Monday, January 08, 2007

Clean Underwear

Listen up!  If you don't laugh out loud at this one, call the morgue  and
reserve a tray, because you are dead.

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under  your vehicle.

From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story  of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart only to have their  car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.

On closer inspection, she saw pair a of male legs protruding from under the chassis.

Although the man was in shorts, his lack of  underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP  his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

Smile Time

At 85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and
Morris should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night
together.

After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Morris, her 85 year old groom ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Morris takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Morris. Again he is ready for more "action". Somewhat surprised, Lou
Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Morris is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action". And, once again they enjoy each other.
But as Morris gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often.  I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Morris."
Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: "You mean I was here already?"

The moral of the story:

Don't be afraid of getting old,

Alzheimer's has it's advantages!

HUMOR IN THE FACE OF DEFEAT

A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. 

While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend.  In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him, AND she wanted pictures of herself back.
So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do.

He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted

photos of women he could find.
He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girlfriend with the following note:
"I don't remember which one you are. 

Please remove your picture and send the rest back."

The IRS Genie

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the
desert without water.
His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.
She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She  has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes." 

"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS auditor genie." 

"What do you have to lose?  You've got no transportation,
and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."
***POOF*** 

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest
dreams."
***POOF*** 

The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish.  Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says, "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me." 
***POOF***

He is turned into a tampon.


The moral of the story:  If the government offers you
anything, there's going to be a string attached.

The Church Gossip

The church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church's morals kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several church members were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being a drunk after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away.

He didn't explain, defend, or deny; he said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of her house . . . . .

and left it there all night. . . . .

AT THE FOOTBALL GAME

SITTING BEHIND A COUPLE OF NUNS AT A FOOTBALL GAME (WHOSE HABITS PARTIALLY BLOCKED THE VIEW), THREE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE NUNS IN AN EFFORT TO GET THEM TO MOVE.
IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID, "I THINK I'M GOING TO MOVE TO UTAH, I HEARD THERE ARE ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE."
THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO MONTANA. THERE ARE ONLY 5O NUNS LIVING THERE."
THE THIRD GUY SAID, "WELL I WANT TO GO TO IDAHO. THEY SAY THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS LIVING THERE."
ONE OF THE NUNS TURNED AROUND, LOOKED AT THE MEN, AND IN A VERY SWEET, CALM,VOICE SAID ...
"WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL. . . . .

THERE AREN'T ANY NUNS THERE."

THE CONFEDERACY LIVES ON

A very genteel Southern lady was driving across the Savannah River Bridge in Georgia one day.  As she neared the top of the bridge, she  noticed a young man fixing (ready) to jump.
She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please don't jump, think of your dear mother and father." 

He replied, "Mom and Dad are both dead;  I'm going to jump."
She said, "Well, think of your wife and children" 

He replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any kids."
She said, "Well, think of Robert E. Lee." 

He replied, ''Who's Robert E. Lee?''
She replied, ''Well bless your little heart,

just go ahead and jump,

you dumb ass Yankee!"

WALKING THE DOG

A little girl asked her mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?                        
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."                        
"What's that mean?" asked the child.                        
"Go ask your father.  I think he's in the garage."                      
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block?   I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat and to come to you."                         
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."

He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline and scrubed the dog's backside with it and said, "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle  
on the leash and only go one time around the block."                   
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.                    
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"                       
The little girl said,

"She ran out of gas about halfway down the block,

so another dog is pushing her home.

WHAT IS THE RIGHT ANSWER?

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your small car?

Think before you continue reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.  However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered, "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital.  I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.  Never forget to "Think Outside the Box."

HOWEVER ........., the correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers!!!!

....... Geez, I just love happy endings.