Sunday, August 31, 2008

Joe's Story

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your
headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could
make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought to himself, "That's what I need - some new clothes!"

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...
size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"

Joe was on a roll and said "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see..9-1/2 E."

Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said,
"Let's see...size 38."

Joe laughed. "Ah ha! I've got you there! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head and said,

"You can't wear a size 34.

A size 34 underwear would press your testicles

up against the base of your spine

and give you one hell of a headache!"


ALWAYS get a second opinion.....

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Sex - Church - Pancakes

1. Sex:

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"

2. Church

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand.

He said "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!"

The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity."

The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!"

The preacher said, "No shit?"

3. Pancakes

Brenda and Steve took their six- year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem"

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"

"Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."

Friday, August 29, 2008

It's All In the Title

A woman renewing her driver's license at the County Clerk's office was asked by the woman recorder to state her occupation. Emily had hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself.
"What I mean is," explained the recorder, "do you have a job, or are you just a .....?"
"Of course I have a job," snapped Emily. "I'm a mother."
"We don't list 'mother' as an occupation...'housewife' covers it," said
the recorder emphatically.
I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same situation,
this time at our own Town Hall.
The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient, and possessed of a high -
sounding title like "Official Interrogator" or "Town Registrar."

"What is your occupation?" she probed.
What made me say it, I do not know.
The words simply popped out.
"I'm a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations."
The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in midair, and looked up as though she had not heard right. I repeated the title slowly, emphasizing the most significant words. Then I stared with wonder as my
pronouncement was written in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire.

"Might I ask," said the clerk with new interest, "just what you do in your field?"

Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply, "I have a continuing program of research (what mother doesn't) in the laboratory and in the field (normally I would have said indoors and out). I'm working for my Masters (the whole darned family) and already have four
credits (all daughters). Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities (any mother care to disagree?) and I often work 14 hours a day (24 is more like it). But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are more of a satisfaction rather than just money."
There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me to the door.
As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was greeted by my lab assistants - ages 13, 7, and 3.
Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model (6 months) in the child-development program, testing out a new vocal pattern.

I felt triumphant! I had scored a beat on
bureaucracy! And I had gone on the official records as someone more distinguished and
indispensable to mankind than "just another mother."
Motherhood...what a glorious career.

Especially when there's a title on the door.

Does this make grandmothers "Senior Research Associates in the Field of Child Development and Human Relations", and great - grandmothers "Executive Senior Research Associates"?

I think so!
I also think it makes aunts "Associate Research Assistants!"

Thursday, August 28, 2008

A Little Word Play

Lovers of the English language might enjoy this.....

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP."

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special. And this UP is confusing:

A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions .

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets UP the earth.

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP,
for now my time is UP, so.............

Time to shut UP.....! more thing:
What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night? -------


Wednesday, August 27, 2008

The Deaf Bookkeeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks. This bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational benefit he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that as a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything he'd ever have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million dollar is hidden.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what! you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzio's backyard in Brooklyn!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger.

Don't you just love lawyers ?!!

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

For the Love of Poetry

Two construction workers were having lunch together.

Tyrone, a black man, complains to his buddy that his wife never wants sex any more.

Bob, a white man, tells him he just got some good stuff from his wife last night.

Tyrone asks, "What did you do to get your old lady to put out?"

Bob says, "Poetry, women love poetry."

Tyrone then asks, "Poetry? What did you say to her that got her hot and bothered?"

Bob says, "Here's the poem that got me in her pants last night:"

White woman, white woman
Pretty as a dove
Let's retire to bed
And make some sweet love."

Tyrone says, "Ok if that's all there is to it, I'll give it a try

The next day Tyrone shows up with a huge black eye like he'd been in a fight.

Bob asks, "Tyrone, what the hell happened to your eye?"

Tyrone says, "Guess my old lady is not so fond of poetry, I tried a
poem like yours and she decked me but good."

Bob says, "She smacked you over a poem! Tell me what you said."

Tyrone says:

"Black bitch, Black bitch
Bug-eyed like a frog
Get down on your knees
And I'll bone you like a dog."

Bob sighs, "I think you should try Hallmark."

Monday, August 25, 2008

Building the Ark, 2008

In the year 2008, The Lord came unto Noah, who was now
living in the United States, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have six months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights".

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah
weeping in his yard ..... but no ark.

"Noah", He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.

"My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Planning and Zoning Board for a decision.

"Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond
be posted for the future costs of moving power, overpasses and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I argued that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. But no go!

"When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

"Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Civil Rights
Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire
for my building crew.

"Also, the trades unions say I can't use my sons. They
insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark building experience.

"To make matters worse, the Customs and Immigration
Agency seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean, Lord,
you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "I no longer have to.....the Government has beat me to it."

Sunday, August 24, 2008


Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden.....POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life...... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!!!

Then POOF! ......she was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Fred, where are you?"

Fred yells back "I'm over here in the pussy willows."

Dave shouts back, "DON'T SWING, Fred;


Saturday, August 23, 2008

A Mother's Journey

The young mother set her foot on the path of life. "Is this the long way?" she asked. And the guide said "Yes, and the way is hard. You will be old before you reach the end of it, however, the end will be better than the beginning"

But, the young mother was happy, and she wouldn't believe that anything could be better than these years. So she played with her children, she fed them, bathed them, taught them how to tie their shoes, ride a bike, reminded them to feed the dog, do their homework and brush their teeth.

The sun shone on them, and the young Mother cried, "Nothing will ever be lovelier than this."

Then the nights came, and the storms, and the path was sometimes dark, and the children shook with fear and cold, the mother drew them close and covered them with her arms, the children said, "Mother, we are not afraid, for you are near, and no harm can come to us."

The morning came, and there was a hill ahead, the children climbed and grew weary, the mother also grew weary. But at all times she said to the children, "A little patience and we will be there."

So the children climbed, and as they climbed they learned to weather the storms. With this, she gave them strength to face the world.

Year after year, she showed them compassion, understanding, and hope, but, most of all she gave them unconditional love. When they reached the top they said, "Mother, we wouldn't have done it without you."

The days went on, the weeks, the months and the years, the mother grew old and she became little and bent. But, her children were tall and strong; and walked with courage.

The mother, when she lay down at night, looked up at the stars and said, "This is a better day than the last, for my children have learned so much and are now passing these traits on to their children."

When the way became rough for her, they lifted her, and gave her their strength, just as she had given them hers.

One day they came to a hill, beyond the hill they could see a shining road with golden gates flung wide. And the mother said: "I have reached the end of my journey and now I know the end is truly better than the beginning. My children and grandchildren can walk with dignity and pride, with their heads held high."

The children said, " You will always walk with us, Mother, even when you have gone through the gates."

They stood and watched her as she went on alone, and the gates closed after her. They said: "We cannot see her, but she is with us still. A mother like ours is more than a memory. She is a living presence."

Your Mother IS always with you.
She is the whisper of the leaves as you walk down the street.
She is the smell of the cooking of certain foods you remember.
She is the flowers you pick.
She is the scent of that special perfume she wore.
She is the cool hand on your brow when you're not feeling well.
She is your breath in the air on a cold winter's day.
She is the sound of the rain that lulls you to sleep.
She is the colors of a rainbow.
She is Christmas morning.

Your Mother lives inside your laughter, and she is crystallized in every tear drop.

A mother has known every emotion: happiness, sadness, fear, jealousy, love, hate, anger, helplessness, excitement, joy, sorrow, and all the while, hoping and praying YOU will only know the good feelings in life.

She's the place you came from, your first home, she's the map you follow with every step you take.

She is the one you run to when you are scared, and her arms are always open to hold you and console you.

She's your first love, your first friend, even your first enemy, but nothing on earth can separate you.

Not time, not space, not even death!

Friday, August 22, 2008

Ahhh, Yes..... The Golden Years

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last years of his life in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.

"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My private part died today, and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes acted a little crazy, she replied, "Oh! I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein. Please accept my condolences."

The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his private part hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.

"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your private part back inside your pajamas."

"But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that my private part died."

"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?" asked Nurse Tracy.

"Well," he replied, "Today's the viewing!"

Thursday, August 21, 2008

French Art Thief

Did you hear about the guy in Paris who almost got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre?

After planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:

"Monsieur, I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

And you thought I lacked De Gaulle to send you a story like that.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Yes, The Puns are Intended

1. Two vultures board a plane, each carrying two dead raccoons.
The Stewardess stops them and says, "Sorry sir, only one carrion per

2. NASA recently sent a number of Holsteins into orbit for experimental
purposes. They called it the herd shot round the world.

3. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One took off to Hollywood
and became a rich star. The other stayed in Carolina and never amounted to much--and naturally became known as the lesser of two weevils.

4. Two Eskimos in a kayak were chilly, so they started a fire, which sank
the craft, proving the old adage, "You can't have your kayak and heat it

5. A 3-legged dog walks into an old west saloon, slides up to the bar and
announces, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who went to the dentist and refused to
take Novocain? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and met in the lobby
where they were discussing their recent victories in chess tournaments.
The hotel manager came out of the office after an hour, and asked them to
disperse. He couldn't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

8. A women has twins, gives them up for adoption. One goes to an Egyptian
family and is named "Ahmal." The other is sent to a Spanish family and is
named "Juan." Years later, Juan sends his birth mother a picture of
himself. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband she wishes she
also had a picture of Ahmal. He replies, "They're identical twins for Pete
sake!! If you've seen Juan, you've see Ahmal!!"

9. A group of friars opened a florist shop to help with their belfry
payments. Everyone liked to buy flowers from the Men of God, so their
business flourished. A rival florist became upset that his business was
suffering because people felt compelled to buy from the Friars, so he
asked the Friars to cut back hours or close down.

The Friars refused. The florist went to them and begged that they shut
down. Again they refused. So the florist then hired Hugh McTaggert, the
biggest meanest thug in town. He went to the Friars' shop, destroyed their
flowers, trashed their shop, and said that if they didn't close, he'd be
back. Well, totally terrified, the Friars closed up shop and hid in their
rooms. This proved that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

10. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot his whole life, which
created an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little, which made him frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from very
bad breath. This made him ....what?
(This is so bad; it's good...)
A super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

11. And finally... there was a person who sent 10 puns to some friends in
hopes that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
Unfortunately no pun in ten did!!

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Senior Love

There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.

One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another.

As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered. "Yes, yes, I will."

The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective trailers.

Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.

First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"

He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart."

Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

Monday, August 18, 2008

Jim and Edna

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

Things Mom Would Never Say

1. "How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"
2. "Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too"
3. "Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cheery"
4. "Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week"
5. "Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day"
6. "Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me."
7. "The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."
8. "I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve"
9. "Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve"

EDITORS NOTE: I had a real chuckle over this one, especially since when I read the list to my 22 year old daughter, she agreed that I would say almost all of these, except maybe #5 (I don't really like dogs).

Now it would be different if it were a stray cat.