If College Students Wrote the Bible

• Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning - cold.


• The Ten Commandments are actually only five, double-spaced, and written in a large font.


• New edition every two years in order to limit reselling.


• Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food.


• Paul's letter to the Romans becomes Paul's e-mail to abuse@romans.gov.


• Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.


• The place where the end of the world occurs: Finals, not Armageddon.


• Out go the mules, in come the mountain bikes.


• Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: They didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen.


• Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.

Classic things to say when stressed

1. "Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you!!!"


2. "You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing?!"


3. "How many times do I have to flush before you go away?"


4. "Well this day was a total waste of make-up"


5. "Well aren't we a bloody ray of sunshine?"


6. "Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after."


7. "Do I look like a fucking people person!"


8. "This isn't an office. It's HELL with fluorescent lighting"


9. "I started out with nothing still have most of it left"


10. "I pretend to work, they pretend to pay me"


11. "YOU!!... off my planet!!!"


12. "Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble plastic is cheap. You choose"


13. "Practice random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control"


14. "Errors have been made. Others will be blamed"


15. "And your cry-baby, whiny-assed opinion would be.....?"


16. "I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years."


17. "Sarcasm is just one more service I offer."


18. "Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed"


19. "Do they ever shut up on your planet?"


20. "I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable"


21. "Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't gone to sleep yet"


22. "Back off!! You're standing in my aura."


23. "Don't worry. I forgot your name too."


24. "I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?"


25. "I work 45 hours a week to be this poor."


26. "Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it."


27. "Not all men are annoying. Some are dead."


28. "Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality"


29. "Chaos, panic and disorder . . . my work here is done."


30. "Ambivalent? Well yes and no."


31. "You look like shit. Is that the style now?"


32. "Earth is full. Go home."


33. "Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?"


34. "I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert."


35. "A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth."


36. "You are depriving some village of an idiot."


37. "If as sholes could fly, this place would be an airport."

Signs You've Grown Up

1. Your potted plants are alive... and you can't smoke any of them.


2. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.


3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.


4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.


5. You hear your favourite song in an elevator.


6. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.


7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.


8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.


9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up.'


10. You're the one calling the police because those bloody kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.


11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.


12. You don't know what time McDonald's closes anymore.


13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.


14. You feed your dog Mydog instead of McDonald's.


15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.


16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.


17. Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.


18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 a.m. would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.


19. You go to the chemist for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.


20. A $7.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff.'


21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.


22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."


23. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.


24. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.


25. You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn't apply to you.

Drinks as personality pointers

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks (and how you approach them if you're interested in them). Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

Girl Drinks

Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. She'll send YOU a drink.

Drink: Wine - (does not include white zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Your Approach: Tell her you wish Reagan had had four more years... Alzheimer's and term limits be damned.

Drink: White Zin
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...

Drink: Shots
Personality: Hanging with frat-boy pals or looking to get drunk... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. Nothing to do but wait.


Guy Drinks

Then there is the male addendum .... The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut.

Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn't give two shits about anything but getting laid.

Tequila: Piss off, all you wankers, I'm gonna go shag something.

White Zin: He's gay.

HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY

It's not difficult to make a woman happy.

A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes


--------------------------------------

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring food

Men are like....

For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: Now days, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

1. Men are like .. Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like. Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like . Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like . Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like . Chocolate Bars . Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like . Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like .... .Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like .... Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn . They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms . You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like .......Lava Lamps .. Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots . All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

WORDS WOMEN USE

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"

GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.

WHATEVER
It's a woman's way of saying *!#@ YOU!

Cat Poop Cookies

Do you want chocolate or gingerbread flavored poop?

-CHOCOLATE INGREDIENTS:
1/2 c Honey
2/3 c (1 and 1/3 stick) butter or margarine,
1 Egg
1 tsp Vanilla or peppermint -extract
2 c Whole wheat flour
1/3 c Cocoa powder
Grape-nuts(tm) cereal

-GINGERBREAD INGREDIENTS:
1/4 c Honey
1/4 c Molasses
2/3 Cup(1 and 1/3 stick) butter or margarine,
1 Egg
2 And 1/3 cups whole wheat flour
Spices-ginger, cinnamon, cloves to taste(maybe 1/2 tsp each)
Grape-nuts(tm) cereal

-MIX-INS (optional):
Coconut(tapeworms)
Chocolate chips
Butterscotch chips
Peanut butter chips
ramen noodles(roundworms)
Corn Peanuts M&Ms

There are two flavors-chocolate(dark brown), and gingerbread(light brown).

I seldom measure carefully so amounts may need adjustment, especially on flavoring. The cookies are dense and not very sweet, this is necesssary so that they will keep their shape during baking. If you use white flour or sugar they may be tastier but they won't look like poop.

To make:

Microwave the honey till it bubbles(about 1 minute). Add the butter,(I've been told using lard makes for a more realistic texture and softer cookie)and the molasses, if any. Add the egg, mix well, then mix in all the other stuff. Add mix-ins of your choice to some or all of the batter.

Chill 1 hour in the freezer or several hours in the fridge. Roll dough logs of random length and the diameter of cat poops. Roll logs in grape-nuts and bake at 350 degrees till done(maybe 10 to 15 minutes but with my flaky oven you never know). Note: someone with a reliable oven says it'scloser to 20 minutes for him.(thanks paul!)

Serve in a disposable cat litter box on a bed of grapenuts, with a cat litter scoop. I hear you get lovely effects by decorating the box and scoop with melted chocolate or pudding. I imagine brown sugar might work as a substitute for the new clumping litters, but I haven't tried it. I've been told that mixing brown sugar with the grapenuts "sweetens up the cookie a bit while still looking truly hideous."

Kitty Litter Cake

Ingredients:
1 Spice or German Chocolate Cake Mix
1 White Cake Mix
1 Pkg White Sandwich Cookies
1 large pkg Vanilla Instant Pudding Mix
Green food coloring
12 small Tootsie Rolls
1 *new* kitty litter box
1 *new* kitty litter box plastic liner
1 *new* pooper scooper

Preparation Instructions:

Prepare cake mixes and bake according to directions (any size pans). Prepare pudding mix and chill until ready to assemble. Crumble white sandwich cookies in small batches in blender, they tend to stick, so scrape often. Set aside all but about 1/4 cup.

To the 1/4 cup cookie crumbs, add a few drops green food coloring and mix using a fork or shake in a jar.

When cakes are cooled to room temperature, crumble into a large bowl. Toss with half the remaining white cookie crumbs and the chilled pudding. You probably won't need all of the pudding, mix with the cake and "feel" it, you don't want it soggy, just moist; gently combine.

Line new, clean kitty litter box. Put mixture into litter box. Put three unwrapped Tootsie rolls in a microwave safe dish and heat until soft and pliable. Shape ends so they are no longer blunt, curving slightly. Repeat with 3 more Tootsie rolls and bury in mixture.

Sprinkle the other half of cookie crumbs over top. Scatter the green cookie crumbs lightly over the top, this is supposed to look like the chlorophyll in kitty litter.

Heat remaining Tootsie Rolls, 3 at a time in the microwave until almost melted. Scrape them on top of the cake and sprinkle with cookie crumbs. This is my addition--only: spread 5 of the remaining Tootsie Rolls over the top; take one and heat until pliable, hang it over the side of the kitty litter box; sprinkling it lightly with cookie crumbs.

Serve with a *new* pooper scooper.

Best Comeback Line Ever

In summary, the police arrested Ward Branham, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Lethbridge, Alberta, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday. Ward will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior,
public indecency, and public intoxication at the Calgary courthouse on Monday.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop.

"You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around there for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview. Ward went on to say that he pulled over to the side
of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need."

"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Ward apparently failed to notice a police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer
Brin Taylor approached him.

"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor.
"I walked up to (Ward) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin. "
Taylor went on to describe what happened when SHE approached Ward. "I just went up and said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?" He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was
there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, ...

"A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already??

DEAR HUSBAND

DEAR HUSBAND !

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.
I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show
for it. These last two weeks have been terrible. Your boss called to
tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and
nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new
negligee.
You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after
watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't
touch me or anything.
Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, what ever the case
is, I'm gone.
PS: If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving
away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! Your Ex-wife
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
.....The saga continues.....

Dear Ex-wife
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that
you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a
far cry from what you've been.
I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too
bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair
last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a
man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything
nice.
When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with
MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to
sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was
still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just
borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was
$49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.
So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, Iquit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason I guess! I hope you have the filling
life you always wanted.
My lawyer said with the letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from
me. So take care.
PS: I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born
Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

The New Bride's Cookbook

MONDAY: It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel
food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately.
The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some
extra bowls.

TUESDAY: Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe
said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a
surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper.

WEDNESDAY: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash
thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of
silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved
the rice any.

THURSDAY: Today Tom asked for salad again. I tried a
new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed
of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me
why I was rolling around in the garden.

FRIDAY: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said
put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must
have been something wrong with this recipe. When I
got back, everything was the same as when I left.

SATURDAY: Tom did the shopping today and brought home
a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh
boy). For some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.

SUNDAY: Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve
roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a
flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and
set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger,
much to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY: This has been a very exciting
week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out
a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a
bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with
chocolate moose.

Passing of an old friend

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Mr. Common
Sense. Mr Sense had been with us for many years. No one knows for
sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red
tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such value lessons as
knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the
worm and that life isn't always fair. Common Sense lived by simple, sound
financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting
strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge).

His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place. - Reports of a six-year-old
boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended
from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for
reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Mr. Sense declined even further when schools were required to get
parental consent to administer aspirin to a student; but, could not inform
the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to
realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, she spilled a bit in her
lap, and was awarded a huge financial settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and
Trust, his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son,
Reason. He is survived by two stepbrothers; My Rights and I'm a Whiner.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

Pass this on; if not, join the majority and do
nothing.

Watch

Watch your THOUGHTS...they become WORDS.

Watch your WORDS...they become ACTIONS.

Watch your ACTIONS...they become HABITS.

Watch your HABITS...they become CHARACTER.

Watch your CHARACTER, for it becomes your DESTINY.

Revised version of the Three Little Bears

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he
looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my
porridge?!!," he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks
into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my
Porridge?!!," he roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and
yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this?

"It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke everyone
in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was Momma Bear who
unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was
Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the
newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the table, it was Momma Bear who put
the cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food
dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-butts
downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence,
listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time...

"I HAVEN'T MADE THE PORRIDGE YET!!"

Open letter to my pets

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's behind. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less.
2. Don't ask for money all the time.
3. Are easier to train.
4. Usually come when called.
5. Never drive your car.
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends.
7. Don't smoke or drink.
8. Don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions.
9. Don't wear your clothes.
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college.
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

We Must Stop This Immediately!

Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther Away. Yesterday I walked to the corner, and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!

And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?

I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.

I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this
morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own refection.........Well, REALLY NOW- even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them.. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.

Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and bosom?

The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?

I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but
the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in here!

All I can do is pass along this warning: We are under attack! Unless
something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.

PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!

PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has caused my computer's fonts to be smaller than they once were too!

If there's anything I can't stand, its intolerance.

Good Housekeeping Tip

Always keep several get well cards on the mantel......

so if unexpected guests arrive, they will think
you've been ill and unable to clean.

The tailgating woman

An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy
boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did
the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have
beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration
as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up
into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to
exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the
door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.


"I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.

"Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

Priceless

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks
didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got
home from the party.

As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of
aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a
single red rose!

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly
clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he
sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he
notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with
little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick!

"Honey,

Breakfast is on the stove.

I left early to go get groceries to make
you your favorite dinner tonight.

I love you, darling!

Love,
Jillian

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so
clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,

"Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"

Broken Coffee Table - $139.00

Hot Breakfast - $4.20

Two Aspirins - 38¢

Saying the right thing, at the right time - Priceless

The Most Functional English Word

Well, it's shit...

that's right, shit!

Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.

Consider:

You can get shit-faced, be shit out of luck, or have shit for brains.

With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit, Or be asked to shit or get off the pot.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit.

Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between Shit and Shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits,

There is bull shit, horse shit and chicken shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shits creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!

You could pass this along, if you give a shit. Or not do so, If you don't give a shit!

Well Shit, it's time for me to go.

Just wanted you to know that I do Give A Shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit.

But if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit head.......

Well, shit happens!

Smart Ass Answers

Smart Ass Answer #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat....she said,
"Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."


Smart Ass Answer #4:


A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."


Smart Ass Answer #3:


The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled
down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.


Smart Ass Answer #2:

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands
on his hips and says, "Got stuck,huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
gas."


AND NOW........FOR.............THE.......... #1 SMART ASS ANSWER

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness,
or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!"
A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says,
"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand!!!"

Yelling Across the River

Ole lived across the river from Clarence--and they didn't like
each other at all. They were yelling all the time across the
river at each other.

Ole would yell to Clarence, "If I had a vay to cross dis river,
I'd come over dere an beat you up good, yeah sure ya betcha by golly!"

This went on for years. Finally the state built a bridge across
the river right there by their houses.

Ole's wife, Lena, said, "Now is your chance, Ole, why don't you go over dere & beat up dat Clarence like you said you vould?

Ole said, "OK, by yimmy I tink I vill do yust dat." Ole started
for the bridge but he saw a sign on the bridge & he stopped to read it, then he turned around & went back home.

Lena asked, "Vhy did you come back?"

Ole said, "Lena, I tink I change my mind 'bout beatin' up dat
Clarence, you know, dey put up a sign on da bridge dat says,
"Clarence is 13 ft. 6 in."

"You know, he don't look dat big vhen I yell at him from across da river."

Home Remedies That Really Work

1. A mousetrap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.

2. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives ... you will be too afraid to cough.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

5. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! - the blockage will be almost instantly removed.

6. Are you clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

7. Have a bad toothache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the toothache.


And remember that the only two things you truly need in life are WD-40 and duct tape ...


... If it doesn't move, and it should, use the WD-40.


... If it moves, and it shouldn't, use the duct tape.

IN THE BEGINNING

In the beginning, god created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs.

Thought for the day.....
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

GETTING FATTER

" We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads."

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.....

MORALS

Kinda brings a tear to your eye.....

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way. My friends encouraged me and my girlfriend, she was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed. That one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was a vivacious twenty years of age and drop-dead gorgeous.

One day, little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived.

She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't and didn't really want to overcome! She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I
got married and committed my life to her sister.

I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it, just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door.

I opened the door, stepped out of the house and walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing just outside.

With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"

The moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in the car!

Setting The Church Gossip Straight

Mildred, the never married church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church morals, kept sticking her nose into other peoples' business.

Several members did not approve of her etxra-curricular activities but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Late that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house........................and left it there all night!

RANDOM THOUGHTS

1- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2- Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3- Half the people you know are below average.

4- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5- 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feels so good.

7- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8- If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

9- All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.

10- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

12- OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to avoid work.

18- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

19- I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.

20- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33- Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

KNOW YOUR STATE MOTTO

Alabama
Hell Yes, We Have Electricity.

Alaska
11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona
But It's A Dry Heat.

Arkansas
Literacy Ain't Everything.

California
By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.

Colorado
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.

Connecticut
Like Massachusetts,
Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet.

Delaware
We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.

Florida
Ask Us About Our Grandkids And Our Voting Skills.

Georgia
We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.

Hawaii
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money)

Idaho
More Than Just Potatoes...
Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois
Please, Don't Pronounce the "S".

Indiana
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa
We Do Amazing Things With Corn.

K ansas
First Of The Rectangle States.

Kentucky
Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names.

Louisiana
We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos,
But That's Our Tourism Campaign.

Maine
We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster.

Maryland
If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It.

Massachusetts
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's And Our Senators Are More Corrupt!

Michigan
First Line Of Defense From The Canadians.

Minnesota
10,000 Lakes...And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes.

Mississippi
Come And Feel Better About Your Own State.

Missouri
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work.

Montana
Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Honest Elections!

Nebraska
Ask About Our State Motto Contest.

Nevada
Hookers and Poker!

New Hampshire
Go Away And Leave Us Alone.

New Jersey
You Want A ##$%##! Motto?
I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right here!

New Mexico
Lizards Make Excellent Pets.

New York
You Have The Right To Remain Silent,
You Have The Right To An Attorney...... And No Right To Self Defense!

North Carolina
Tobacco Is A Vegetable.

North Dakota
We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio
At Least We're Not Michigan.

Oklahoma
Like The Play, But No Singing.

Oregon
Spotted Owl...It's What's For Dinner.

Pennsylvania
Cook With Coal.

Rhode Island
We're Not REALLY An Island.

South Carolina
Remember The Civil War?
Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender Yet.

South Dakota
Closer Than North Dakota.

Tennessee
Home of the Al GoreInventionMuseum.

Texas
Se Hablo Ingles.

Utah
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus.

Vermont
Ay, Yep.

Virginia
Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington
Our Governor can out-fraud your Governor!

West Virginia
One Big Happy Family...Really!

Wisconsin
Come Cut Cheese!

Wyoming
Where Men Are Men...

The District of Columbia
The Work-Free Drug Place!

Great Quotes by Great Ladies

Inside every older lady is a younger lady -- wondering what the hell happened?
-Cora Harvey Armstrong-

Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut her up with cookies.

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
-Helen Hayes (at 73)-

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.
-Janette Barber-

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.
-Lily Tomlin-

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.
-Carrie Snow-

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.
-Laurie Kuslansky-

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being, hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
-Erma Bombeck-

Old age ain't no place for sissies.
-Bette Davis-

A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.
-Rhonda Hansome-

The phrase "working mother" is redundant.
-Jane Sellman-

Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows.
-Jennifer Unlimited-

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
-Charlotte Whitton-

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
-Caryn Leschen-

I try to take one day at a time -- but sometimes several days attack me at once.
-Jennifer Unlimited-

If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be a horrible warning
-Catherine-

When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow!
-Kathy Buckley-

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb -- and I'm also not blonde.
-Dolly Parton-


If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.
-Sue Grafton-

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
-Roseanne Barr-

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.....
-Elayne Boosler-

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
-Maryon Pearson-

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman.
-Margaret Thatcher-

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. Gloria Steinem-

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.
-Zsa Gabor-

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.
-Eleanor Roosevelt-

To be 6 again

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

I'd like to be 6 again, she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster... everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed, "Du-u-u-u-h. I meant my dress size, you idiot!"


The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is going to get it wrong.

Snakes

NAME: Expecteria Trouserius" (Trouser Snake).

LOCATION: Throughout the world.

DESCRIPTION: Varying from pink to black. Fang-less with a highly venomous spit.
Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood & sub-species.

SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks mainly women in the lower front abdomen, resultingin an inconspicuous bump. Then a severe swelling followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. It has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen, resulting in an incurable disease and consequent death.

HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places.

ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men.

WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED

TORNIQUE: Do not apply a tornique as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected.

CUTTING THE WOUND: This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as the bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow.

SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim, but so far has not been reported to have led to any success.

MILKING THE SNAKE:
1. Place four fingers of the right hand around the neck of the reptile, withthe thumb in the front.
2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and downwards motion.
3. This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive and start spitting.
4. The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on the milker and the last time the snake attacked.
5. Once milked the snake should be harmless for about 20 minutes.

CONCLUSION
This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a vermin, and treated with the right respect, makes a wonderful pet.

THE DECORATION AND DESTRUCTION OF THE STONE LIVING ROOM

recieved from Weird NJ newsletter:

The Appalachian Mountains stretch all along the eastern Coast of the US, and go thru NJ in the area of Warren, Passaic, Morris, and Sussex County. Here you can gain elevation of 800 or 900 feet and see miles of forest (or new developments -- pfft!) as far as the horizon. On the boundary of West Milford and Bloomingdale is a state park with typically beautiful views, but also something very very unique called the Stone Living Room (SLR). The SLR has provided a resting place for weary campers, hikers, backpackers, cub scouts, explorers, and couples for three decades, perhaps longer. Located about a 30 minute hike up a steep trail, you might take off your backpack and sit for a while and enjoy the view. Someone in the 1970s decided they needed something more, so they lugged slabs of rock from the surrounding hilltop and made a base, created a back to lean against, and then piled rock behind it make it secure. When I visited the SLR three years ago, I was amazed by how comfortable it actually was. It didn't feel like rock, though perhaps I was so tired from my hike that I didn't care and was just grateful for the resting spot.

The SLR unfortunately attracted partygoers who would come to the spot to drink and light a bonfire in a makeshift fire pit. Fires are against the rules in all state parks because of the potential for a forest fire, but this doesn't stop people from lighting them all the time. The noise, the litter, and the fire hazard made this a source of irritation for the local residents and the Parks Department. Over the years, the trail maintainers would dismantle the fire pit from time to time. The fire pit was always rebuilt, mainly because it's not hard to make; a few rocks in a circle and there you go.

West Milford is known for many things, most of which they'd rather not be associated with: Demon's Alley with its vandalism and arson, Jungle Habitat with its stories of animal abuse and escapes, and Clinton Road with the tales of ghosts, witches and wild animals. The SLR, on the other hand, was a positive thing, something West Milford should have been proud of. Unfortunately, for someone it was not so positive. In mid-May of 2005 someone destroyed the SLR, cracking the larger pieces of stone in an effort to prevent it from being rebuilt.

Why would anyone destroy it? Could it be the Parks dept, tired of the complaints and threats of fire? If it was, it's strange that they wouldn't also have destroyed the fire pit. When I asked the Parks Dept they denied any responsibility, and I believe them. If they had, they'd simply admit it and justify it somehow and that would be that. What about the explorers who enjoy being destructive? It seems unlikely that someone who might tag an abandoned building with graffiti or break windows in a mental institution would have done this, since most people enjoyed coming here, especially the explorer types. The most likely culprit is a local resident. Tired of the noise, the partying, and the fires that could threaten their homes, perhaps they decided they would eliminate this magnet for partyers once and for all.

In July 2005 a group of adults and children spent three hours moving rocks, using tools to pry up pieces of slab, and lining them up so that the SLR would be comfortable, and also stable once again. Some of them had never visited the SLR before, but volunteered because they knew this was something unique that deserved to live again. The fifteen people left that day feeling that they had righted a wrong, secure in the knowledge that it would be there many years from now. Unfortunately, it was not meant to be. Within eighteen hours, the unknown vandals struck again and destroyed the SLR for a second, and sadly, final time. They destroyed the rocks, cracking the slabs into pieces, ensuring they could not be reused to reconstruct the SLR a third time. The SLR cannot be rebuilt without going great distances to get suitable pieces of building material, making the chances of another rebuild very remote.

Whoever you are, you have eliminated something that was special to people from all walks of life, all age groups, and from all over NJ and beyond. You've taken a vista with wonderful views and made it a sad place. Anyone who visits the SLR now will see the shattered pieces of rock and know that there was once something special there, and that someone destroyed it. The partying will likely continue, and so will the pit fires. The only difference will be that the partyers will be a bit more stiff-legged and might have some sore muscles. I can't imagine your motives for destroying such a unique NJ attraction. I pity anyone who's life is so miserable and purposeless that they are left with nothing to do but destroy what others have built and hate a place that has brought a smile to the faces of so many. -A Reader

It's a damn shame when spiteful people destroy landmarks that bring joy to others. Things like the Stone Living Room are part of what makes New Jersey great. People have traveled the country looking for things like this, and I have a sort of pride in my state for having so many cool locations for the seekers of the weird to visit.

I never did get to see the Stone Living Room. It was one of those things that were on my list of places to see...and now I never will.

Thanks a lot, you jerks!

PRODUCT RECALL: Did you buy your desk chair at Walmart?

Office Chairs Sold at Wal-Mart Recalled for Fall Hazard

Hazard: The legs and backs of these chairs can break, and the chairs can easily tip over, posing a fall hazard to consumers.

Incidents/Injuries: Wal-Mart has received nine reports of chairs breaking and two reports of tipping. There have been seven reported injuries, including a broken wrist.

http://www.cpsc.gov/cpscpub/prerel/prhtml06/06208.html

It's an Engrish Job Offer!

I just got this lovely piece of mildly amusing spam today....a job offer!

Hello. liar rio uuuu cobra We have found your resume on Job web site, and would like to offer you vacancy in our company. If you interests, more detailed information you can receive on ours web site: http://www.****.us/ ( please send us email for more information ) vacancymillermorgans@Alum.com pup devil uphold 789 We look forward to your reply. gawky 2345 lamb xrays Thank you. Best regards, Miller & Morgans inc.

Let's start with the grammar...it sucks!
Let's move on to that url...lol. Do I have to tell you that it doesn't work?
Now finally...as I hilighted it to copy & paste to my blog your enjoyment, I made one last discovery...
Drag your mouse over the entire text in the while box and look carefully. :-P

Wtf kind of job are they offerring? I hope it's an English teacher, because they needs one...bad!

My guess is it's either a veterinary clinic or a side show at a circus. (liar cobras, pup devils, and gawking at lamb x-rays)

BITCHOLOGY

When I stand up for myself and my beliefs, they call me a bitch.

When I stand up for those I love, they call me a bitch.

When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts or do things my own way, they call me a bitch.

Being a bitch means I won't compromise what's in my heart. It means I live my life MY way. It means I won't allow anyone to step on me.

When I refuse to tolerate injustice and speak against it, I am defined as a bitch.

The same thing happens when I take time for myself instead of being everyone's maid, or when I act a little selfish.

It means I have the courage and strength to allow myself to be who I truly am and won't become anyone else's idea of what they think I "should" be.

I am outspoken, opinionated and determined. I want what I want and there is nothing wrong with that!

So try to stomp on me, try to douse my inner flame, try to squash every ounce of beauty I hold within me. You won't succeed.

And if that makes me a bitch , so be it. I embrace the title and am proud to bear it.

From the desk of Elizabeth Dole

Today I decided to share some of my snail mail with you. Why? Because I recieved something today that was better than anything currently in my email inbox.

This is hilarious. The funniest thing I have read in years!

And that's right, it came from Elizabeth Dole...THE Elizabeth Dole, one & only wife of Bob Dole.

This was so funny it made me not mind the $62/per month rent increase notice I got today....almost.

Click the thumbnails and prepare to laugh your ass off.

A Virgin Tale

In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone:

"Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin"

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but as the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote:

"Returned unopened"

Tame Alligator

A guy walks into a bat with an alligator on a leash. The bartender tells the man that he cannot bring such a dangerous animal into the bar. The man assures him that the gator is completely tame and offers a demonstration. He opens the gator's mouth, places his penis inside and closes it. He then beats the alligator on the head with a stick. Then, he gently opens the gator's mouth, removes his penis and shows it to the crowd. There wasn't a scratch on it. He turns and says, "Now would anyone else like to try?"

A little old women raises her hand and says, "Yes I would, but please don't hit me on the head with the stick."

The sample

A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."

The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains,

"Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOR?"

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!"

Pussy tricks

A man is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of the females' thighs. To his delight, he realizes she has gone without underwear.

The blonde realizes he is staring and enquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?"

"Yes, I'm sorry" replies the man and promises to avert his eyes.

"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."

Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss. The man, who is getting really interested, enquires what else the wonder pussy can do.

"I can also make it wink," says the woman.

The man stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.

"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. The man moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, the man replies, "No Shit!! It can whistle too?!"

Money From God

A little boy really wanted $100 badly and he prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. So he decided to write a letter to god, requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to president Clinton (but why nobody is sure). Upon receiving the letter, president Clinton was so impressed, touched and amused that he instructed his secretary to mail the little boy $5. He thought that would appear to be a lot of money to the little boy. The little boy was delighted with the five dollars and decided to write odd a thank you letter. it read as follows:

"Dear God, thank you for the money. however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, and as usual, the bastards deducted $95. Thanks anyways."

Golf Caddy

"Well." says the driver, "It has everything. It has power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel. 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all a 8.8 liter V12 engine."

"Wow," says the attendent, thata be something."

"How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver.

Thata be $30.17" says the attendent.

The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10 bill. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are golf tees.

"What dem little wooden things?" asks the attendent.

"Thats what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver.

"Wow" says the attendent, "Dem Cadillac people think of everything."

Knock at the Farmer's Door

The farmer's wife was cooking dinner when there was a knock on the door. She opened it and the man standing there said, "Do you have any pussy?"

"Get out of here," the woman exclaimed, shaking her fist, "and don't come around here no more."

The next night, the same man came to the door, asking the same question. The farmer's wife slammed the door.

When her husband came home that evening, she told him about the two visits. "I'll get that varmit if he comes back tomorrow," he raged. "This time, if he asks you that same question, say yes."

The next night at the sound of a knock, the farmer hid behind the door with his shotgun. His wife answered the door. "Do you have any pussy?" the man asked.

"Yes, I do," the woman said.

"Well, how about giving your old man some," he bellowed, "so he'll leave my wife's alone?"

Johnny's Class

Little Johnny was a foul mouthed little kindergardner. The teacher, Mrs. Smith, didn't like talking to him or calling on him because every time he opened his mouth he ended up in the principles office. One week Mrs. Smith was teaching about the five senses. On Wednesday was Taste. She brought in three meat dishes. All the kids had blindfolds and each got a piece of meat of the first plate. Mrs Smith asked "Can anyone tell me what kind of meat that was?" Nobody raised their hand except Johnny. Against her better judgement she said OK Johnny. He said "That was Beef". Then came the second plate. Mrs Smith again asked "Can anyone tell me what kind of meat that was?" Again, nobody raised their hand except Johnny. She asked if anybody else know the answer thinking that one good answer from Johnny was about all she could expect. Still no hands. Against her better judgement she said OK Johnny. He said "That was Chicken". Then came the third and final plate. Mrs Smith passed out the meat and again asked "Can anyone tell me what kind of meat that was?" Nobody raised their hand. She said "OK I'll give you a hint. What does your mom call your dad when he comes home at night? Johnny jumps up and screams "quick spit it out, its ASSHOLE"

A dog named Sex

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!"

Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand.... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." --

My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." And the doctor said, "Look, mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend, so get yourself a dog."

The Dishes

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.

Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

Steve sits down for dinner and It is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES!!"

Yo momma

• Yo momma's so fat she gets stuck in her dreams!


• Yo momma's so fat that she sat on four quarters and made it into a dollar bill!


• Yo momma's so fat that when she sat on a package of skittles she made a rainbow!


• Yo momma's so fat she went to the beach and sold shade!


• Yo momma's so fat she uses the swimming pool as a toilet!


• Yo momma's so fat she uses a basketball as a hackey sack!


• Yo momma's so fat that she keeps her extra change in one of her folds!


• Yo momma's so fat that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas!


• Yo momma's so fat when she jumped in the air she got stuck!


• Yo momma's so fat she uses a VCR as a beeper!


• Yo momma's so fat every time her beeper goes off people think shes backing up!


• Yo momma's so fat she's in two time zones at the same time!


• Yo momma's so fat she has her own area code!


• Yo momma's so fat when she wears high heels she strikes oil!


• Yo momma's so fat that when she left in the morning in high heels she came back in flip-flops!


• Yo momma's so fat when she stepped on a scale it read to be continued!


• Yo momma's so fat when she stepped on a scale it read one person at a time please!


• Yo momma's so fat that when your daddy makes love to her he never makes love to the same fold twice!


• Yo momma's so fat that when your daddy makes love to her he has to roll her around in flour and look for the wet spot!


• Yo momma's so fat that when your daddy wants to make love to her all he has to do is slap her thigh and roll in with the wave!


• Yo momma's so fat she uses a pillow for a Maxi pad!


• Yo momma's so fat that she had to stop wearing Malcolm X shirts because helicopters kept trying to land on her!


• Yo momma's brain is so small that if I took it and rolled it down the edge of a razor blade it would be like a lone car going down a six lane highway!


• Yo momma's brain is so small if you stuffed it up an ants ass and it would still rattle like a BB in a tin can!


• Yo momma's armpits stink so bad she made Speed Stick slow down!


• Yo momma's armpits stink so bad she made Right Guard turn to left!


• Yo momma's armpits are so hairy it looks like she's got Buckwheat in a headlock!


• Yo momma's glasses are so thick when she looks at a map she sees people waving!


• Yo momma's glasses are so thick she could read my mind


• Yo momma's so skinny when she swallowed a marble people thought she was pregnant!


• Yo momma's so skinny she could hula-hoop through a Cherrio!


• Yo momma's so skinny when she was drowning the lifeguard threw her a roll of Lifesavers and told her to put one around her waist!


• Yo momma's so old she still owes Moses a quarter!


• Yo momma's so old when she reads the bible she reminisces!


• Yo momma's teeth are so yellow cars slow down!


• Yo momma's teeth are so yellow she spits butter!


• Yo momma's so dumb she put a ruler by her bed to see how long she slept!


• Yo momma's so stupid she got locked up in a supermarket and starved to death!


• Yo momma's so short she plays raquet ball on a curb!


• Yo momma's so short she can bungee-jump off a curb!


• Yo momma's so ugly not even her Rice Crispies will talk to her!


• Yo momma's so ugly she has to sneak up on a cup of water!


• Yo momma's so ugly that bigfoot took a picture of her!


• Yo momma's so ugly that they kicked her out of Jurrasic Park!


• Yo momma's so stupid that when she went to the airport, the sign read "Airport Left", so she left


• Yo momma's so poor that when I saw her walking down the street kicking a can I asked her what she was doing, she said "Moving!"


• Yo momma's so poor that when she wrote a check the whole bank bounced!


• Yo momma's so greedy when she wakes up in the morning she looks under her bed to see if she lost any sleep!


• Yo momma's so black that she dresses to a funeral naked!


• Yo momma's so black that she went to night school and they marked her absent!


• Yo momma's so fat and black that when she goes skydiving she turns day into night!


• Yo momma's lips are so big that she needs a kick stand to hold them up!


• Yo momma's so short she has to cuff her panties!

Condom Slogans

• Cover your stump before you hump.


• Before you attack her, wrap your whacker.


• Don`t be silly, protect your willy.


• When in doubt, shroud your sprout.


• Don`t be a loner, cover your boner.


• You can`t go wrong if you shield your dong.


• If you`re not going to sack it, go home and whack it.


• If you think she`s spunky, cover your monkey.


• If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize.


• It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter.


• She won`t get sick if you wrap your dick.


• If you go into heat, package your meat.


• While you`re undressing Venus, dress up that penis.


• When you take off her pants and blouse, dress up your trouser mouse.


• Especially in December, gift wrap your member.


• Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker.


• Don`t be a fool, vulcanize your tool.


• The right selection! Protect your erection!


• Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.


• A crank with armor will never harm her.


• If you really love her, wear a cover.


• Don`t make a mistake, muzzle your snake.


• Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener.


• If you can`t shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket.


• No glove, no love!

Kicking punishment

There's this kid who lives on a farm. He comes home from school in a really bad mood. He sees a pig and kicks it. Then he sees a chicken and kicks that. Then he walks into the house.

"I saw you kick those animals," his mother said. "For kicking the pig, you'll have no bacon for a week. For kicking the chicken, you'll have no eggs for a week."

The kid's about to say something, when his father walks in the door, also in a foul mood, and kicks the cat.

The kid says to his mother, "You want to tell him, or should I?"

Cat & horse

A cat and a horse are walking through the forest. Suddenly the cat slips into a pit of quicksand. "Help me Ed!", says the cat, "Quick, run home, get the ferari, cruise back here tie a rope to the back and throw It in so you can pull me out."

"No way.", exclaimed the horse, "There isn't enough time. I'll back up, get a running start, jump over the pit while my dick drags in the quicksand. You can grab it and I'll pull you out."

"That'll never work!", said the cat.

"Well dude, you're sinking fast, you don't have much of a choice."

"OK, dude, go for it."

The horse backed up and ran toward the pit. At the last second, he jumped and let his dick drag in the quicksand. As it passed the cat, the cat grabbed it and, miraculously, was pulled out of the quicksand.

The moral of this story? If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a ferrari to get a little pussy.

Bad dogs

There were two extremely unhappy dogs, a collie and a cocker spaniel, in a vets office.

"So what are you here for?", the collie said to the cocker spaniel.

"Oh, I'm here because my master's mad at me for pissing on the carpet, he's going to put me to sleep"

"Really?", said the collie, "My master's going to put me to sleep too, I keep crapping in his shoes".

The two dogs were hanging their heads and bemoaning their fate when a german shepherd is put in a cage next to them.

"What are you here for?" said the cocker spaniel.

"Well, my mistress was coming out of taking a shower, and bent over to pick up her towel, well, I just couldn't resist myself, so I mounted her.

"You did!" said the collie, " So, is she putting you to sleep too?"

"Oh no!" said the german shepherd" I'm just getting my nails trimmed".

Why females should avoid a "girl's-night-out" after they are married

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls."

I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the Margaritas went down way too
easily.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), so as to avoid a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him, "Midnight."

He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

I asked him, "Why?"

He said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh, shit!" and cuckooed 4 more times, it cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then it
tripped over the coffee table and farted."

OOPS!!!

His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.

Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.

"Becky my darling," he whispered. "Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."

He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "Everything's all right, go to sleep."



"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know, sweetheart," whispered Becky.

"Let the poison work."

REALITY BYTES

1. Life is sexually transmitted.

2. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

3. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich!

4. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

5. Some people are like Slinkies..... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

6. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

7. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

8. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

9. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

10. In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

11. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the
first one.

Think Twice

"I'll bet you have to think twice before you leave your wife alone at
night." one man said to the other.

"I'll say." replied the second, "First, I have to think up a reason
for going out. Second, I have to think up why she can't go with me."

Perfect Man

A man walked out into the street in New York, and managed to flag down
a taxi just driving by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said,
"Perfect timing. You're just like Dave."

The passenger said, "Who?"

The cabbie said, "Dave Bronson. Now there's a guy who did everything
right. Like my coming along just when you needed a cab. It would have
happened like that to Dave."

The rider said, "Well, nobody's perfect."

The cabbie said, "Dave was. He was a terrific athlete. He could have
gone on the pro tour in golf. He could have played tennis with the
best pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway
star. He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's
birthday. He could fix anything, not like me. If I change even a fuse,
I black out the whole neighborhood."

The rider said, "No wonder you remember him."

The cabbie said, "Well, no I never actually met Dave."

The rider asked, "Then how do you know so much about him?"

The cabbie exclaimed, " I married his widow!"

FLORIDA FARMER

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice, with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and grapefruit trees.

The pond was fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old man decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, to look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw there were a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you
leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Old men can still think fast.

A Nun in Hooters

A Nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off.

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the Nun, dressed in the traditional floor-length black habit, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the Nun.

So, the bartender showed the Nun to the back of the restaurant, and she proceeded to the restroom.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the Nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand.
Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink? It's on the house"

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled Nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"

Misc Crap

In the 1400's a law was set forth that a man was not allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb."

Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska.

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this....) The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%!

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400.

The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000.

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades - King David , Hearts - Charlemagne, Clubs -Alexander, the Great, and Diamonds - Julius Caesar

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of
natural causes.

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey

Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase.......... "goodnight, sleep tight."

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down." It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's."

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.

~~~AND FINALLY~~~
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.....

Dogs

How Dogs And Men Are The Same:

1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
3. Both mark their territory.
4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
6. Neither does any dishes.
7. Both fart shamelessly.
8. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
9. Both like dominance games.
10. Both are suspicious of the postman.
11. Neither understands what you see in cats.

How Dogs Are Better Than Men:

1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
6. Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.)
7. You can train a dog.
8. Dogs are easy to buy for.
9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.
(OK, the really worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).
10. Dogs understand what "no" means.
11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

Top Ten Reasons Why A Dog Is Better Than A Woman:

10. A dog's parents will never visit you.
9. A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
8. A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
7. A dog never expects you to telephone.
6. A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.
5. A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.
4. A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog
3. A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.
2. The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.
1. A dog does not shop.

Life Lessons Learned From A Dog:

1. If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want. 2. Don't go out without ID.
3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on their shoes.
4. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
5. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
6. Always give people a friendly greeting.
7. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged shamefully out from under the bed).
8. If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.