Snow White, Superman, and Pinocchio

Snow White, Pinocchio, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day.

As they walk, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."

"I am entering" said Snow White.

After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?"

"First Place ," said Snow White.

They continue walking and they see a sign: "Contest for the strongest man in the world."

"I'm entering," says Superman.

After half an hour he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"

" First Place ," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"

They continue walking when they see a sign: "Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"

Pinocchio enters.

After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.

"What happened?" they asked.

"Who the hell is MITT ROMNEY?" asked Pinocchio.

Funeral for a Doctor

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.

A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When confronted, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral. You see I'm a gynecologist."

At that point, the proctologist fainted.

The Quiz

A female teacher, was having problems with a boy in her 3rd grade class.

The boy said "Teacher, I should be in 4th grade, I'm smarter than my sis and she's in 4th grade."

The teacher, tired of his complaints took the boy to the Principal's office and explained everything to the Principal. He decided to test the boy with some questions that a 4th grader should know.

Principal: What's 3+3?
Boy: 6

Principal: 6+6?
Boy: 12 ....and so on!

The Principal asked the boy many questions and the boy got them right. The Principal then told the teacher to send the boy to 4th grade. The teacher decided to ask some more questions and the Principal agreed.

Teacher: What does a cow have 4 of, that I've only 2 of?
Boy: Legs.

Teacher: What's in your pants that you have but I don't have?
Boy: Pockets

Teacher: What starts with a C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy: Coconut.

Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
The principal's eyes opened really wide, but before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge..
Boy: Bubble Gum.

Teacher: You stick your poles inside me, You tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do. What am I?
Boy: Tent

The principal was beginning to look restless

Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. What am I?
Boy: Wedding Ring

Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good?
Boy: Nose.

Teacher: I've a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates, I come with a quiver?
Boy: Arrow.

Teacher: What starts with 'F' and ends with a 'K' and if you don't get it, you have to use your hand?
Boy: Fork

Teacher: What is it that all men have, it's longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after marriage?
Boy: Surname.

Teacher: What part of the man has no bone, but has muscles with a lot of veins like pumpkin and is responsible for making love??
Boy: Heart!

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Send the boy to University, I got the last 10 questions wrong myself!"

Mummy, how does the EU bailout package work?

It  is a slow day in a dusty little Greek town near Thessaloniki . The sun is  beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in  debt, and everybody lives on credit.

On this  particular day, a rich German tourist called Angela Merkle' is driving through  the town, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling  the hotel owner she wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one  to spend the night.

The owner  gives her some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the  hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the  butcher.

The butcher  takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig  farmer.

The pig farmer  takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and  fuel.

The  guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill  at the pub.

The publican  slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has  also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on  credit.

The hooker  then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with  the €100 note.

The hotel  proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller  will not suspect anything.

At that moment  the German traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states  that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.

No one  produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now out  of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.

That is how  the EU bailout package works!

A Cow based Economics Lesson

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbor.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you
want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

Annie Wan There?

Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?
Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this?
Caller: I'm Sum Wan ..And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.
Operator: I know u are someone and u want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?
Caller: Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother, Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.
Operator: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident that isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious, but I don't have time for this!
Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: I'm Saw Lee.
Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!

The Italian Who Went to Detroit

Onea day Ima go to Detroit to a bigga hotel. I go down to eata breakfast. Itella the waitress I wanna two pissa toast. She brings me only onea piss. Itella her I wanna two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna two piss on my plate. She say you better no piss on the plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she calla me a sonna ma bitch. Later I go to lunch at the restrant. The waitress brings me a spoon and a knife, but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tella me everybody wanna fock. I say you no understand. I want a fock on the table.She say you better no fock on the table you sonna ma bitch. So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no sheet on my bed. I calla the manager and tella him I wanna sheet. He tella me to go to the toilet. I tella him you don't understand. I wanna sheet on the bed. He say you better no sheet on the bed you sonna ma bitch. I go to check out and the man at the desk he say peace to you. And I say piss onna you too, you sonna ma bitch. I go back to Italy.

4 Lessons

Lesson #1...

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.' After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob the next door neighbor she replies. 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson #2...

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3...

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.' 'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff! She's gone. 'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.' Puff! He's gone. 'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after Lunch.'

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4...

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

 

Thanks Sam!

Puns for Educated Minds

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .
21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and  says 'Dam!'
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.  Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope  that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Comments Made In The Year 1955

‘I’ll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it’s going to be impossible to buy a week’s groceries for $10.00. ‘

‘Have you seen the new cars coming out next year?  It won’t be long before $1, 000.00 will only buy a used one.’   

‘If cigarettes keep going up in price, I’m going to quit; 20 cents a pack is ridiculous. ‘

‘Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging 7 cents just to mail a letter.’

 

‘If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.’

 

‘When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 25 cents a gallon. Guess we’d be better off leaving the car in the garage.’

‘I’m afraid to send my kids to the movies any more.  Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in ‘GONE WITH THE WIND’, it seems every new movie has either HELL or DAMN in it.’

‘I read the other day where some scientist thinks it’s possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas .’

‘Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $50,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn’t surprise me if someday they’ll be making more than the President. ‘

 

‘I never thought I’d see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric.  They are even making electric typewriters now. ‘

‘It’s too bad things are so tough nowadays.  I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet. ‘

‘It won’t be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.’

‘I’m afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.’

 

‘Thank goodness I won’t live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes.  I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to government.’

‘The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.’

‘There is no sense going on short trips anymore for a weekend.  It costs nearly $2.00 a night to stay in a hotel.’

‘No one can afford to be sick anymore.  At $15.00 a day in the hospital, it’s too rich for my blood.’

‘If they think I’ll pay 30 cents for a hair cut, forget it.’

Universal Truths

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? ), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

20. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

22. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent an ass from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?

29. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

31. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my behind everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

Top twelve reasons homosexual marriage should not be legal

1.Homosexuality is not natural, much like eyeglasses, polyester, and birth control.

2.Heterosexual marriages are valid because they produce children. Infertile couples and old people can’t legally get married because the world needs more children.

3.Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

4.Straight marriage will be less meaningful, since Britney Spears’ 55-hour just-for-fun marriage was meaningful.

5.Heterosexual marriage has been around a long time and hasn’t changed at all; women are property, blacks can’t marry whites, and divorce is illegal.

6.Gay marriage should be decided by people not the courts, because the majority-elected legislatures, not courts, have historically protected the rights of the minorities.

7.Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That’s why we have only one religion in America.

8.Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

9.Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

10.Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That’s why single parents are forbidden to raise children.

11.Gay marriage will change the foundation of society. Heterosexual marriage has been around for a long time, and we could never adapt to new social norms because we haven’t adapted to cars or longer lifespans.

12.Civil unions, providing most of the same benefits as marriage with a different name are better, because a “separate but equal” institution is always constitutional. Separate schools for African-Americans worked just as well as separate marriages for gays and lesbians will.

Chicken Crossing

Taoist sage Lao Tzu:
The road that can be crossed is not the true Road.
(Tao Te Ching, ch. 1)

Also from Lao Tzu:
Those who cluck do not know.
Those who know do not cluck.

Buddha:
If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.

Star Trek’s Captain Kirk:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Plato:
To know her true self, for the greater good of all.

Zeno of Elea:
To prove she could never reach the other side, given that, before she can get there, she must get halfway there; and before she can get halfway there, she must get a quarter of the way there; and before traveling a quarter, she must travel one-eighth; and …

John Lennon:
Imagine all the world’s chickens, crossing every road in peace…

Colonel Sanders (of KFC—Kentucky Fried Chicken):
I missed one?

Hugh Hefner (the “Colonel Sanders of Hot Chicks”):
To fully expose its delightful body. Maybe she would like to come live with me… and dress up as a bunny.

Dr. Seuss:
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did she cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed, I’ve not been told!

Ernest Hemingway:
To die. In the rain. Alone.

Martin Luther King Jr.:
I have a dream that one day all of God’s chickens, chickens of every color and faith, from every village and every hamlet, will be free–thank God Almighty, free at last!–to cross any road without their motives called into question.

Louis Farrakhan:
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The white chicken crossed the “black man” in order to trample him and keep him down.

Grandpa:
Well now, listen here, my young friend. In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and, by golly, that was good enough for us. Those were simpler times, and we were simpler folks.

Barbara Walters:
Isn’t that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road. We’ll have all the details you want to hear, right after this break.

Oprah Winfrey:
Well, I understand that this chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so badly. So, I’m going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not have to live his life like the rest of the chickens.

Dr. Phil:
The problem we have here is that our chicken friend won’t realize he must first deal with the big problem on THIS side of the road before he goes after the problem on the OTHER SIDE of the road. He needs HELP realizing just how STUPID he is for not taking on his CURRENT problems before adding NEW problems!

George Bush:
We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is with us or against us. No middle ground here. In fact, Vice President Cheney tells me there’s evidence this chicken is a terrorist in collusionation with the enemies of our freedom. Dick, do you have your gun handy? Wait a minute now, Dick! Make sure that thing’s pointed in the right direction, okay?

Colin Powell:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road…

Ralph Nader:
The chicken’s habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on other side of the road because it was crushed by the monstrous wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

Pat Buchanan:
To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.

Jerry Falwell:
Because the chicken was gay! Isn’t it obvious? Can’t you people see the plain truth? The chicken was going to the other side. That’s what they call it: “the other side.” Yes, my friends, that chicken is GAY. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like “the other side.”

Ronald Reagan:
As with the Iran-Contra matter and Nicaragua, I don’t remember. But I’m sure it was in our great country’s best interests.

Bill Clinton:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken.

Sigmund Freud:
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road clearly reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. What were your feelings about your mother?

Carl Jung:
How synchronous, Herr Freud, that this chicken should cross this road at exactly this moment on the way to
its full individuation!

H.P. Lovecraft:
To escape the crawling horror lurking on this side of the road, a nameless and foetid monstrosity that cannot be conceived save in the dreams of madness.

Howard Cosell (sportscaster):
It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of sports history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurrence.

Bill Gates:
To lead the other chickens across the Info Superhighway and into a world where there’s a computer in every home.

William Blake:
Little chicken, who set thee free
To wander here on Highway Three?
“Oh, sir, your question’s very odd;
He is called the Lamb of God.”

Weekly World News:
Nostradamus predicted chicken/Bigfoot horror!

Thomas Jefferson:
All hens are endowed by Nature and Nature’s God with the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of the other side.

Karl Marx:
Driven by the lash of economic necessity, it was historically inevitable.

Voltaire:
I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it!

Che Guevara:
I am in solidarity with all chickens! Viva el pollo!

X-Files’ Fox Mulder:
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

X-Files’ Scully:
Mulder, calm down, it was a simple bio-mechanical reflex commonly found in chickens.

Sir Isaac Newton:
Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion tend to cross the road.

Albert Einstein:
It depends on the chicken’s frame of reference as to whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken. Moreover, given our curved universe, if the chicken keeps moving in the same direction, it winds up coming once again to the same road!

Physicist Werner Heisenberg:
Because the chicken is moving sufficiently fast, you can either observe the chicken or you can measure the chicken, but you cannot do both.

Timothy Leary (smiling):
Because it was the only far-out trip the Establishment would let this groovy little chicken take.

Jean Paul Sartre (not smiling):
To impose a meaning upon her accidental existence…
Do you think you could sit with that chicken in a small room for eternity?

Albert Camus:
The chicken crossed the road. My mother died today.
Nothing matters. The world is absurd. Chicken’s actions have no meaning, except, possibly, to her.

Jacques Derrida:
These are just language games in the logocentric strategy of discourse. What is a “chicken”? What is the “road”? In the reappropriation of the original text of this phenomenon, and being utterly open to its subtext of emptiness and the many, as part of our ongoing postmodernist deconstructionist project, we are interested here only in the actual feathers, tissue, beak, claws, and asphault.

Jacques Derrida (asked the same Q on another occasion):
Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!

Vito Corleone:
We made her an offer she couldn’t refuse.

Rogue cops in the L.A.P.D. (Los Angeles Police Dept.):
Give us ten minutes with the chicken and we’ll find out.

Nancy Grace:
That chicken crossed the road because he’s GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

O.J. Simpson:
It didn’t cross the road. I was playing golf with it at the time.

Mark Twain:
The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

Steven Wright:
Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road.
It said, “What for?”

Gratuitous Email Rant

Dear All,

Heartfelt thank you to all my e-mail friends.

As another year will shortly be a memory, my heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Extra thanks for the ones that I have to open 15 times to get to the message.

Special thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes 'cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope. Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer drink Pepsi, or Dr Pepper, since the people who make these products are atheists who won't put "Under God" on their cans. I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from, nor send packages by UPS, or FedEx, since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise. I no longer answer the phone, because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan. I no longer eat KFC, because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike. I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus, since I now have their recipe. I no longer worry about my soul, because at last count I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. I no longer have any savings, because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).

I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favors!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM (EDT) this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of mine's next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

Have a very HAPPY NEW YEAR!

15 Things to do at Walmart while your wife is taking her sweet ass time

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "Code 3 in Housewares"... and see what happens.
5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask: "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose.
10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from "Mission Impossible".
12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say, "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"
15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while and then yell loudly "Hey! You're out of toilet paper in here!"

The Gender of a Computer

A higher education Spanish Teacher was explaining to her class that, in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
‘House’ for instance, is feminine: “la casa.”
‘Pencil,’ however, is masculine: “el lapiz.”

So, a student asked, “What gender would ‘computer’ be?” Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether ‘computer’ should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The male group decided that ‘computer’ should definitely be of the feminine gender, “la computadora”, because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The female group, however, came to the conclusion that computers must be Masculine, “el computador”, because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

Joe's Story

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your
headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could
make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought to himself, "That's what I need - some new clothes!"

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...
size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"

Joe was on a roll and said "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see..9-1/2 E."

Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said,
"Let's see...size 38."

Joe laughed. "Ah ha! I've got you there! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head and said,

"You can't wear a size 34.

A size 34 underwear would press your testicles

up against the base of your spine

and give you one hell of a headache!"


THE MORAL OF THIS STORY?

ALWAYS get a second opinion.....

Sex - Church - Pancakes

1. Sex:

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"



2. Church

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand.

He said "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!"

The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity."

The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!"

The preacher said, "No shit?"


3. Pancakes

Brenda and Steve took their six- year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem"

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"

"Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."

It's All In the Title

A woman renewing her driver's license at the County Clerk's office was asked by the woman recorder to state her occupation. Emily had hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself.
"What I mean is," explained the recorder, "do you have a job, or are you just a .....?"
"Of course I have a job," snapped Emily. "I'm a mother."
"We don't list 'mother' as an occupation...'housewife' covers it," said
the recorder emphatically.
I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same situation,
this time at our own Town Hall.
The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient, and possessed of a high -
sounding title like "Official Interrogator" or "Town Registrar."

"What is your occupation?" she probed.
What made me say it, I do not know.
The words simply popped out.
"I'm a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations."
The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in midair, and looked up as though she had not heard right. I repeated the title slowly, emphasizing the most significant words. Then I stared with wonder as my
pronouncement was written in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire.

"Might I ask," said the clerk with new interest, "just what you do in your field?"

Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply, "I have a continuing program of research (what mother doesn't) in the laboratory and in the field (normally I would have said indoors and out). I'm working for my Masters (the whole darned family) and already have four
credits (all daughters). Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities (any mother care to disagree?) and I often work 14 hours a day (24 is more like it). But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are more of a satisfaction rather than just money."
There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me to the door.
As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was greeted by my lab assistants - ages 13, 7, and 3.
Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model (6 months) in the child-development program, testing out a new vocal pattern.

I felt triumphant! I had scored a beat on
bureaucracy! And I had gone on the official records as someone more distinguished and
indispensable to mankind than "just another mother."
Motherhood...what a glorious career.

Especially when there's a title on the door.

Does this make grandmothers "Senior Research Associates in the Field of Child Development and Human Relations", and great - grandmothers "Executive Senior Research Associates"?

I think so!
I also think it makes aunts "Associate Research Assistants!"

A Little Word Play

Lovers of the English language might enjoy this.....

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP."

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special. And this UP is confusing:

A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions .

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets UP the earth.


When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP,
for now my time is UP, so.............

Time to shut UP.....!

Oh...one more thing:
What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night? -------


U P