Friday, July 06, 2007

DOS

"DOS" stands for "Dummies over spending" and only does the "WANNABE GEEK TRIBE" still speak the language. The Wannabe Geeks lived in the Bus Region of Central Processing from the early 1900s. They are distinguished by a clicking sound made while communicating. Their diet consists mostly of mouse, for which webs are used to expedite capture. They can be found staring at a square object called a "Monitor" which projects images of fantasy into their brains. The "Monitor as we all know, defeated the "Merrimac" in what was to become the first of the submarine wars (but that's another story)...... (("Blimpie's won)).......

The ancient language of the DOS people is still in use today. In fact, the fact the modern language spoken by almost everyone "WINDOWS" is nothing more than a clever translator of this ancient DOS. Sorta like Italian is to Latin. While masses are no longer spoken in DOS, the obsessively faithful still can be seen to huddle over an alter known as the "keyboard" uttering the ancient chants to this very day. Words like "Format", "Edlin", and commands like "CD", "FDISK" and "DeBug" are extremely powerful juju believe me.

Books written about DOS are mostly the "works" of the prophet Gates. Although in English, these are indecipherable in their current format. One must take into account that the mind "snaps into psychosis when going from genius to multi-gazillionaire. For only through the eyes of a madman can one comprehend the "Command.Com- (ments)" of "Moses Gates"(as in "The Gates of Hell") which one must pass through in order to speak flatulent DOS.

The original copies of "THE BOOK OF DOS" may be found at Microsoft inc. otherwise known as the "TOWER of BABBLE".

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

The Female Mind

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his forehead while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

Saturday, February 17, 2007

46 RULES THAT GUYS WISH GIRLS KNEW.....

1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, Put it down.
3. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to;expect an answer you do not want to hear.
6. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.
8. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
9. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.
10. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
11. You have enough clothes.
12. You have too many shoes.
13. Crying is blackmail.
14. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.
15. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!
16. No, we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
17. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult. We are bound to miss sometimes.
18. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
19. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
20. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That is what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
22. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
23. Check your oil.
24. Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived.
25. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together.
26. No, it does not matter which quiz.
27. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
28. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
29. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
30. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it is genetic.
31. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
32. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done; not both.
33. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
34. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and either do we.
35. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
36. More women should wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses. We like staring at boobs.
37. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
38. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
39. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
40. If it itches, it will be scratched.
41. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
42. If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement.
43. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
44. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
45. If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly fantasize about having sex with her. But do not worry; the fantasy includes you AND her together.
46. What the hell is a doily?

Monday, January 08, 2007

Clean Underwear

Listen up!  If you don't laugh out loud at this one, call the morgue  and
reserve a tray, because you are dead.

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under  your vehicle.

From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story  of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart only to have their  car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.

On closer inspection, she saw pair a of male legs protruding from under the chassis.

Although the man was in shorts, his lack of  underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP  his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

Smile Time

At 85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and
Morris should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night
together.

After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Morris, her 85 year old groom ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Morris takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Morris. Again he is ready for more "action". Somewhat surprised, Lou
Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Morris is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action". And, once again they enjoy each other.
But as Morris gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often.  I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Morris."
Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: "You mean I was here already?"

The moral of the story:

Don't be afraid of getting old,

Alzheimer's has it's advantages!

HUMOR IN THE FACE OF DEFEAT

A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. 

While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend.  In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him, AND she wanted pictures of herself back.
So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do.

He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted

photos of women he could find.
He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girlfriend with the following note:
"I don't remember which one you are. 

Please remove your picture and send the rest back."

The IRS Genie

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the
desert without water.
His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.
She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She  has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes." 

"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS auditor genie." 

"What do you have to lose?  You've got no transportation,
and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."
***POOF*** 

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest
dreams."
***POOF*** 

The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish.  Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says, "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me." 
***POOF***

He is turned into a tampon.


The moral of the story:  If the government offers you
anything, there's going to be a string attached.

The Church Gossip

The church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church's morals kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several church members were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being a drunk after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away.

He didn't explain, defend, or deny; he said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of her house . . . . .

and left it there all night. . . . .

AT THE FOOTBALL GAME

SITTING BEHIND A COUPLE OF NUNS AT A FOOTBALL GAME (WHOSE HABITS PARTIALLY BLOCKED THE VIEW), THREE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE NUNS IN AN EFFORT TO GET THEM TO MOVE.
IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID, "I THINK I'M GOING TO MOVE TO UTAH, I HEARD THERE ARE ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE."
THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO MONTANA. THERE ARE ONLY 5O NUNS LIVING THERE."
THE THIRD GUY SAID, "WELL I WANT TO GO TO IDAHO. THEY SAY THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS LIVING THERE."
ONE OF THE NUNS TURNED AROUND, LOOKED AT THE MEN, AND IN A VERY SWEET, CALM,VOICE SAID ...
"WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL. . . . .

THERE AREN'T ANY NUNS THERE."

THE CONFEDERACY LIVES ON

A very genteel Southern lady was driving across the Savannah River Bridge in Georgia one day.  As she neared the top of the bridge, she  noticed a young man fixing (ready) to jump.
She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please don't jump, think of your dear mother and father." 

He replied, "Mom and Dad are both dead;  I'm going to jump."
She said, "Well, think of your wife and children" 

He replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any kids."
She said, "Well, think of Robert E. Lee." 

He replied, ''Who's Robert E. Lee?''
She replied, ''Well bless your little heart,

just go ahead and jump,

you dumb ass Yankee!"

WALKING THE DOG

A little girl asked her mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?                        
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."                        
"What's that mean?" asked the child.                        
"Go ask your father.  I think he's in the garage."                      
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block?   I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat and to come to you."                         
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."

He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline and scrubed the dog's backside with it and said, "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle  
on the leash and only go one time around the block."                   
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.                    
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"                       
The little girl said,

"She ran out of gas about halfway down the block,

so another dog is pushing her home.

WHAT IS THE RIGHT ANSWER?

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your small car?

Think before you continue reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.  However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered, "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital.  I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.  Never forget to "Think Outside the Box."

HOWEVER ........., the correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers!!!!

....... Geez, I just love happy endings.