Monday, December 06, 2004

Test Group

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at
the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes
over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted
with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep
with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he
slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She
smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm
a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond
to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean

Late Night Quote

Madonna said today that we should pull all of our troops out of Iraq.
Donald Rumsfeld said, "No, I think we'd better wait and hear what
Britney Spears has to say about it first." - Jay Leno

Lessons from Mom

My mother taught me LOGIC...
"Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT...
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.

My mother taught me IRONY...
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS...
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM...
"Will you just look at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA...
"You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER...
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY...
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE...
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION...
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY...
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do!"

At the Gates

3 men died and went to heaven. St. Peter met them at the heavenly
gates and told them they were having a Christmas special. He said if
they had something on them that represented Christmas, then they could
get into heaven, no questions asked.

The first man reached into his pocket and pulled out a lighter. He
said, "This represent candles." St. Peter said, "Fine, come on in."

The second man reached into his pockets and pulled out his keys. He
said, "These represent bells." St. Peter said, "Great, come on in."

The third man reached in his pockets and dug deep. Finally, he pulled
out a pair of panties. He looked at St. Peter and said, "These are

Dictionary of Dating

DATING: The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and
energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't
especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in
the future.

EYE CONTACT: A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a
man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so,
many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not
necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a
woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND: A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some
flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE: A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by
the man as "playing hard to get."

IRRITATING HABIT: What the endearing little qualities that initially
attract two people to each other turn into after a few months

SOBER: A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT: What occurs when two extremely horny, but not
entirely choosy people meet.

LAW OF RELATIVITY: How attractive a given person appears to be is
directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

Three Old Men

Three old men were sitting around and talking.

The 80-year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me would
just to be able to have a good pee. I stand there for 20 minutes, and
it dribbles and hurts. I have to go over and over again."

The 85-year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me is if I
could have one good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I
can get my hands on and it's still a problem."

Then the 90-year-old said, "That's not my problem. Every morning at 6
a.m. sharp, I have a good long pee. At 6:30 a.m. sharp, I have a great
bowel movement. The best thing that could happen to me would be if I
could wake up before 7 a.m."

Baptising a Drunk

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon
down by the river.

He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the
Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says,
"Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher. I sure am."

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right
back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.

"No, I didn't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him
up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"No, I did not Reverend."

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 second
this time brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone,

"My God, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sure
this is where he fell in?"

Bend Her Over

A woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man.

The man said, "I must have you right now! I'll drop 500 dollars on the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up I can have my way with you from behind!"

The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute.

She called her girlfriend on her cell phone
and told her about the man's proposition.

Her girlfriend said,
"When he drops the $500 on the ground
I'm sure you can pick it up and run
before he gets his pants down.
Call me back and tell me what happened."

An hour and a half later the lady called her girlfriend back.

"What happened?" the girlfriend asked.

The lady said, "That M. F. had $500 in quarters!"

You Know Your Church is a Redneck Church if...

1) The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

2) People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

3) When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.

4) Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

5) A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

6) The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".

7) In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

8) Baptism is referred to as "branding".

9) High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.

10) People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

11) The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub.

12) The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

13) The collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.

14) Instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call.

15) The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

16) The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".

17) "Thou shalt not covet" applies to hunting dogs, too.

18) The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now! Ya' hear?"


One night, a torrential rain soaked South Louisiana.

The next morning the resulting floodwaters came up
about 6 feet into most of the homes.

Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her
neighbor, Mrs.Thibodeaux, waiting for help to come.

Mrs. Thibodeaux noticed a baseball cap floating near
the house, then she saw it float far out into the front! yard then float back to the house.
It kept floating away from the house then back towards
the house.

Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs.
Boudreaux, "Do you see dat dere baseball cap a floatin' away from the house, den back again?"

Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yeah, dass my husban, I tole dat jackass he gonna cut the grass today come hell or high water."

Sensitive Men

Sensitive men do exist

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar.
They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They get back to his apartment and she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.
Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher,
and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is surprised that this guy would have a
collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so
extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him,
and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
She turns to him ... they kiss ... and then they
rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love.
After an intense night of passion with this sensitive
guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow,
the woman rolls over and asks, smiling,
"Well, how was it?"

The guy says:

"Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

The Night of Thanksgiving

A little late, but here goes:

Twas the night of Thanksgiving,
but I just couldn't sleep...
I tried counting backwards,
I tried counting sheep.
The leftovers beckoned...the dark meat and white,
but I fought the temptation with all of my might.
Tossing and turning with anticipation,
the thought of a snack became infatuation.
So, I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door
and gazed at the fridge, full of goodies galore.
I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,
stuffing with gravy, green beans and tomatoes.
I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,
till all of a sudden, I rose off the ground.
I crashed through the ceiling, floating into the sky
with a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie
But, I managed to yell as I soared past the trees...
Happy eating to all -- pass the cranberries, please.

Turkey Football

The pro football team had just finished their daily practice
session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the
players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and
demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught
pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the
turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're
terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a
huge bonus."

"Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, does the
season go past Thanksgiving Day?"

It was like this, Your Honor...

I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I was met with, "Hi,I'm Belinda!"
This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, "All I need you to do is step into this room here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. 'Everything clear?"
I'm thinking, "Belinda ... try decaf. This ain't rocket science."
Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.
Call me crazy, but I suspect a man invented this machine.
It takes a perfectly healthy cup size of 36-B to a size 38-LONG. Also, girls are made of sugar and spice and
everything nice...we are NOT Spandex. We can't be stretched, pulled and twisted over a cold 4-inch piece of
square glass and still pop back into shape.
Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said,
"Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?"
"Fine," I answered.
I was freezing, bruised and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off?
My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other boob wedged between those two 4" pieces of square
glass) when we heard, then felt, a zap!
Complete darkness and the power went off!
"What?" I yelled.
"Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag."
Belinda headed for the door.
"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone, are you?" I shouted.
Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy... the door's
wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back"
Before I could shout, NOOOO!" she disappeared.
And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men
extraordinaire, found me, half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass!
After exchanging polite "Hi, how's it going"
type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked,
to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.
Trying to disguise my hysteria I replied with as much calmness as possible.
"Uh, yes...yes I did, thanks."
"You bet, take care," Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.
Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin.
Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said,
"Oh I am soooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"
And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps.


A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw
her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear
that suit."

"And why not, darling?" He asked.

"You know it always gives you a headache the next morning."

Three Envelopes

A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech
corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and
presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up
against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales
took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his
wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took
out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."
The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at
the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the
press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick
up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in
sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his
previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The
message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again
fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door
and opened the third envelope. The message said, "Prepare three

A Question

Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than to
improving their minds?

(answer is in the comments)

On Stage

The Queen and the Pope are on stage together at a huge charity event.
Obviously, they've both done this sort of thing many times before, so
to make it a little more interesting the Queen says to the Pope, "How
about a wager? I bet I can make every British person in this crowd go
wild with just one little wave of my hand."

The Pope agrees and the Queen waves her hand. Sure enough, the royal
wave elicits rapturous applause and cheering from all the Brits in the

The Pope, not wishing to be outdone by someone wearing a worse frock
and hat than him, says to the Queen, "That was impressive. How about
another wager? I bet I can make every Irish person in this crowd go
crazy with joy merely with a nod of my head. But it won't just last
for a minute. This joy will last for months and be talked about for

The Queen is skeptical. "One nod of your head? Show me."

So the Pope head-butts her.

20 Years

A woman awakens during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee and asks solemnly, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?"
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring
and sensitive. "Yes I do," she replies.
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued...
"Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to
jail for 20 years'?"
"I remember that too" she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said,
"I would have gotten out today."

Stuff Found on Bathroom Walls

1. Why are you reading this? The joke is in your hand.
2. Any weenie can piss on the floor. Be a hero and poop on the
3. The future is in your hands!
4. Some come here to sit and think. Some come here to s*** and tink.
But I come here to scratch my balls And read the junk that’s on the
5. Written at the very bottom of a bathroom door in very small
printing... I had to lean WAY forward to read it... It said: 'You are
now pooping at a 45 degree angle!'
6. This toilet paper is like John Wayne: it's tough, it's rough... and
it doesn't take crap from anyone.
7. Please do not throw cigarette buts in this urinal: it makes them
soggy and hard to light.
8. Sign on condom vending machine: 'My dad says these don't work.'

Three Sisters

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night
the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She
yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94-year old-yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She
starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening
to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get
that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help
both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."


I can sizzle like bacon,
I am made with an egg,
I have plenty of backbone, but lack a good leg,
I peel layers like onions, but still remain whole,
I can be long, like a flagpole, yet fit in a hole,
What am I?

(answer is in the comments)

Life - Explained

On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten."
So God agreed.

On the second day God created the monkey. God said,
"Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"
And God agreed.

On the third day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty."
And God agreed again.

On the forth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years."
Man said, "What? Only twenty years! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back and the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks
to entertain the grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.
Enjoy it!


This has got to be one of the most clever E-mails
I've received in awhile.

Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.

When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM

When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER

When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT

When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE

When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS

When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME

When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY

When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER

When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE

When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE

When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE

Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay too much time on their hands!
Bet your friends haven't seen this one!!!

Thursday, December 02, 2004

Signs You Went Nuts on Thanksgiving

1. You spill more food on you than the local soup kitchen dispenses
2. Paramedics bring in the Jaws of Life to pry you out of the EZ-Boy
3. Your after dinner moans are loud enough to signal Dr. Kevorkian
4. The "Gravy Boat" your wife set out was a real 12' boat!
5. The potatoes you used set off another famine in Ireland
6. You get grass stains on your butt after a walk, but you never sat down
7. Your "Big Elvis Super-Belt" won't even go around your waist
8. You receive a Sumo Wrestler application in your e-mail
9. You set off 3 earthquake seismographs on your morning jog Friday
10. Pricking your finger for cholesterol screening only yielded gravy
11. You have 5 TV sets side-by-side to catch all the football games
12. A guest quotes a Biblical passage from "The Feeding of the 5000"
13. That rash on your stomach turns out to be steering wheel burn
14. Your wife wears a life jacket at night in your waterbed
15. Representatives from the Butterball Hall of Fame called twice
16. You consider gluttony as your patriotic duty
17. It looks like the leftovers are gonna last until Christmas
18. Your arms are too short to reach the keyboard & delete this

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

Good Chicken

A truck driver is barreling down the road at 80 miles per hour and he
looks over and sees a three legged chicken racing right along with
him. He can't believe what he's seeing, but he speeds up to 100 miles
per hour to see what would happen. Sure enough, the chicken catches
up with him.

"Wow," says the truck driver, and he floors it to 120 miles per hour.
This time the chicken not only catches up but leaves him in the dust
and goes on down the road. Stunned, the trucker pulls into a gas
station and tells the attendant what happened.

"Oh yeah," says the attendant, "that's farmer Brown and his
three-legged chickens. He's got a whole farm full of them. His farm
is right down the road if you want to see them."

The trucker has to see this. Sure enough, as he pulls into the farm,
he sees hundreds of three-legged chickens all over the place. He
approaches the farmer and asks what's going on. The farmer tells him
that it was a freak birth, but he realized what a wonderful sales
gimmick this would be.

"How many times have you wished you had that third chicken leg for the
kid left over or for granny?"

The trucker thought it over and said, "Yeah, that is a great idea, but
do they taste good?"

The farmer scratches his head and says, "Don't know, can't catch 'em."

The Vet's Revenge

One hot July day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny & hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her & put her in a carrier & took her to the vet.

The Vet decided to keep her for a day or so & said he would let us know when we could come & get her. My husband (the complainer) said, " OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks". And he reminded the vet that it was his wife that wanted the dirty cat, not him!. My husband & my Vet don't see eye to eye. He calls my husband El-Cheap-O. My husband calls him El-Take-0. They love to hate each other.

Next day my husband had an appointment with his Doctor, which was located next door to the Vet. The Doctor's office was full of people waiting to see the doctor.

A side door opened & in leaned the Vet, he had obviously seen my husband arrive.
He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, "Your Wife's Pussy is finally clean & shaved. She now smells like a rose. And by the way, I think she's pregnant. God knows who the father is!"
And he closed the door.

Now, that's getting even!

My, How Times Change

1974: Long hair
2004: Longing for hair

1974: KEG
2004: EKG

1974: Acid rock
2004: Acid reflux

1974: Moving to California because it's cool
2004: Moving to California because it's warm

1974: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2004: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1974: Seeds and stems
2004: Roughage

1974: Hoping for a BMW
2004: Hoping for a BM

1974: The Grateful Dead
2004: Dr. Kevorkian

1974: Going to a new, hip joint
2004: Receiving a new hip joint

1974: Rolling Stones
2004: Kidney Stones

1974: Being called into the principal's office
2004: Calling the principal's office

1974: Screw the system
2004: Upgrade the system

1974: Disco
2004: Costco

1974: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2004: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1974: Passing the drivers' test
2004: Passing the vision test

1974: Whatever
2004: Depends

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen.

Here's this year's list:

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1986. They are too young to remember the first space shuttle blowing up.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

The CD was introduced the year they were born.

They have always had an answering machine.

They have always had cable.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard:
"Where's the Beef?",
"I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or
"de plane, Boss, de plane".

They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.

McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Do you feel old yet?

Hey, Abbott!!!

If computers had been around at the time, Bud Abbott and Lou Costello's infamous sketch "Who's on first?" might have turned out something like this:


ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.


COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.


COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?


COSTELLO: For my office?


COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say I'm sitting at my Computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?


COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. can I watch them?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue "1".

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?

ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!

ABBOTT: No, just one. But it' s the most popular Word in the world.


ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.

COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.

COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?



ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START"..........

The Miracle of Toilet Paper

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion:

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and I stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
"How long will this take?" I ask.

"They will grow larger over a period of
years," he replies.

I stop.

"Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says,

"Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

Dumb Robbers

Two idiots rob a bank and all they get away with are two sacks, so
they keep one each. After awhile they meet again and one asks the
other, "What did you find in your sack?"

"Half a million"

"Aw... that's a lot! What did you do with the cash?"

"I bought a house. How about your sack?"

"Bah... it was full o' bills"

"And what did you do with them?"

"Eh well . . . little by little, I'm paying them off . . ."

Quiet Man

Sophie and Shirley, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community,
are curious about the latest arrival in their building -- a quiet,
nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself.

Shirley says," Sophie, you know I'm shy. Why don't you go over to him
at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely."

Sophie agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and
says, "Excuse me, mister. I hope I'm not prying, but my friend and I
were wondering why you looked so lonely."

"Of course I'm lonely, he says, "I've spent the past 20 years in

"You're kidding! What for?"

"For killing my third wife. I strangled her."

"What happened to your second wife?"

"I shot her."

"And, if I may ask, your first wife?"

"We had a fight and she fell off a building."

"Oh my," says Sophie. Then turning to her friend on the other side of
the pool, she yells, "Yoo hoo, Shirley. He's single."

Sunday School

A Sunday School teacher read a passage from the Old Testament book of
Jonah to her class:

"And the Lord appointed a great fish to swallow up Jonah; and Jonah
was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights. Then Jonah
prayed to the Lord his God from the belly of the fish, saying 'I
called to the Lord in my hour of my distress and He answered me.'
...and the Lord spoke to the fish, and it vomited out Jonah upon the
dry land." (Jonah 1:17)

When she had finished reading, the teacher said, "Now, children, you
have heard the Bible story of Jonah and the whale. What does this
story teach us?"

Ten-year-old Mark shouted out, "You can't keep a good man down!"

Help! I've been robbed!

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that
her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her
situation to the dispatcher:

"They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and
even the accelerator!" she cried.

The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says,
"She got in the back-seat by mistake."