One for the Guys

This is why lots of men have dogs and not wives.

1. The later you are, the more excited they are to see you.

2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
5. A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
6. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
7. A dog's parents never visit.
8. Dogs do not hate their bodies.
9. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
10. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.
11. Dogs seldom outlive you.
12. Dogs can't talk.
13. Dogs enjoy petting in public.
14. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24-hours a day.
15. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
16. Dogs like to go hunting.
17. Another man will seldom steal your dog.
18. If you bring another dog home, your dog will happily play with both of you.
19. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died would you get another dog?"
20. If you pretend to be blind, your dog can stay in your hotel room for free.
21. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them
away.
22. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a
pervert.
23. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.
24. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad, they just
think it's interesting.
25. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.
26. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
27. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
28. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale's or Neiman-Marcus.
29. If a dog leaves, it won't take half your stuff.

The Pickle Slicer

A man starts a new job in a pickle factory but after a week has to
visit the psychiatrist. "I've got to leave the pickle factory", he
said. "Every time I go there I have an inexplicable urge to put my
'pickle' in the pickle slicer!"

The psychiatrist tells him to relax and go back to work. After a week
he came back and said his urge had got worse. The psychiatrist calmed
him down and sent him back to work again. The next week he came back
looking really dejected and said "I finally did it. I put my 'pickle'
in the pickle slicer."

"What happened?" exclaimed the psychiatrist.

"The boss came in and caught me and I got fired."

"What about the pickle slicer?" asked the psychiatrist.

"Oh", said the man, "She got fired too."

Where is Jesus?

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his
students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the
Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they
understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He
grew up, etc.

So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on
and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I
know! He's in our bathroom!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for
a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long
seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he
knew this.

Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on
the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'"

Staying Awake

There are these two friends, Matt & Suzy. They both attend a
Christian academy. Suzy has a bad problem with falling asleep in
class. One day the nun decided to call on Suzy to answer some
questions. Well, the nun proceeded to ask her first question, "who is
the creator of the universe?" of course Suzy is fast asleep. But her
friend Matt, afraid she will get into trouble, takes a safety
pin and sticks Suzy in the bottom to wake her up. When he does, Suzy
bolts straight up and says, "God almighty!" The nun is just amazed
that Suzy has gotten this right. So she tries again. "Who is our
savior?" Well Suzy has already drifted off again so Matt sticks her
once more and Suzy jumps up to say, "Jesus Christ!" the nun is
flabbergasted that Suzy has gotten two right. The nun proceeds to ask
yet another question. "What did Eve say to Adam after the birth of
their 23rd child?" Matt again pokes the sleeping Suzy in the bottom
and she jerks up to say, "God Damn it, if you stick that thing in me
one more time I am going to break it off!"

Eulogy

It is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the following news about a great American icon...Veteran Pillsbury spokesperson, The Pillsbury
Doughboy, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a slightly greased coffin.

Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack,
Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, Capt'n Crunch, Mr. Goodbar, and many others.

The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded, always rose to the occasion, but whose later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much his time on half-baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times, he was considered a roll model for millions, even as a crusty old man.

Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two children,
and a bun in the oven.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

Mourning a Beloved Old Friend

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend by the name of Common Sense. He was with us for many years.
No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valued lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, and that life isn't always fair.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge).

His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six year old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch, and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student only worsened his condition!

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses, and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, spilled it in her lap, and was awarded a huge settlement.


Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.

He is survived by a stepbrother, My Rights and a stepsister, Ima Whiner.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

If you knew him, pass this on.

Romantic Rhymes

These are entries to a Washington Post competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line... but the least romantic second line.

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss;
But I slept with you because I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. But
the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face!

Kind, intelligent, loving, and hot;
This describes everything you're not.

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that bag from off of your face.

I love your smile, your face, your eyes;
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife;
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming...
That's why I always wake up screaming.

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell"!

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

Bad Days

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying," Hello."
I politely said, "This is Andrew. Could I please speak with Robin Carter?"
Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her.
I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!"
It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic asshole calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the Caller ID program?" He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.
I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me.
I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window so, I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole, (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"Don, you're an asshole." Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.
But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.

So, I came up with an idea.

I called Asshole #1.

"Hello."
"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."

Then I called Asshole #2.

"Hello?" he said.
"Hello, asshole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are....."
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now".

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th Street.
There I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and news crew.

NOW I feel better!

The Italian Story

Let's start at the beginning.

Come stai? Molto benne. Bon giorno. Ciao. Arrivederci. Every Italian

From Italy knows these words and every Italian-American should. But what

About the goomba speech pattern? Those words and phrases that are a little

Italian, a little American, and a little slang. Words every paison and

bacciagaloop has heard, words we hear on The Sopranos and throughout

our Little Italy neighborhoods of New York and New Jersey. This form of

language, the "Goomba-Italiano" has been used for generations.





It's not gangster slang terms like "whack" or "vig", if that's what

you are thinking---nope, this is real guido tawk!



The goomba says ciao when he arrives or leaves. He says Madonna Mia

anytime emotion is needed in any given situation. Mannaggia,

meengya, oofah, and, of course, va fungool can also be used. Capeesh?

He uses a mopeen to wipe his hands in the cucina, gets agita from the

Gravy and will schkeeve meatballs unless they are homemade from the famiglia.



Always foonah your bread in the pot of gravy or you will be a mottie or

A goo-gootz. Mezza-fanooks are usually mamalukes and the girl from the

neighborhood with the reputation is a facia-bruta puttana or a

schifosa whoore. If you are called cattivo, gabbadost, schfatcheem,

stupido, or strunz, you are usually a pain in the ass. A crazy diavlo can give

you the maloikya (evil eye), but that red horn will protect you if you

use it right. Don't forget to always say per favore and grazie and prego.



If you are feeling mooshadd or stunad or mezza-morta, always head to

Nonna's and she will fix you up with a little homemade manicott',

gavadell', or calamar', or some ricott' cheesecake. Mangia some zeppoles,

canollis, torrone, struffoli, shfoolyadell', pignoli cookies, or a

little nutella on pannetone. Delizioso!

I think I'll head to the kitch and fix myself a sengweecj of gabagol'

with some proshoot and mozarell' or maybe just a hot slice of peetz.



So salud' if you have any Italian blood in you and if you understood

anything I wrote here. If so, you are numero uno and the professore

of the goombas. If you don't get any of this, then fa Nabola with the

whole thing and you are a disgraziato. Scuzi, me dispiachay, I didn't mean that.



Just fugheddaboudit!



Go get your Fila running suit on and skip to the Bada Bing to spend

some shcaroll' and have a good time with a mala femina....

Joe Pesci said it's ok.

Why We Love Children

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.

"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.

"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.

You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

"You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later....."Da-ad...."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"

"No, You had your chance. Lights out."

Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"

I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"

Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."

"WHAT!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out
and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed.
She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
"The big sissy."

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said,

"That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"

The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.

She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"

I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."

"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,

"Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.

Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped,
"What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.

"Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day,
"What are you teaching my son in math?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, 'two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four'."

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer.
She read, "... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"

The teacher paused then asked the class,
"And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said,
"I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply,
"I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say,
"I'm Jane Sugarbrown."

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,
"Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"

She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"

Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,
"If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."

She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."