Wednesday, April 07, 2010

Top twelve reasons homosexual marriage should not be legal

1.Homosexuality is not natural, much like eyeglasses, polyester, and birth control.

2.Heterosexual marriages are valid because they produce children. Infertile couples and old people can’t legally get married because the world needs more children.

3.Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

4.Straight marriage will be less meaningful, since Britney Spears’ 55-hour just-for-fun marriage was meaningful.

5.Heterosexual marriage has been around a long time and hasn’t changed at all; women are property, blacks can’t marry whites, and divorce is illegal.

6.Gay marriage should be decided by people not the courts, because the majority-elected legislatures, not courts, have historically protected the rights of the minorities.

7.Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That’s why we have only one religion in America.

8.Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

9.Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

10.Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That’s why single parents are forbidden to raise children.

11.Gay marriage will change the foundation of society. Heterosexual marriage has been around for a long time, and we could never adapt to new social norms because we haven’t adapted to cars or longer lifespans.

12.Civil unions, providing most of the same benefits as marriage with a different name are better, because a “separate but equal” institution is always constitutional. Separate schools for African-Americans worked just as well as separate marriages for gays and lesbians will.

Chicken Crossing

Taoist sage Lao Tzu:
The road that can be crossed is not the true Road.
(Tao Te Ching, ch. 1)

Also from Lao Tzu:
Those who cluck do not know.
Those who know do not cluck.

If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.

Star Trek’s Captain Kirk:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

To know her true self, for the greater good of all.

Zeno of Elea:
To prove she could never reach the other side, given that, before she can get there, she must get halfway there; and before she can get halfway there, she must get a quarter of the way there; and before traveling a quarter, she must travel one-eighth; and …

John Lennon:
Imagine all the world’s chickens, crossing every road in peace…

Colonel Sanders (of KFC—Kentucky Fried Chicken):
I missed one?

Hugh Hefner (the “Colonel Sanders of Hot Chicks”):
To fully expose its delightful body. Maybe she would like to come live with me… and dress up as a bunny.

Dr. Seuss:
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did she cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed, I’ve not been told!

Ernest Hemingway:
To die. In the rain. Alone.

Martin Luther King Jr.:
I have a dream that one day all of God’s chickens, chickens of every color and faith, from every village and every hamlet, will be free–thank God Almighty, free at last!–to cross any road without their motives called into question.

Louis Farrakhan:
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The white chicken crossed the “black man” in order to trample him and keep him down.

Well now, listen here, my young friend. In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and, by golly, that was good enough for us. Those were simpler times, and we were simpler folks.

Barbara Walters:
Isn’t that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road. We’ll have all the details you want to hear, right after this break.

Oprah Winfrey:
Well, I understand that this chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so badly. So, I’m going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not have to live his life like the rest of the chickens.

Dr. Phil:
The problem we have here is that our chicken friend won’t realize he must first deal with the big problem on THIS side of the road before he goes after the problem on the OTHER SIDE of the road. He needs HELP realizing just how STUPID he is for not taking on his CURRENT problems before adding NEW problems!

George Bush:
We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is with us or against us. No middle ground here. In fact, Vice President Cheney tells me there’s evidence this chicken is a terrorist in collusionation with the enemies of our freedom. Dick, do you have your gun handy? Wait a minute now, Dick! Make sure that thing’s pointed in the right direction, okay?

Colin Powell:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road…

Ralph Nader:
The chicken’s habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on other side of the road because it was crushed by the monstrous wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

Pat Buchanan:
To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.

Jerry Falwell:
Because the chicken was gay! Isn’t it obvious? Can’t you people see the plain truth? The chicken was going to the other side. That’s what they call it: “the other side.” Yes, my friends, that chicken is GAY. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like “the other side.”

Ronald Reagan:
As with the Iran-Contra matter and Nicaragua, I don’t remember. But I’m sure it was in our great country’s best interests.

Bill Clinton:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken.

Sigmund Freud:
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road clearly reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. What were your feelings about your mother?

Carl Jung:
How synchronous, Herr Freud, that this chicken should cross this road at exactly this moment on the way to
its full individuation!

H.P. Lovecraft:
To escape the crawling horror lurking on this side of the road, a nameless and foetid monstrosity that cannot be conceived save in the dreams of madness.

Howard Cosell (sportscaster):
It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of sports history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurrence.

Bill Gates:
To lead the other chickens across the Info Superhighway and into a world where there’s a computer in every home.

William Blake:
Little chicken, who set thee free
To wander here on Highway Three?
“Oh, sir, your question’s very odd;
He is called the Lamb of God.”

Weekly World News:
Nostradamus predicted chicken/Bigfoot horror!

Thomas Jefferson:
All hens are endowed by Nature and Nature’s God with the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of the other side.

Karl Marx:
Driven by the lash of economic necessity, it was historically inevitable.

I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it!

Che Guevara:
I am in solidarity with all chickens! Viva el pollo!

X-Files’ Fox Mulder:
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

X-Files’ Scully:
Mulder, calm down, it was a simple bio-mechanical reflex commonly found in chickens.

Sir Isaac Newton:
Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion tend to cross the road.

Albert Einstein:
It depends on the chicken’s frame of reference as to whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken. Moreover, given our curved universe, if the chicken keeps moving in the same direction, it winds up coming once again to the same road!

Physicist Werner Heisenberg:
Because the chicken is moving sufficiently fast, you can either observe the chicken or you can measure the chicken, but you cannot do both.

Timothy Leary (smiling):
Because it was the only far-out trip the Establishment would let this groovy little chicken take.

Jean Paul Sartre (not smiling):
To impose a meaning upon her accidental existence…
Do you think you could sit with that chicken in a small room for eternity?

Albert Camus:
The chicken crossed the road. My mother died today.
Nothing matters. The world is absurd. Chicken’s actions have no meaning, except, possibly, to her.

Jacques Derrida:
These are just language games in the logocentric strategy of discourse. What is a “chicken”? What is the “road”? In the reappropriation of the original text of this phenomenon, and being utterly open to its subtext of emptiness and the many, as part of our ongoing postmodernist deconstructionist project, we are interested here only in the actual feathers, tissue, beak, claws, and asphault.

Jacques Derrida (asked the same Q on another occasion):
Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!

Vito Corleone:
We made her an offer she couldn’t refuse.

Rogue cops in the L.A.P.D. (Los Angeles Police Dept.):
Give us ten minutes with the chicken and we’ll find out.

Nancy Grace:
That chicken crossed the road because he’s GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

O.J. Simpson:
It didn’t cross the road. I was playing golf with it at the time.

Mark Twain:
The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

Steven Wright:
Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road.
It said, “What for?”