Saturday, September 16, 2006

Best Comeback Line Ever

In summary, the police arrested Ward Branham, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Lethbridge, Alberta, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday. Ward will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior,
public indecency, and public intoxication at the Calgary courthouse on Monday.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop.

"You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around there for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview. Ward went on to say that he pulled over to the side
of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need."

"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Ward apparently failed to notice a police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer
Brin Taylor approached him.

"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor.
"I walked up to (Ward) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin. "
Taylor went on to describe what happened when SHE approached Ward. "I just went up and said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?" He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was
there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, ...

"A pumpkin? it midnight already??



I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.
I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show
for it. These last two weeks have been terrible. Your boss called to
tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and
nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new
You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after
watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't
touch me or anything.
Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, what ever the case
is, I'm gone.
PS: If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving
away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! Your Ex-wife
.....The saga continues.....

Dear Ex-wife
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that
you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a
far cry from what you've been.
I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too
bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair
last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a
man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything
When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with
MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to
sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was
still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just
borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was
$49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.
So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, Iquit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason I guess! I hope you have the filling
life you always wanted.
My lawyer said with the letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from
me. So take care.
PS: I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born
Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

The New Bride's Cookbook

MONDAY: It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel
food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately.
The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some
extra bowls.

TUESDAY: Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe
said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a
surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper.

WEDNESDAY: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash
thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of
silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved
the rice any.

THURSDAY: Today Tom asked for salad again. I tried a
new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed
of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me
why I was rolling around in the garden.

FRIDAY: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said
put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must
have been something wrong with this recipe. When I
got back, everything was the same as when I left.

SATURDAY: Tom did the shopping today and brought home
a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh
boy). For some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.

SUNDAY: Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve
roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a
flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and
set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger,
much to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY: This has been a very exciting
week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out
a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a
bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with
chocolate moose.

Passing of an old friend

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Mr. Common
Sense. Mr Sense had been with us for many years. No one knows for
sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red

He will be remembered as having cultivated such value lessons as
knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the
worm and that life isn't always fair. Common Sense lived by simple, sound
financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting
strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge).

His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place. - Reports of a six-year-old
boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended
from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for
reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Mr. Sense declined even further when schools were required to get
parental consent to administer aspirin to a student; but, could not inform
the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to
realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, she spilled a bit in her
lap, and was awarded a huge financial settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and
Trust, his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son,
Reason. He is survived by two stepbrothers; My Rights and I'm a Whiner.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

Pass this on; if not, join the majority and do


Watch your THOUGHTS...they become WORDS.

Watch your WORDS...they become ACTIONS.

Watch your ACTIONS...they become HABITS.

Watch your HABITS...they become CHARACTER.

Watch your CHARACTER, for it becomes your DESTINY.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Revised version of the Three Little Bears

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he
looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my
porridge?!!," he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks
into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my
Porridge?!!," he roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and
yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this?

"It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke everyone
in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was Momma Bear who
unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was
Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the
newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the table, it was Momma Bear who put
the cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food
dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-butts
downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence,
listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time...


Sunday, September 10, 2006

Open letter to my pets

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's behind. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less.
2. Don't ask for money all the time.
3. Are easier to train.
4. Usually come when called.
5. Never drive your car.
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends.
7. Don't smoke or drink.
8. Don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions.
9. Don't wear your clothes.
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college.
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

Friday, September 01, 2006

We Must Stop This Immediately!

Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther Away. Yesterday I walked to the corner, and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!

And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?

I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.

I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this
morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own refection.........Well, REALLY NOW- even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them.. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.

Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and bosom?

The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?

I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but
the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in here!

All I can do is pass along this warning: We are under attack! Unless
something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.


PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has caused my computer's fonts to be smaller than they once were too!

If there's anything I can't stand, its intolerance.

Good Housekeeping Tip

Always keep several get well cards on the mantel......

so if unexpected guests arrive, they will think
you've been ill and unable to clean.

The tailgating woman

An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy
boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did
the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have
beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration
as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up
into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to
exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the
door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.

"I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.

"Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."


Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks
didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got
home from the party.

As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of
aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a
single red rose!

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly
clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he
sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he
notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with
little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick!


Breakfast is on the stove.

I left early to go get groceries to make
you your favorite dinner tonight.

I love you, darling!


He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so
clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,

"Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"

Broken Coffee Table - $139.00

Hot Breakfast - $4.20

Two Aspirins - 38¢

Saying the right thing, at the right time - Priceless

The Most Functional English Word

Well, it's shit...

that's right, shit!

Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.


You can get shit-faced, be shit out of luck, or have shit for brains.

With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit, Or be asked to shit or get off the pot.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit.

Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between Shit and Shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits,

There is bull shit, horse shit and chicken shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shits creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!

You could pass this along, if you give a shit. Or not do so, If you don't give a shit!

Well Shit, it's time for me to go.

Just wanted you to know that I do Give A Shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit.

But if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit head.......

Well, shit happens!

Smart Ass Answers

Smart Ass Answer #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat....she said,
"Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

Smart Ass Answer #4:

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Smart Ass Answer #3:

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled
down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Smart Ass Answer #2:

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands
on his hips and says, "Got stuck,huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of

AND NOW........FOR.............THE.......... #1 SMART ASS ANSWER

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness,
or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses
A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says,
"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand!!!"

Yelling Across the River

Ole lived across the river from Clarence--and they didn't like
each other at all. They were yelling all the time across the
river at each other.

Ole would yell to Clarence, "If I had a vay to cross dis river,
I'd come over dere an beat you up good, yeah sure ya betcha by golly!"

This went on for years. Finally the state built a bridge across
the river right there by their houses.

Ole's wife, Lena, said, "Now is your chance, Ole, why don't you go over dere & beat up dat Clarence like you said you vould?

Ole said, "OK, by yimmy I tink I vill do yust dat." Ole started
for the bridge but he saw a sign on the bridge & he stopped to read it, then he turned around & went back home.

Lena asked, "Vhy did you come back?"

Ole said, "Lena, I tink I change my mind 'bout beatin' up dat
Clarence, you know, dey put up a sign on da bridge dat says,
"Clarence is 13 ft. 6 in."

"You know, he don't look dat big vhen I yell at him from across da river."