end there.

Into the 90s, you start going backwards;

"I Was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens.

If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again.

"I'm 100 and a half!"

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!


HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay them.

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. " An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love. Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

And if you don't send this to at least 8 people - who cares?

But do share this with someone.

We all need to live life to its fullest each day.

Product Recall Announcement

The Maker of all human beings is recalling all units manufactured,
regardless of make or year, due to a serious defect in the primary and
central component of the heart. This is due to a malfunction in the
original prototype units code named Adam and Eve, resulting in the
reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units. This defect has
been technically termed, "Sub-sequential Internal Non-morality", or more
commonly known as SIN, as it is primarily expressed.
Some other symptoms:
[a] Loss of direction
[b] Foul vocal emissions
[c] Amnesia of origin
[d] Lack of peace and joy
[e] Selfish, or violent behavior
[f] Depression or confusion in the mental component
[g] Fearfulness
[h] Idolatry
[i] Rebellion

The Manufacturer, Who is neither liable nor at fault for this defect is
providing factory authorized repair and service free of charge to
correct this SIN defect. The Repair Technician, Jesus, has most
generously offered to bear the entire burden of the staggering cost of
these repairs. There is no additional fee ! required. The number to call
for repair in all areas is: P-R-A-Y-E-R. Once connected, please upload
your burden of SIN through the REPENTANCE procedure. Next, download
ATONEMENT from the Repair Technician, Jesus, into the heart component
No matter how big or small the SIN defect is, Jesus will replace it with:

[a] Love
[b] Joy
[c] Peace
[d] Patience
[e] Kindness
[f] Goodness
[g] Faithfulness
[h] Gentleness
[i] Self-control

Please see the operating manual, HOLY BIBLE
(Believers-Instructions-Before-Leaving-Earth), for further details on
the use of these fixes. As an added upgrade, the Manufacturer has made
available to all repaired units a facility enabling direct monitoring
and assistance from a resident Maintenance Technician, the Holy Ghost.
Repaired units need only make Him welcome and He will take up permanent
residence on the premises!
WARNING: Continuing to operate the human being unit without correction
voids the Manufacturer's warranty, exposing the unit to dangers and
problems too numerous to list and will result in the human unit being
permanently impounded. For free emergency service, call on JESUS.
DANGER: The human being units not responding to this recall action will
have to be scrapped in the furnace. The SIN defect will not be permitted
to enter Heaven so as to prevent contamination of that facility.
Thank you for your attention. Please assist where possible by notifying
others of this important recall notice!!!

English as a First Language

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes; but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes. One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, yet the plural of moose should never be meese. You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice; yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men, why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen? If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet, and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet? If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those, yet hat in the plural would never be hose, and the plural of cat is cats, not cose. We speak of a brother and also of brethren, but though we say mother, we never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

Some other reasons to be grateful if you grew up speaking English:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present
8) At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
22) I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.

Screwy pronunciations can mess up your mind! For example...If you have a rough cough, climbing can be tough when going through the bough on a tree!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England.

We take English for granted.

But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wiseguy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

If Dad is Pop, how's come Mom isn't Mop?

Enough!!!!

Chasidic Genie

An Arab had spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It got so bad that his camel died of thirst. He crawled through the sands, certain that he was breathing his last breath when suddenly, he saw a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawled to the object, pulled it out of the sand, and discovered that he had a Manischewitz wine bottle. It appeared that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrewed the top and out pops a genie...

BUT this is no ordinary genie.
This genie appeared to be a Chasidic Rabbi, complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, and tzitzies (prayer shawl).

"Vell kid," said the genie. "You know how it voiks. You got three wishes."

I'm not going to trust you,' says the Arab. "I'm not going to trust a Jewish genie!"

"Whatt'ya you got to lose? Looks ta me - you're a gonner anyvay!"

The Arab thought about this for a minute, and decided that the genie was right.

"Okay, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."

* * * * * * P O O F * * * * * * * * *

The Arab found himself in the most beautiful oasis he had ever seen and he was surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"Okee-dokee kiddo, vat's your second vish?"

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

* * * * * P O O F * * * * * *

The Arab found himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare old coins and precious gems.

"Okay kid, you got just one more wish. Better should make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says, "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will always need and want me!!!"

* * * * * * * P O O F * * * * * *

He is turned into a tampon.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY:

If you do business with a Jewish genie,

there's going to be a string attached.

The Benefits of Sex

1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.

2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.

3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.

4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!

5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.

6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!

7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.

8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.

9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.

10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.

Never Lie to Girls

There was a guy sunbathing in the nude on the beach and saw a little girl
coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was
reading.

The girl came up to him and asked, "What do you have under the newspaper?"
Thinking quickly, the guy replied, "A bird." The girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep.

When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. The police asked him what happened. The guy says, "I don't know. I was lying on the Beach, this little girl asked me a question, and I guess I dozed off, and the next thing I know is I'm here."

The police went to the beach, found the girl, and asked her, "What did
you do to that naked fellow?" After a pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with his Bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire!"

Moral of the story.....

Never lie to girls

Cybersex

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?

Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 280 pounds.I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart.I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.

Sweetheart: I want you.Would you like to screw me?

Wellhung: OK

Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom.There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table.I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.

Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse.My hands are trembling.

Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.

Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.

Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure.The cool silk slides off my warm skin.I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.

Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse.I'm sorry.

Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.

Wellhung: I'll pay for it.

Sweetheart: Don't worry about it.I'm wearing a lacy black bra.My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.

Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra.I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly.I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.

Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.

Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!

Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.

Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.

Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.

Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.

Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.

Sweetheart: What's the matter?

Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.

Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.

Sweetheart: Can I help?

Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?

Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.

Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.

Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.

Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

Wellhung: I found it.

Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.

Wellhung: Me too.

Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies pressing each other.

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

Sweetheart Why don't you take off your glasses?

Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.

Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!

Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.

Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.

Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.

Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!

Sweetheart: What's the matter now?

Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.

Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.

Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in your...you know...woman's thing.

Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.

Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!

Wellhung: I'm flaccid.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.

Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.

Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.

Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.

Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.

Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.

Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!

Room 8

Three men arrive at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks the first man, "Religion?"
The first man replies, "Episcopalian."
St. Peter looks down his list and says, "go to room 24. But be very quiet as you pass room 8." St. Peter asks the second man, "Religion?"
The second man replies, "Methodist."
St. Peter looks down his list and says, "Go to room 14. But be very quiet as you pass room 8." To the third man, St. Peter asks. "Religion?"
The third man replies, "Baptist."
St. Peter looks down his list and says. "Go to room 21. But be very quiet as you pass room 8."
The third man then says to St. Peter, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must we be quiet when we pass room 8?"
St. Peter tells him,"Well the catholics are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here."