Sunday, May 07, 2006

A Virgin Tale

In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone:

"Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin"

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but as the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote:

"Returned unopened"

Tame Alligator

A guy walks into a bat with an alligator on a leash. The bartender tells the man that he cannot bring such a dangerous animal into the bar. The man assures him that the gator is completely tame and offers a demonstration. He opens the gator's mouth, places his penis inside and closes it. He then beats the alligator on the head with a stick. Then, he gently opens the gator's mouth, removes his penis and shows it to the crowd. There wasn't a scratch on it. He turns and says, "Now would anyone else like to try?"

A little old women raises her hand and says, "Yes I would, but please don't hit me on the head with the stick."

The sample

A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."

The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains,

"Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOR?"

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!"

Pussy tricks

A man is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of the females' thighs. To his delight, he realizes she has gone without underwear.

The blonde realizes he is staring and enquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?"

"Yes, I'm sorry" replies the man and promises to avert his eyes.

"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."

Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss. The man, who is getting really interested, enquires what else the wonder pussy can do.

"I can also make it wink," says the woman.

The man stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.

"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. The man moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, the man replies, "No Shit!! It can whistle too?!"

Money From God

A little boy really wanted $100 badly and he prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. So he decided to write a letter to god, requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to president Clinton (but why nobody is sure). Upon receiving the letter, president Clinton was so impressed, touched and amused that he instructed his secretary to mail the little boy $5. He thought that would appear to be a lot of money to the little boy. The little boy was delighted with the five dollars and decided to write odd a thank you letter. it read as follows:

"Dear God, thank you for the money. however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, and as usual, the bastards deducted $95. Thanks anyways."

Golf Caddy

"Well." says the driver, "It has everything. It has power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel. 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all a 8.8 liter V12 engine."

"Wow," says the attendent, thata be something."

"How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver.

Thata be $30.17" says the attendent.

The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10 bill. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are golf tees.

"What dem little wooden things?" asks the attendent.

"Thats what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver.

"Wow" says the attendent, "Dem Cadillac people think of everything."

Knock at the Farmer's Door

The farmer's wife was cooking dinner when there was a knock on the door. She opened it and the man standing there said, "Do you have any pussy?"

"Get out of here," the woman exclaimed, shaking her fist, "and don't come around here no more."

The next night, the same man came to the door, asking the same question. The farmer's wife slammed the door.

When her husband came home that evening, she told him about the two visits. "I'll get that varmit if he comes back tomorrow," he raged. "This time, if he asks you that same question, say yes."

The next night at the sound of a knock, the farmer hid behind the door with his shotgun. His wife answered the door. "Do you have any pussy?" the man asked.

"Yes, I do," the woman said.

"Well, how about giving your old man some," he bellowed, "so he'll leave my wife's alone?"

Johnny's Class

Little Johnny was a foul mouthed little kindergardner. The teacher, Mrs. Smith, didn't like talking to him or calling on him because every time he opened his mouth he ended up in the principles office. One week Mrs. Smith was teaching about the five senses. On Wednesday was Taste. She brought in three meat dishes. All the kids had blindfolds and each got a piece of meat of the first plate. Mrs Smith asked "Can anyone tell me what kind of meat that was?" Nobody raised their hand except Johnny. Against her better judgement she said OK Johnny. He said "That was Beef". Then came the second plate. Mrs Smith again asked "Can anyone tell me what kind of meat that was?" Again, nobody raised their hand except Johnny. She asked if anybody else know the answer thinking that one good answer from Johnny was about all she could expect. Still no hands. Against her better judgement she said OK Johnny. He said "That was Chicken". Then came the third and final plate. Mrs Smith passed out the meat and again asked "Can anyone tell me what kind of meat that was?" Nobody raised their hand. She said "OK I'll give you a hint. What does your mom call your dad when he comes home at night? Johnny jumps up and screams "quick spit it out, its ASSHOLE"

A dog named Sex

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!"

Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand.... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." --

My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." And the doctor said, "Look, mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend, so get yourself a dog."

The Dishes

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.

Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

Steve sits down for dinner and It is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES!!"

Yo momma

  • Yo momma's so fat she gets stuck in her dreams!

  • Yo momma's so fat that she sat on four quarters and made it into a dollar bill!

  • Yo momma's so fat that when she sat on a package of skittles she made a rainbow!

  • Yo momma's so fat she went to the beach and sold shade!

  • Yo momma's so fat she uses the swimming pool as a toilet!

  • Yo momma's so fat she uses a basketball as a hackey sack!

  • Yo momma's so fat that she keeps her extra change in one of her folds!

  • Yo momma's so fat that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas!

  • Yo momma's so fat when she jumped in the air she got stuck!

  • Yo momma's so fat she uses a VCR as a beeper!

  • Yo momma's so fat every time her beeper goes off people think shes backing up!

  • Yo momma's so fat she's in two time zones at the same time!

  • Yo momma's so fat she has her own area code!

  • Yo momma's so fat when she wears high heels she strikes oil!

  • Yo momma's so fat that when she left in the morning in high heels she came back in flip-flops!

  • Yo momma's so fat when she stepped on a scale it read to be continued!

  • Yo momma's so fat when she stepped on a scale it read one person at a time please!

  • Yo momma's so fat that when your daddy makes love to her he never makes love to the same fold twice!

  • Yo momma's so fat that when your daddy makes love to her he has to roll her around in flour and look for the wet spot!

  • Yo momma's so fat that when your daddy wants to make love to her all he has to do is slap her thigh and roll in with the wave!

  • Yo momma's so fat she uses a pillow for a Maxi pad!

  • Yo momma's so fat that she had to stop wearing Malcolm X shirts because helicopters kept trying to land on her!

  • Yo momma's brain is so small that if I took it and rolled it down the edge of a razor blade it would be like a lone car going down a six lane highway!

  • Yo momma's brain is so small if you stuffed it up an ants ass and it would still rattle like a BB in a tin can!

  • Yo momma's armpits stink so bad she made Speed Stick slow down!

  • Yo momma's armpits stink so bad she made Right Guard turn to left!

  • Yo momma's armpits are so hairy it looks like she's got Buckwheat in a headlock!

  • Yo momma's glasses are so thick when she looks at a map she sees people waving!

  • Yo momma's glasses are so thick she could read my mind

  • Yo momma's so skinny when she swallowed a marble people thought she was pregnant!

  • Yo momma's so skinny she could hula-hoop through a Cherrio!

  • Yo momma's so skinny when she was drowning the lifeguard threw her a roll of Lifesavers and told her to put one around her waist!

  • Yo momma's so old she still owes Moses a quarter!

  • Yo momma's so old when she reads the bible she reminisces!

  • Yo momma's teeth are so yellow cars slow down!

  • Yo momma's teeth are so yellow she spits butter!

  • Yo momma's so dumb she put a ruler by her bed to see how long she slept!

  • Yo momma's so stupid she got locked up in a supermarket and starved to death!

  • Yo momma's so short she plays raquet ball on a curb!

  • Yo momma's so short she can bungee-jump off a curb!

  • Yo momma's so ugly not even her Rice Crispies will talk to her!

  • Yo momma's so ugly she has to sneak up on a cup of water!

  • Yo momma's so ugly that bigfoot took a picture of her!

  • Yo momma's so ugly that they kicked her out of Jurrasic Park!

  • Yo momma's so stupid that when she went to the airport, the sign read "Airport Left", so she left

  • Yo momma's so poor that when I saw her walking down the street kicking a can I asked her what she was doing, she said "Moving!"

  • Yo momma's so poor that when she wrote a check the whole bank bounced!

  • Yo momma's so greedy when she wakes up in the morning she looks under her bed to see if she lost any sleep!

  • Yo momma's so black that she dresses to a funeral naked!

  • Yo momma's so black that she went to night school and they marked her absent!

  • Yo momma's so fat and black that when she goes skydiving she turns day into night!

  • Yo momma's lips are so big that she needs a kick stand to hold them up!

  • Yo momma's so short she has to cuff her panties!

Condom Slogans

  • Cover your stump before you hump.

  • Before you attack her, wrap your whacker.

  • Don`t be silly, protect your willy.

  • When in doubt, shroud your sprout.

  • Don`t be a loner, cover your boner.

  • You can`t go wrong if you shield your dong.

  • If you`re not going to sack it, go home and whack it.

  • If you think she`s spunky, cover your monkey.

  • If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize.

  • It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter.

  • She won`t get sick if you wrap your dick.

  • If you go into heat, package your meat.

  • While you`re undressing Venus, dress up that penis.

  • When you take off her pants and blouse, dress up your trouser mouse.

  • Especially in December, gift wrap your member.

  • Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker.

  • Don`t be a fool, vulcanize your tool.

  • The right selection! Protect your erection!

  • Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.

  • A crank with armor will never harm her.

  • If you really love her, wear a cover.

  • Don`t make a mistake, muzzle your snake.

  • Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener.

  • If you can`t shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket.

  • No glove, no love!

Kicking punishment

There's this kid who lives on a farm. He comes home from school in a really bad mood. He sees a pig and kicks it. Then he sees a chicken and kicks that. Then he walks into the house.

"I saw you kick those animals," his mother said. "For kicking the pig, you'll have no bacon for a week. For kicking the chicken, you'll have no eggs for a week."

The kid's about to say something, when his father walks in the door, also in a foul mood, and kicks the cat.

The kid says to his mother, "You want to tell him, or should I?"

Cat & horse

A cat and a horse are walking through the forest. Suddenly the cat slips into a pit of quicksand. "Help me Ed!", says the cat, "Quick, run home, get the ferari, cruise back here tie a rope to the back and throw It in so you can pull me out."

"No way.", exclaimed the horse, "There isn't enough time. I'll back up, get a running start, jump over the pit while my dick drags in the quicksand. You can grab it and I'll pull you out."

"That'll never work!", said the cat.

"Well dude, you're sinking fast, you don't have much of a choice."

"OK, dude, go for it."

The horse backed up and ran toward the pit. At the last second, he jumped and let his dick drag in the quicksand. As it passed the cat, the cat grabbed it and, miraculously, was pulled out of the quicksand.

The moral of this story? If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a ferrari to get a little pussy.

Bad dogs

There were two extremely unhappy dogs, a collie and a cocker spaniel, in a vets office.

"So what are you here for?", the collie said to the cocker spaniel.

"Oh, I'm here because my master's mad at me for pissing on the carpet, he's going to put me to sleep"

"Really?", said the collie, "My master's going to put me to sleep too, I keep crapping in his shoes".

The two dogs were hanging their heads and bemoaning their fate when a german shepherd is put in a cage next to them.

"What are you here for?" said the cocker spaniel.

"Well, my mistress was coming out of taking a shower, and bent over to pick up her towel, well, I just couldn't resist myself, so I mounted her.

"You did!" said the collie, " So, is she putting you to sleep too?"

"Oh no!" said the german shepherd" I'm just getting my nails trimmed".