Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Men are like....

For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: Now days, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

1. Men are like .. Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like. Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like . Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like . Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like . Chocolate Bars . Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like . Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like .... .Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like .... Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn . They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms . You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like .......Lava Lamps .. Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots . All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006


This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"

This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.

It's a woman's way of saying *!#@ YOU!

Saturday, October 14, 2006

Cat Poop Cookies

Do you want chocolate or gingerbread flavored poop?

1/2 c Honey
2/3 c (1 and 1/3 stick) butter or margarine,
1 Egg
1 tsp Vanilla or peppermint -extract
2 c Whole wheat flour
1/3 c Cocoa powder
Grape-nuts(tm) cereal

1/4 c Honey
1/4 c Molasses
2/3 Cup(1 and 1/3 stick) butter or margarine,
1 Egg
2 And 1/3 cups whole wheat flour
Spices-ginger, cinnamon, cloves to taste(maybe 1/2 tsp each)
Grape-nuts(tm) cereal

-MIX-INS (optional):
Chocolate chips
Butterscotch chips
Peanut butter chips
ramen noodles(roundworms)
Corn Peanuts M&Ms

There are two flavors-chocolate(dark brown), and gingerbread(light brown).

I seldom measure carefully so amounts may need adjustment, especially on flavoring. The cookies are dense and not very sweet, this is necesssary so that they will keep their shape during baking. If you use white flour or sugar they may be tastier but they won't look like poop.

To make:

Microwave the honey till it bubbles(about 1 minute). Add the butter,(I've been told using lard makes for a more realistic texture and softer cookie)and the molasses, if any. Add the egg, mix well, then mix in all the other stuff. Add mix-ins of your choice to some or all of the batter.

Chill 1 hour in the freezer or several hours in the fridge. Roll dough logs of random length and the diameter of cat poops. Roll logs in grape-nuts and bake at 350 degrees till done(maybe 10 to 15 minutes but with my flaky oven you never know). Note: someone with a reliable oven says it'scloser to 20 minutes for him.(thanks paul!)

Serve in a disposable cat litter box on a bed of grapenuts, with a cat litter scoop. I hear you get lovely effects by decorating the box and scoop with melted chocolate or pudding. I imagine brown sugar might work as a substitute for the new clumping litters, but I haven't tried it. I've been told that mixing brown sugar with the grapenuts "sweetens up the cookie a bit while still looking truly hideous."

Kitty Litter Cake

1 Spice or German Chocolate Cake Mix
1 White Cake Mix
1 Pkg White Sandwich Cookies
1 large pkg Vanilla Instant Pudding Mix
Green food coloring
12 small Tootsie Rolls
1 *new* kitty litter box
1 *new* kitty litter box plastic liner
1 *new* pooper scooper

Preparation Instructions:

Prepare cake mixes and bake according to directions (any size pans). Prepare pudding mix and chill until ready to assemble. Crumble white sandwich cookies in small batches in blender, they tend to stick, so scrape often. Set aside all but about 1/4 cup.

To the 1/4 cup cookie crumbs, add a few drops green food coloring and mix using a fork or shake in a jar.

When cakes are cooled to room temperature, crumble into a large bowl. Toss with half the remaining white cookie crumbs and the chilled pudding. You probably won't need all of the pudding, mix with the cake and "feel" it, you don't want it soggy, just moist; gently combine.

Line new, clean kitty litter box. Put mixture into litter box. Put three unwrapped Tootsie rolls in a microwave safe dish and heat until soft and pliable. Shape ends so they are no longer blunt, curving slightly. Repeat with 3 more Tootsie rolls and bury in mixture.

Sprinkle the other half of cookie crumbs over top. Scatter the green cookie crumbs lightly over the top, this is supposed to look like the chlorophyll in kitty litter.

Heat remaining Tootsie Rolls, 3 at a time in the microwave until almost melted. Scrape them on top of the cake and sprinkle with cookie crumbs. This is my addition--only: spread 5 of the remaining Tootsie Rolls over the top; take one and heat until pliable, hang it over the side of the kitty litter box; sprinkling it lightly with cookie crumbs.

Serve with a *new* pooper scooper.