I finished my dinner and made my way back to my well worn comfy computer chair and found this open on my screen and decided to fill it out. Not surprising, I got the same results as my daughter:
|
You Are the Stuffing |
You're complicated and complex, yet all your pieces fit together. People miss you if you're gone - but they're not sure why. |
There was an old married couple that had happily lived together for
nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by
the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke.
The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her
eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air.
Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in
the morning. He told her that he couldn't help it. She begged him to
see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband wouldn't
hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function and
then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away
with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it
and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out."
The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband
continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until
one Thanksgiving morning. Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to
prepare the family feast. She fixed pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy
and of course a turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's innards,
a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's
problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts
into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent
husband would awake.
While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then
gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of
the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced
the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family
meal.
Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal
loud-ass trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream
and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs
bathroom. The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to
tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up
with him she had finally gotten even.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood
stained underpants, with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip
to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter. He said,
"Honey, you were right - all those years you warned me and I didn't
listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one
of these days, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God
and these two fingers, I think I got 'em all back in."
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says,
"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and
I are divorcing; Our forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what the heck are you talking about," the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,"the old man says.
"We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this,
so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And then he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
" No Way they're getting a divorce, she shouts. "I'll take care of this."
She then calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man,
"You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there.
I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow EARLY.
Until then don't do a thing!!!,
DO YOU HEAR ME?"
And then she hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone, smiles and turns to his wife. "
Well Honey that takes care of that.. All the kids are now
coming for Thanksgiving and guess what dear ?
. . . . their even paying their own way."
Step 1: Go buy a turkey & a bottle of Wild Turkey 101-Proof
Step 2: Take a drink of WT-101
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of WT-101
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more WT drinks
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky poo
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: WwwT another wottle of get
Step 11: Stuck a turkey UP the thermometer
Step 12: Glass Uself a pour of DoubleUT (WT)
Step 13: Book the wwwtt for 4-ours
Step 14: Took the oven out of the turk
Step 15: (hic) pete - Took the oven out of the turk
Step 16: Floor the turk up off of the picky
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get uself awother ww-hic-tttt
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour Uself a gas of turk
Step 20: Bless the Lord oh turk, and pass the wt
10. You know that your turkey is a Butterball rather than a Grade E
yet semi-edible furball.
9. Your mother will not be serving your mashed potatoes and stuffing
with an ice cream scooper.
8. Pumpkin pie is a great alternative to green Jello.
7. After your eighth glass of cider, your emergency dash to the
bathroom will not be delayed by having to line the seat with toilet
paper.
6. Clean underwear, comfortable bed, access to a car, bedroom larger
than a 12x14 cell... OK, even if it is for only four days.
5. To eat your meals, the only trek you'll have to make is from the
couch to the kitchen, rather than the dorm to the dining hall...in
below freezing weather.
4. Instead of listening to "when I first started teaching here..." you
can be entertained by "when your mother was your age..." and "during
the Depression we weren't lucky enough to have brussel sprouts. Hell,
all we could afford was the sprout!"
3. You can eat your corn steamed with butter rather than popped in
your microwave
2. You'll know the hair in the shower drain is your own.
1. You won't be eating your Thanksgiving meal off a tray!
You may not know that many non-living things have a gender. For example:
1) Ziploc Bags -- They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
2) Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3) Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it and, of course, there's the hot air component.
5) Sponges -- Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.
7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
8) Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight can shift to the bottom.
9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
10) Remote Control -- Female. Ha! You thought it'd be Male. But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. While
doing this, the clerk spots two penguins sitting on the back seat of
the car. He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back
seat?"
The man in the car says, "I found them. I asked myself what to do with
them, but I haven't a clue."
The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo."
"Yeah, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away.
The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The
clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.
"Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the
zoo!"
"Oh, I did," says the driver, "and we had a swell time. Today I'm
taking them to the beach."
There are two plastic jugs filled with water. How could you put all of
this water into a barrel, without using the jugs or any dividers, and
still tell which water came from which jug?
(Solution can be found in the comments)
There was a little old lady who was very spiritual and she would step out on her porch every day, raise her arms to the
sky and yell, "Praise the Lord."
One day, an atheist bought the house next door to her, and he became very irritated with the spiritual lady. So after a month or so of her yelling, "Praise the Lord" from her porch, he went outside on his porch and yelled back, "There is no Lord."
Yet, the little old lady continued.
One cold, wintry day, when the little old lady couldn't get to the store, she went out on her porch, raised her hands up to the sky and said, "Help me Lord,
I have no more money,
it's cold, and I have no food."
The next morning, she went outside, and there were three bags of food on the porch, enough to last her a week.
"Praise the Lord," she yelled.
The Atheist stepped out from the bushes and said, "There is no Lord hahaha,
I bought those groceries!"
(Hold on...the ending is pretty good!).
************
The little old lady raised her arms to
the sky and said, "Praise the Lord,
You sent me groceries and You
made the Devil pay for them!"
A cabbie picks up a Nun.
She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".
She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:
#1, you have to be single and
#2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss tha! t would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
DO YOU THINK THIS GIVES MEN EQUAL TIME FROM ALL THE WOMEN E-MAILS ?
Men strike back!!!
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place
to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
-------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things"
that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------
How do you know when a woman
is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with
"A man once told me.."
-------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough
to build up the required pressure.
-------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door
and your wife is yelling at the front door,
who do you let in first?
The dog, of course.
He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
-------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food
that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake
-------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
When making public policy decisions about new technologies for the
Government, I think one should ask oneself which technologies would
best strengthen the hand of a police state. Then, do not allow the
Government to deploy those technologies.
- Philip Zimmermann
Wars teach us not to love our enemies, but to hate our allies.
- W. L. George
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their
feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop
it?
- Steven Wright
Of those who say nothing, few are silent.
- Thomas Neill
The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other
people.
- Lucille S. Harper
The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. What is called
resignation is confirmed desperation.
- Henry David Thoreau
One survey found that ten percent of Americans thought Joan of Arc was
Noah's wife....
- Robert Boynton
Reality is another person's idea of how things should be.
- Author Unknown
The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any
use to oneself.
- Oscar Wilde
In matrimony, to hesitate is sometimes to be saved.
- Samuel Butler
Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.
- Oscar Levant
History is the version of past events that people have decided to
agree upon.
- Napoleon Bonaparte
Beware the engineers of society, I say, who would make everyone in all
the world equal. Opportunity should be equal, must be equal, but
achievement must remain individual.
- R.A. Salvatore
Only the little people pay taxes.
- Leona Helmsley, hotel owner and prison inmate, 1989
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our
enemies; probably because generally they are the same people.
- G. K. Chesterton
If you can find something everyone agrees on, it's wrong.
- Mo Udall
A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along
with people, of getting things done.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower
Anyone nit-picking enough to write a letter of correction to an editor
doubtless deserves the error that provoked it.
- Alvin Toffler
We're all in this alone.
- Lily Tomlin
Freedom has many difficulties and democracy is not perfect, but we
never had to put up a wall to keep our people in.
- John Fitzgerald Kennedy
The greatest of faults, I should say, is to be conscious of none.
- Thomas Carlyle
What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
- George Carlin
Intelligence has nothing to do with politics.
- Londo Molari
A man who marries a woman to educate her falls a victim to the same
fallacy as the woman who marries a man to reform him.
- Elbert Hubbard
Speak when you are angry--and you will make the best speech you'll
ever regret.
- Laurence J. Peter
Acting is the most minor of gifts and not a very high-class way to
earn a living. After all, Shirley Temple could do it at the age of
four.
- Katharine Hepburn
Just in time for the holidays!
I know I'm going to find these very useful.
Windows:
Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a
helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun.
Call it an SPF factor of 15 and leave it alone.
Cobwebs:
Artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from
the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere.
If someone points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look confused and exclaim,
"What? And spoil the mood?"
(Or just throw glitter on them & call them holiday decorations.)
Pet Hair:
Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the
doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sewn play animals for underprivileged children. (Also keeps out cold drafts in winter.)
Guests:
If unexpected company is coming, pile everything
unsightly into one room and close the door.
As you show your guests through your tidy home,
rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say,
"I'd love you to see our den, but Fluffy hates to be
disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."
Dusting:
If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place
a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that
"This is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes."
General Cleaning:
Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner
with four cups of water in a spray bottle.
Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in
conspicuous locations.
Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself on the couch
and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere."
As a last resort, light the oven, throw a teaspoon of
cinnamon in a pie pan, turn off oven and explain that you
have been baking cookies for a bake sale for a favorite charity and haven't had time to clean...
Works every time.
Another favorite, I think from Erma Bombeck:
Always keep several get well cards on the mantle so if unexpected guests arrive, you can say you've been sick
and unable to clean.
A ventriloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a rancher sitting on
his porch with his dog:
Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?"
Rancher: "This dog don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin alright"
Rancher: (Extreme look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)"
Dog: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and
takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Rancher: (Look of disbelief)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Rancher: "Horses don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it goin?"
Horse: "Cool."
Rancher: (an even wilder look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at rancher)
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes
me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the
elements."
Rancher: (total look of amazement)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?"
Rancher: (stuttering, and hardly able to talk)......
"Th-Th-Them sheep ain't nothin but liars!!!"
The usher was making his rounds during the movie when he noticed a
gentleman sprawled across three seats.
He approached and told him he could not stay like that as he was using
up three seats. He got no response. He then told him if he did not get
up he would get the manager.
The manager came and asked him to sit up on one seat or he would call
the police and have him removed. Still no response.
The police came and asked him his name. He faintly answered, “Sam.”
“Well Sam,” said the officer, “Where are you from?”
The man very slowly raised his arm and pointed up and said very
faintly, “The balcony.”
A teacher of an adult sex education class was taking a survey on the
regularity of sex for men. He kept noticing a little man in the back
jumping up and down at his seat and rubbing hands together. He
decided to just ignore him and go on with the survey.
"How many men have sex once a day?” he asked. A few raised their
hands while the little man in the back just clapped his.
"How about once a week?” A few more hands went up.
“How about once a month?” Most hands went up with this and there was
only the jittery man in the back who hadn't raised his hand yet.
Determined to get him in the survey the teacher said, "Every three
months? 6 months? Alright, how about once a year?” The little man
jumps up and starts dancing and singing "me – me."
The teacher shakes his head and says, "How can anyone who has sex only
once a year be so happy about it?”
The little man sings, "Tonight’s the night."
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures
on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook,
and an eye patch. The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the
peg leg?"
The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept
overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out,
a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"?
"Well," replied the pirate, "we were boarding an enemy ship and were
battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand
off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye-patch"?
"A seagull pooped in my eye," replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked
incredulously.
"Well,", said the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."
WHAT'S Y'ALL'S SIGN?
It has become pretty obvious to us
hicks in the south
that our present astrological signs
have served their purpose
and that we should get rid of them.
When I'm out driving around I'll see bulls,
and once in a great while
I suppose I'll even see a ram.
Up the street from me there's some twins,
but I don't see them much.
The rest of these things are just too obscure.
You only see crabs on vacation.
There are no lions or scorpions,
not many archers and no damn water bearers.
Virgins?
The neighborhood's not crawling with them either.
SO, what we need here is some relevance.
We need things we can recognize up there in the night sky.
SCROLL DOWN TO YOUR BIRTH DATE.
Dec 22 - Jan 20 - OKRA
Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick
on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence.
An older Okra can look back over his life
and see the seeds of his influence everywhere.
Stay away from Moon Pies.
Jan 21 - Feb 19 - CHITLIN
Chitlins often come from humble backgrounds.
Many times they're uncomfortable talking about
just where they came from. A chitlin, however,
can make something of himself if he's motivated
and has plenty of seasoning. When it comes to
dealing with Chitlins, be very careful. Chitlins can
burn and then erupt like Vesuvius, and this can make
for a really terrible mess.
Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.
Remember that when marriage time rolls around.
Feb 20 - Mar 20 - BOLL WEEVIL
You have an overwhelming curiosity.
You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you
feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything.
Needless to say, you are very intense and driven
as if you had some inner hunger.
Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you,
so don't worry about it.
Mar 21 - Apr 20 - MOON PIE
You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch.
It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of
Moon Pies. "Big" and "round" are the key words here.
You should marry anybody who
you can get remotely interested in the idea.
It's not going to be easy.
This might be the year to think about aerobics.
Maybe not.
Apr 21 - May 21 - POSSUM
When confronted with life's difficulties,
possums have a marked tendency to withdraw
and develop a "don't -bother -me -about -it" attitude.
Sometimes you become so withdrawn,
people actually think you're dead.
This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy,
but seems to work for you.
One day, however, it won't work, and
you may find your problems actually running you over.
May 22 - Jun 21 - CRAWFISH
Crawfish is a water sign.
If you work in an office,
you're always hanging around the water cooler.
Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains,
the pool to the golf course,
the bathtub to the living room.
You tend not to be particularly attractive physically,
but you have very, very good heads.
Jun 22 - Jul 23 - COLLARDS
Collards have a genius for communication.
They love to get in the "melting pot" of life and
share their essence with the essences of those around them.
Collards make good social workers,
psychologists and baseball managers.
As far as your personal life goes,
if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies.
It just won't work.
Save yourself a lot of heartache.
Jul 24 - Aug 23 - CATFISH
Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart,
with one exception:
Whiskers may cause problems for loved ones.
You catfish are never easy people to understand.
You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life.
Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.
Aug 24 - Sep 23 - GRITS
Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself.
You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits.
You love to travel, though,
so maybe you should think about joining a club.
Where do you like to go?
Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs.
If you can go somewhere where they have all these things,
that serves you well.
Sep 24 - Oct 23 - BOILED PEANUTS
You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man.
Unfortunately, those who know you best
-your friends and loved ones -
may find that your personality is much too salty,
and their criticism will probably affect you deeply
because you are really much softer than you appear.
You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to
because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life.
On the road of life, you can be sure that people
will always pull over and stop for you.
Oct 24 - Nov 22 - BUTTER BEAN
Always invite a Butter Bean because
Butter Beans get along well with everybody.
You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud.
You've grown on the vine of life and
you feel at home no matter what the setting.
You can sit next to anybody.
However, you, too,
shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.
Nov 23 - Dec 21 - ARMADILLO
You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior,
but you are actually quite gentle.
A good evening for you?
Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects.
You are a throwback.
You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends.
You're not concerned with anything about today.
You're really almost prehistoric
in your interests and behavior patterns.
You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but
Possum is another, somewhat kinky, mating possibility.
(I have decided to include an entire Gmail group conversation here...the names have been changed to protect the innocent...and the guilty)
Paul: can someone please send me 10gallons of lotion. i got into a fight
with a razor over the idea of getting some this weekend :-(
-Itchy in (location withheld)
Kathy: if it's itching right away after doing it, you probably didn't use a
fresh razor blade... try the tripple bladed ones, they work best in
more delicate areas... if it's been a few days and it's itching,
well.. maybe the stubble it causing the irritation, which means you
need to either let it grow out or shave it again really fast before
you get too irritatetd then try to shave it which will be a bloody
mess... LMAO... either way, you're fucked... or NOT... for a few
days... LMAO... chalk this one up as lessons learned?
Alice: you know they make nair for men now, right?
John: Did you shave your fucking balls? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH(E^423)
Ken: Sponsored Links
Razor Blades by SBI
www.specialtyblades.com - High performance cutting blades in all
shapes & sizes - 1-800-252-3371
Shaving Sets from Italy
www.baysidebrushco.com - polish brass, stainless steel, gold ceramic,
resin, wood, horn, etc
Related Pages
Fire Ants, Kissing Bugs and Mosquitoes
allergies.about.com - Oct 19, 2004 - According to Richard M. Weber,
MD, National Jewish Medical and ...
How Does Shaving Work?
kidshealth.org - Have you always wondered how shaving works? Whether
you're thinking ...
lol @related links
Abe: Sponsored Links
Bikini Touch - Seen on TV
Gentle intimate trimmer leaves no ingrown hairs or razor bumps!
www.bikinitouch.com
Alice: Sponsored Links
Eliminate Pubic Hair
www.kalo-hair-removal.com - Kalo prevents hair from growing Safe on
pubic hair and guaranteed
Abe: tryin to eat here!
Kathy: you're a teenaged male, Abe... of course you are eating... [rolls
eyes] it's not like we're putting a hair pie in front of you!!!
[giggles]
Alice: whoever you are trying to eat, I hope she shaved ;-)
Lou: Eliminate Pubic Hair
www.kalo-hair-removal.com - Kalo prevents hair from growing Safe on
pubic hair and guaranteed
?????????
Abe: lol .. you guys need to fill up some of that free time
Ken: Fire Ants, Kissing Bugs and Mosquitoes
allergies.about.com - Oct 19, 2004 - According to Richard M. Weber,
MD, National Jewish Medical and ...
Shaving - Shave Using Intimate Personal Shavers
www.hair-removal-shaver.com - Hair removal and shaving resources for
safety and comfort.
i wonder why allergies.about.com keeps coming back... Paul got fire
ants in his badly-shaved crotch?
hair-removal-shaver --- what a thoughtful .com name... you'd never
guess what that site was about... [/sarcasm]
Abe: we all know that we'll never see [/sarcasm] from Ken
Lou: :/
An old married couple had no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, "Seven points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha, I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Not to be outdone, the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.
Now the pressure is on the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally
s**ts in the bed.
The wife says, "What the h*ll was that?"
The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."
Next time you want to complain about how long it takes to boot up your computer, just remember this little story:
http://tinyurl.com/5p6br
NEW - Different color from previous design.
ALL NEW - Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.
EXCLUSIVE - Imported product.
UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition.
FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments.
ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it.
IT'S HERE AT LAST - Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.
FIELD TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment.
HIGH ACCURACY - Unit on which all parts fit.
FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does.
REDESIGNED - Previous flaws fixed - we hope.
DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had a big argument with distributor.
YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one to work.
BREAKTHROUGH - We finally figured out a use for it.
MAINTENANCE FREE - Impossible to fix.
MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours.
SOLID-STATE - Heavy as anything!
HIGH RELIABILITY - We made it work long enough to ship it.
One morning while making breakfast,
a man walked up to his wife, pinched
her on the butt and said,
"If you firmed this up, we could get
rid of your control top panty hose".
While this was on the edge of
intolerable, she kept silent.
The next morning, the man woke his
wife with a pinch on each of her breasts
and said,
"You know, if you firmed these
up, we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silent response.
She rolled over and grabbed him by
his wackie.
With a death grip in place, she said,
"You know, if you firmed this up,
we could get rid of the gardener,
the pool man, and your brother ."
A 6-year old boy and a 4-year old boy are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the 6 year old.
"I think it's about time we started cussing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast,
I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass'.
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies,
"Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK!
He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.
His mom locks him in his room and shouts,
"You can just stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice,
"And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers,
"but you can bet your sweet ass it won't be Cheerios."
1. You need only two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move, and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.
2. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are "I apologize" and "You are right."
3. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
4. Never pass up an opportunity to go potty.
5. If You Woke up Breathing, Congratulations! You have another chance!
And Finally.....
6. Be Really Good To Your Family and Friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan!
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the toilet seat by simply peeing in the sink.
4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, you will be too afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, you will forget about the tooth ache.
He almost didn't see the old lady, stranded on the side of the road, but even in the dim light of day, he could see she needed help. So he pulled up in front of her Mercedes and got out.
His Pontiac was still sputtering when he approached her. Even with the smile on his face, she was worried. No one had stopped to help for the last hour or so .. was he going to hurt her? He didn't look safe; he looked poor and hungry.
He could see that she was frightened, standing out there in the cold. He knew how she felt. It was that chill which only fear can put in you. He said, "I'm here to help you, ma'am. Why don't you wait in the car where it's warm? By the way, my name is Bryan Anderson."
Well, all she had was a flat tire, but for an old lady, that was bad enough. Bryan crawled under the car looking for a place to put the jack, skinning his knuckles a time or two. Soon he was able to change the tire. But he had to get dirty and his hands hurt.
As he was tightening up the lug nuts, she rolled down the window and began to talk to him. She told him that she was from St. Louis and was only just passing through. She couldn't thank him enough for coming to her aid. Bryan just smiled as he closed her trunk.
The lady asked how much she owed him. Any amount would have been all right with her. She already imagined all the awful things that could have happened had he not stopped. Bryan never thought twice about being paid. This was not a job to him. This was helping someone in need, and God knows there were plenty who had given him a hand in the past. He had lived his whole life that way, and it never occurred to him to act any other way.
He told her that if she really wanted to pay him back, the next time she saw someone who needed help, she could give that person the assistance they needed, and Bryan added, "And think of me."
He waited until she started her car and drove off. It had been a cold and depressing day, but he felt good as he headed for home, disappearing into the twilight.
A few miles down the road the lady saw a small cafe. She went in to grab a bite to eat, and take the chill off before she made the last leg of her trip home.
It was a dingy looking restaurant. Outside were two old gas pumps. The whole scene was unfamiliar to her. The waitress came over and brought a clean towel to wipe her wet hair. She had a sweet smile, one that even being on her feet for the whole day couldn't erase.
The lady noticed the waitress was nearly eight months pregnant, but she never let the strain and aches change her attitude. The old lady wondered how someone who had so little could be so giving to a stranger. Then she remembered Bryan.
After the lady finished her meal, she paid with a hundred dollar bill. The waitress quickly went to get change for her hundred dollar bill, but the old lady had slipped right out the door. She was gone by the time the waitress came back.
The waitress wondered where the lady could be. Then she noticed something written on the napkin. There were tears in her eyes when she read what the lady wrote: "You don't owe me anything. I have been there too. Somebody once helped me out, the way I'm helping you. If you really want to pay me back, here is what you do: Do not let this chain of love end with you." Under the napkin were four more $100 bills.
Well, there were tables to clear, sugar bowls to fill, and people to serve, but the waitress made it through another day. That night when she got home from work and climbed into bed, she was thinking about the money and what the lady had written. How could the lady have known how much she and her husband needed it? With the baby due next month, it was going to be hard.. She knew how worried her husband was, and as he lay sleeping next to her, she gave him a soft kiss and whispered soft and low, "Everything's gonna be all right. I love you, Bryan Anderson."
There is an old saying "What goes around comes around."
This is pretty neat how it works out.
This is cool chocolate math!!!!!!!
DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute.......
Work this out as you read.
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!
This is not one of those waste of time things,
it's fun.
1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate. (Try for more than once but less than 10)
2. Multiply this number by 2. (Just to be bold)
3. Add 5. (for Sunday)
4. Multiply it by 50. (I'll wait while you get the calculator................)
5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1754.... If you haven't, add 1753 .....
6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.
You should have a three digit number.
The first digit of this was your original number (i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).
The next two numbers are ........
YOUR AGE! ~ ( Oh YES, it IS!!!!! )
THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR IT WILL EVER WORK,
SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS.
CINDERELLA wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2:00 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5:00 a.m. Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"
" I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no prince with that kind of power!
Tell me his name!"
Cinderella replied, I can't remember, exactly, ..Peter, Peter, something or other..."
___________________________________
PINOCCHIO had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
___________________________________
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a sword to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"
To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a 44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No, you're not.
You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book."
____________________________________
MICKEY MOUSE and MINNIE MOUSE were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy."
Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's f**king Goofy."
___________________________________
SNOW WHITE saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying, "Lie to me! Lie to me!"
___________________________________
Did you know...Captain Hook died from jock itch.
___________________________________
One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged to have sex. "What's that?" he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree."
Horrified, she said, " Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread her legs. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"
"Just checking for bees," said Tarzan.
Harvey and Gladys Goldman are getting ready for bed.
Gladys is standing in front of her full-length mirror, taking a long, hard look at herself.
"You know, Harvey," she comments, "I stare into this mirror and I see an ancient creature.
My face is all wrinkled, my boobs sag so much that they dangle to my waist, my arms and legs are as flabby as popped balloons, and...my butt looks like a sad, deflated version of the Hindenburg!"
She turns to face her husband and says, "Dear, please tell me just one positive thing about my body so I can feel better about myself."
Harvey studies Gladys critically for a moment and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice,
"Well...there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
Services for Harvey Goldman will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 at Beth Israel Synagogue. Female friends of the family are invited.
I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam.
His new nurse, Elaine, took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed and have a seat
until the doctor could see me.
She said that he would only be a few minutes.
After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down.
While waiting I observed that there were three items
on a stand next to the exam table:
a Tube of K-Y jelly;
a rubber glove;
and a beer.
When the doctor finally came in I said,
"Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the
K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"
At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.
He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse.......
"Darn it, ELAINE..........
I said a 'BUTT LIGHT'!!!!!"
Candy cigarettes
Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside
Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes
Blackjack, Clove and Teaberry chewing gum
Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
Newsreels before the movie
P.F. Fliers
Telephone numbers with a word prefix....(Raymond 4-601).
Party lines
Peashooters
Howdy Dowdy
45 RPM records
Green Stamps
Hi-Fi's
Metal ice cube trays with levers
Mimeograph paper
Beanie and Cecil
Roller-skate keys
Cork pop guns
Drive ins
Studebakers
Washtub wringers
The Fuller Brush Man
Reel-To-Reel tape recorders
Tinkertoys
Erector Sets
The Fort Apache Play Set
Lincoln Logs
15 cent McDonald hamburgers
5 cent packs of baseball cards -
with that awful pink slab of bubble gum
Penny candy
35 cent a gallon gasoline
Jiffy Pop popcorn
Do you remember a time when...
Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-moe"?
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "Do Over!"?
"Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest?
Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening?
It wasn't odd to have two or three "Best Friends"?
The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was "cooties"?
Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot?
A foot of snow was a dream come true?
Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute commercials for action figures?
"Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense?
Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause for giggles?
The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team?
War was a card game?
Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle?
Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin?
Water balloons were the ultimate weapon?
If you can remember most or all of these, then you have lived!!!!!!!
IF YOU'RE TOO YOUNG
TO REMEMBER THESE THINGS,
YOU HAVE MY SYMPATHIES.....
YOU MISSED OUT ON
A GREAT TIME IN HISTORY!
There was a chill in the air.
A man came walking up to the house when he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa what are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below your waist?" he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said,
"Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on,
and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea."
When things in your life seem almost too much to
handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar...and the 2 cups of coffee...
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured
it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes."
The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "
I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.
The golf balls are the important things: family, your children, your health, your friends,and your favorite passions...things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your lifewould still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your
job, your house, and your car.
The sand is everything else-the small stuff.
"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will
never have room for the things that are important to you.
Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal."
Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."
An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000".
The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"
The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square." The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?" "Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square." "Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness." "No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square. The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before.
Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige. The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure." The elderly woman did so with a little smile.
Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"
by Malcolm Forbes
A lady in a faded gingham dress and her husband, dressed in a homespun threadbare suit, stepped off the train in Boston, and walked timidly without an appointment into the Harvard University President's outer office.
The secretary could tell in a moment that such backwoods, country hicks had no business at Harvard and probably didn't even deserve to be in Cambridge.
"We want to see the president," the man said softly.
"He'll be busy all day," the secretary snapped.
"We'll wait," the lady replied.
For hours the secretary ignored them, hoping that the couple would finally become discouraged and go away. They didn't and the secretary grew frustrated and finally decided to disturb the president, even though it was a chore she always regretted.
"Maybe if you see them for a few minutes, they'll leave," she said to him.
He sighed in exasperation and nodded. Someone of his importance obviously didn't have the time to spend with them, but he detested gingham dresses and homespun suits cluttering up his outer office.
The president, stern faced and with dignity, strutted toward the couple.
The lady told him, "We had a son who attended Harvard for one year. He loved Harvard. He was happy here. But about a year ago, he was accidentally killed. My husband and I would like to erect a memorial to him, somewhere on campus."
The president wasn't touched.... He was shocked.
"Madam," he said, gruffly, "we can't put up a statue for every person who attended Harvard and died. If we did, this place would look like a cemetery."
"Oh, no," the lady explained quickly. "We don't want to erect a statue. We thought we would like to give a building to Harvard."
The president rolled his eyes. He glanced at the gingham dress and homespun suit, then exclaimed, "A building! Do you have any earthly idea how much a building costs? We have over seven and a half million dollars in the physical buildings here at Harvard."
For a moment the lady was silent. The president was pleased. Maybe he could get rid of them now.
The lady turned to her husband and said quietly, "Is that all it costs to start a university? Why don't we just start our own?"
Her husband nodded.
The president's face wilted in confusion and bewilderment.
Mr. and Mrs. Leland Stanford got up and walked away, traveling to Palo Alto, California where they established the university that bears their name, Stanford University, a memorial to a son that Harvard no longer cared about.
You can easily judge the character of others by how they treat those who they think can do nothing for them.
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?" The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.
The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls.
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires.
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
Again, the seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water.
When she was cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her,
"Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson.
"Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the seamstress.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with Tom Cruise. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes' you would have given me all three.
Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to Mel Gibson.
The moral of this story is: "Whenever a woman lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others."
That's our story, and we're sticking to it.
Maybe this will boggle your mind, I know it did mine!
The year is 1904 ... one hundred years ago.
What a difference a century makes!
Here are some of the US statistics for 1904:
The average life expectancy in the US was 47 years.
Only 14% of the homes in the US had a bathtub.
Only 8%of the homes had a telephone.
A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost $11.00
There were only 8,000 cars in the US, and only 144 miles of paved roads.
The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents, California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union.
The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.
The average wage in the US was 22 cents an hour.
The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year.
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year.
A veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year.
A mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
More than 95 percent of all births in the US took place at home.
Ninety % of all US physicians had no college education. Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard."
Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.
Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.
Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the country for any reason.
The five leading causes of death in the US were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke
The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.
The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was 30!
Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented.
There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
Two of 10 US adults couldn't read or write. Only 6 % of all Americans had graduated high school.
Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health." (Shocking!)
Eighteen percent of households in the US had at least one full-time servant or domestic.
There were only about 230 reported murders in the entire US.
Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years ... it staggers the mind.
She had thought she was being cautious by setting the cruise
control and maintaining a safe consistent speed in the rain.
But the highway patrolman told her that if the cruise control is
on and your car begins to hydroplane- when your tires loose contact with the pavement your car will accelerate to a higher rate of speed and you take off like an airplane.
She told the patrolman that was exactly what had occurred.
We all know you have little or no control over a car when it begins to hydroplane.
You are at the mercy of the Good Lord.
The highway patrol estimated her car was actually traveling
through the air at 10 to 15 miles per hour faster than the speed set on the cruise control.
The patrolman said this warning should be listed, on the drivers seat sun-visor - NEVER USE THE CRUISE CONTROL WHEN THE PAVEMENT IS WET OR ICY, along with the airbag warning.
We tell our teenagers to set the cruise control and drive a safe
speed-but we don't tell them to use the control only when the pavement is dry.
The only person the accident victim found, who knew this (besides the patrolman), was a man who had had a similar accident, totaled his car and sustained severe injuries.
If you send this to 15 people and only one of them doesn't know about this, then it was all worth it.
You might have saved a life.
