Sunday, July 18, 2004

Half Staff

If we are flying the flag at half staff for 30 days for President Reagan,

will we have to wear our pants around our knees for 30 days when Clinton dies?

Italian for Americans

I'm sending this out to every person I know who is Italian, could be Italian or married an Italian. ENJOY!!!!!

Let's start at the beginning. Come stai? Molto bene. Bon giorno. Ciao. Arrivederci. Every Italian from Italy knows these words and every Italian-American should.

But what about the goomba speech pattern? Those words and phrases that are a little Italian, a little American, and a little slang. Words Every paesano and Bacciagaloop has heard,-words we hear on The Sopranos and throughout our Little Italy neighborhoods of New York and New Jersey.

This form of language, the "Goomba-Italiano" has been used for generations. It's not gangster slang terms like "whack" or "vig", if that's what you are thinking---nope, this is real guido tawk!

The goomba says ciao when he arrives or leaves. He says Madonna Mia anytime emotion is needed in any given situation. Mannaggia, meengya, oofah, and of course, va fongool can also be used. Capeesh?

He uses a mopeen to wipe his hands in the cuchina, gets agita from the gravy (SAUCE to the NJ gang) and will shkeeve meatballs unless they are homemade from the famiglia. Always foonah your bread in the pot of gravy (sauce) or you will be considered a real coo-gootz or a Mezzo-finookio.

There are usually plenty of mamalukes and the girl from the neighborhood with the reputation is a facia-bruta puttana or a schifosa whooer.

If you are called cattivo, cabbadost, sfatcheem, stupido, or strunz, you are usually a pain in the ass. A crazy diavlo can give you the malokya (evil eye), but that red horn (contra malokya) will protect you if you Use it right. Don't forget to always say per favore and grazia and prego.

If you are feeling mooshadda or stoonad or mezzo-morto, always head to Nonna's and she will fix you up with a little homemade manicott', cavadell', or calamar', or some ricotta cheesecake.

Mangia some zeppoles, canollis, torrone, struffoli, shfoolyadell', pignoli cookies, or a little nutella on pannetone.Delizioso! I think I will fix myself a sangweech of cabagol' with some proshoot and mozarell' or maybe just a hot slice of peetza...............

So salud' if you have any Italian blood in you and if you understood anything written here. If so, you are numero uno and a professore of the goombas.

If you don't get any of this, then fa Nabola with the whole thing and you are a disgraziato. Scuzi, me dispiachay, I didn't mean that....... Just...... fugheddaboudit!..........

Love Him or Loathe Him

Love him or loath him, he nailed this one right on the head.............

By Rush Limbaugh:

I think the vast differences in compensation between victims of the September 11 casualty and those who die serving the country in Uniform are profound.

No one is really talking about it either, because you just don't criticize anything having to do with September 11.

Well, I just can't let the numbers pass by because it says something really disturbing about the entitlement mentality of this country.

If you lost a family member in the September 11 attack, you're going to get an average of $1,185,000. The range is a minimum guarantee of $250,000, all the way up to $4.7 million.

If you are a surviving family member of an American soldier killed in action, the first check you get is a $6,000 direct death benefit, half of which is taxable.

Next, you get $1,750 for burial costs.

If you are the surviving spouse, you get $833 a month until you remarry.

And there's a payment of $211 per month for each child under 18. When the child hits 18, those payments come to a screeching halt.

Keep in mind that some of the people who are getting an average of $1.185 million up to $4.7 million are complaining that it's not enough.

Their deaths were tragic, but for most, they were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Soldiers put themselves in harms way FOR ALL OF US, and they and their families know the dangers.

We also learned over the weekend that some of the victims from the Ok lahoma City bombing have started an organization asking for the same deal that the September 11 families are getting.

In addition to that, some of the families of those bombed in the embassies are now asking for compensation as well.

You see where this is going, don't you?

Folks, this is part and parcel of over 50 years of entitlement politics in this country.

It's just really sad.

Every time a pay raise comes up for the military, they usually receive! next to nothing of a raise.

Now the green machine is in combat in the Middle East while their families have to survive on food stamps and live in low-rent housing.

Make sense?

However, our own U.S. Congress just voted themselves a raise, and many of you don't know that they only have to be in Congress one time to receive a pension that is more than $15,000 per month, and most are now equal to being millionaires plus.

They also do not receive Social Security on retirement because they didn't have to pay into the system.

If some of the military people stay in for 20 years and get out as an E-7, you may receive a pension of $1,000 per month, and the very people who placed you in harm's way receive a pension of $15,000 per month.

I would like to see our elected officials pick up a weapon and join ranks before they start cutting out benefits and lowering pay for our sons and daughters who are now fighting.

When do we finally do something about this?

If this doesn't seem fair to you, it is time to forward this to as many people as you can.

If your interested there is more.......................

This must be a campaign issue in 2004.

Keep it going. If enough people receive this, maybe a seed of awareness will be planted and maybe good changes will evolve.

WE, each one of us... can make a difference!

How many people can YOU send this to?

Lucky Frog

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing.

He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.

He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."

He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup.

He is shocked.

He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?

The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.

"What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one.

The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.

By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas. "

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"

The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."

Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.

Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.

He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me."

He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.

With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."

Government Changes

The Government announced today that it's changing its
emblem to a condom, because it more clearly reflects
the Governments' political stance.
A condom stands up to inflation, halts production,
destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks,
and gives you a sense of security while you are
actually being screwed!

Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that!

Life on the Beach

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot.

One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.

She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed she was selling drugs, and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"

He hadn't, and said so.

Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave.

The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.

"Well, Is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly.

"No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

"Well, What is it, then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said, "She's a battery salesperson."

"Batteries?" cried the wife.

"Yes," he replied.

(Now this is going to kill you. . .)

(You're gonna hate me for this...)

She sells "C" cells down by the sea shore. (hehehe)

Four Little Animals

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"

A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said,

"All I want out of life is four little animals."

The teacher asked, "Really? And what four little animals would that be, sugar?

The little girl said, "A mink on my back,

a jaguar in the garage,

a tiger in the bed and

a jackass to pay for all of it."

The teacher fainted!


Jenny's husband, Charley, was a male chauvinist.

Even though they both worked full-time, he never helped around the house.

Housework was woman's work!

But one evening Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table set.

She was astonished--something's up.

It turns out that Charley had read an article that said wives who worked full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex.

That night went well and the next day she told her office friends all about it.

"We had a great dinner. Charley even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed the evening."

"But what about afterward?" asked her friends.

"Oh, that was perfect too. Charley was too tired!"

God is good!!!

New Drugs for Women

BUYAGRA: Stimulant to be taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

MENICILLIN: Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. Can we get naked now?"

ST. MOM'S WORT: Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

EMPTY NESTROGEN: Highly effective supplement that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

PEPTO-BIMBO: Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.

DUMMEROL: When taken with Pepto-bimbo, can cause lowering of IQ, causing enjoyment of loud country music and cheap beer.

FLIPITOR: Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

JACKASSPIRIN: Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, or phone number.

ANTI-TALKSIDENT: A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

RAGAMET: When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as nagging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

DAMMITOL: Take two and the rest of the world can go to hell for 8 hours.

Exercise for Seniors

Just came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders.

It seems so easy, so I thought I'd pass it on to some of my younger friends.

The article suggested doing it three days a week.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute, then relax.

Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks.

Then 50-lb. potato sacks, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

After you feel confident at that level,

put a potato in each of the sacks; but be careful!


















Walking the Dog

A little girl asked her mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring the Belle over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go around the block once."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

The little girl said,

"She ran out of gas

about halfway down the block,

so another dog is pushing her home."


Only in drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a DIET coke.

Only in banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

Only in they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.


Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes ?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are t hey called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle) other words, send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.

The De-Stress Diet

As the stress of the day builds...

This is a specially formulated diet designed to help
cope with the stress that builds during the day.


1 grapefruit
1 slice whole-wheat toast
1 cup skim milk

1 small portion lean, steamed chicken
1 cup of spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 Hershey's Kiss

The rest of the Hershey Kisses in the bag
1 pint of Hagen-Daaz ice cream, any flavor,
with chocolate-chip topping

4 glasses of wine (red or white)
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size Supreme pizza
3 Snickers bars

1 whole Sarah Lee cheesecake
(eaten directly from the freezer)


"Stressed" spelled backward is "desserts"

Send this to four people and you will lose two pounds.

Send this to all the people you know (or ever knew), and you will lose 10 pounds.


If you delete this page you will gain 10 pounds immediately.
(you want to take the chance?)


National Friendship Week

Too many people put off something that brings them joy just because they haven't thought about it, don't have it on their schedule, didn't know it was coming, or are too rigid to depart from their routine.

I got to thinking one day about all those women
on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner
that fateful night in an effort to cut back.

From then on, I've tried to be a little more flexible.

How many women out there will eat at home because their husband didn't suggest going out to dinner until after something had been thawed? Does the word "refrigeration" mean nothing to you?

How often have your kids dropped in to talk and sat in silence while you watched 'Jeopardy' on television?

I cannot count the times I called my sister and said,
"How about going to lunch in a half hour?"
She would gas up and stammer,
"I can't. I have clothes on the line.
My hair is dirty.
I wish I had known yesterday,
I had a late breakfast,
It looks like rain."
And my personal favorite: "It's Monday." ...
She died a few years ago. We never did have lunch together.

Because Americans cram so much into their lives,
we tend to schedule our headaches.

We live on a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves
when all the conditions are perfect!

We'll go back and visit the grandparents
when we get Stevie toilet-trained.

We'll entertain
when we replace the living-room carpet.

We'll go on a second honeymoon
when we get two more kids out of college.

Life has a way of accelerating as we get older.
The days get shorter,
and the list of promises to ourselves gets longer.

One morning, we awaken,
and all we have to show for our lives is a litany of
"I'm going to,"
"I plan on," and
"Someday, when things are settled down a bit."

When anyone calls my 'seize the moment' friend,
she is open to adventure and available for trips.
She keeps an open mind on new ideas.
Her enthusiasm for life is contagious.
You talk with her for five minutes,
and you're ready to trade your bad feet for a pair of rollerblades and skip an elevator for a bungee cord.

My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years.
I love ice cream.
It's just that I might as well apply it directly to my stomach
with a spatula and eliminate the digestive process.
The other day, I stopped the car and bought a triple-decker.
If my car had hit an iceberg on the way home,
I would have died happy.

Now go on and have a nice day. Do something you WANT TO DO ......not something on your SHOULD DO list.

If you were going to die soon
and had only one phone call you could make,
who would you call and what would you say?
And why are you waiting?

Make sure you read this to the end;
you will understand why I sent it to you.

Have you ever watched kids playing on a merry go-round
or listened to the raindrops plopping on the ground?

Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight
or gazed at the sun into the fading night?

Do you run through each day on the fly?
When you ask "How are you?" Do you hear the reply?

When the day is done, do you lie in your bed
with the next hundred chores running through your head?

Ever told your child, "We'll do it tomorrow."
And in your haste, not see his sorrow?

Ever lost touch? Let a good friendship die?
Just because you didn't call to say "Hi"?

When you worry and hurry through your day,
it is like an unopened gift....Thrown away...

Life is not a race. Take it slower.
Hear the music before the song is over.

It's National Friendship Week!

Show your friends how much you care.

Send this to everyone you consider a FRIEND.

If it comes back to you, then you'll know you have a circle of friends.

"Life may not be the party we hoped for...

but while we are here we might as well dance."

Enjoy your's the only one you've got!

Monday, July 05, 2004

Papal Blessing

The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase,
"Tuti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind.

A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They noticed
that the pope blessed all Mankind,
but not Womankind.

The next day, after His sermon, the Pope
concluded by saying, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini" -
Blessed be Mankind and Womankind.

The next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope. They said that
they noticed that he blessed man kind and woman kind, and asked if he
could also bless gay people.

The Pope said, "Sure." The next day,
the Pope concluded his sermon with:
"Tuti Homeni, et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti

Hick Astrology


It has become pretty obvious to us
hicks in the south
that our present astrological signs
have served their purpose
and that we should get rid of them.
When I'm out driving around I'll see bulls,
and once in a great while
I suppose I'll even see a ram.
Up the street from me there's some twins,
but I don't see them much.
The rest of these things are just too obscure.
You only see crabs on vacation.
There are no lions or scorpions,
not many archers and no damn water bearers.
The neighborhood's not crawling with them either.
SO, what we need here is some relevance.
We need things we can recognize up there in the night sky.


Dec 22 - Jan 20 - OKRA
Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick
on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence.
An older Okra can look back over his life
and see the seeds of his influence everywhere.
Stay away from Moon Pies.

Jan 21 - Feb 19 - CHITLIN
Chitlins often come from humble backgrounds.
Many times they're uncomfortable talking about
just where they came from. A chitlin, however,
can make something of himself if he's motivated
and has plenty of seasoning. When it comes to
dealing with Chitlins, be very careful. Chitlins can
burn and then erupt like Vesuvius, and this can make
for a really terrible mess.
Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.
Remember that when marriage time rolls around.

Feb 20 - Mar 20 - BOLL WEEVIL
You have an overwhelming curiosity.
You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you
feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything.
Needless to say, you are very intense and driven
as if you had some inner hunger.
Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you,
so don't worry about it.

Mar 21 - Apr 20 - MOON PIE
You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch.
It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of
Moon Pies. "Big" and "round" are the key words here.
You should marry anybody who
you can get remotely interested in the idea.
It's not going to be easy.
This might be the year to think about aerobics.
Maybe not.

Apr 21 - May 21 - POSSUM
When confronted with life's difficulties,
possums have a marked tendency to withdraw
and develop a "don't -bother -me -about -it" attitude.
Sometimes you become so withdrawn,
people actually think you're dead.
This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy,
but seems to work for you.
One day, however, it won't work, and
you may find your problems actually running you over.

May 22 - Jun 21 - CRAWFISH
Crawfish is a water sign.
If you work in an office,
you're always hanging around the water cooler.
Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains,
the pool to the golf course,
the bathtub to the living room.
You tend not to be particularly attractive physically,
but you have very, very good heads.

Jun 22 - Jul 23 - COLLARDS
Collards have a genius for communication.
They love to get in the "melting pot" of life and
share their essence with the essences of those around them.
Collards make good social workers,
psychologists and baseball managers.
As far as your personal life goes,
if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies.
It just won't work.
Save yourself a lot of heartache.

Jul 24 - Aug 23 - CATFISH
Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart,
with one exception:
Whiskers may cause problems for loved ones.
You catfish are never easy people to understand.
You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life.
Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

Aug 24 - Sep 23 - GRITS
Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself.
You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits.
You love to travel, though,
so maybe you should think about joining a club.
Where do you like to go?
Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs.
If you can go somewhere where they have all these things,
that serves you well.

Sep 24 - Oct 23 - BOILED PEANUTS
You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man.
Unfortunately, those who know you best
-your friends and loved ones -
may find that your personality is much too salty,
and their criticism will probably affect you deeply
because you are really much softer than you appear.
You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to
because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life.
On the road of life, you can be sure that people
will always pull over and stop for you.

Oct 24 - Nov 22 - BUTTER BEAN
Always invite a Butter Bean because
Butter Beans get along well with everybody.
You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud.
You've grown on the vine of life and
you feel at home no matter what the setting.
You can sit next to anybody.
However, you, too,
shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.

Nov 23 - Dec 21 - ARMADILLO
You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior,
but you are actually quite gentle.
A good evening for you?
Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects.
You are a throwback.
You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends.
You're not concerned with anything about today.
You're really almost prehistoric
in your interests and behavior patterns.
You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but
Possum is another, somewhat kinky, mating possibility.

WARNING: Survey Scam

I hate hoax warnings, but this one is important!
Send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list!

If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a
survey & asks you to take your clothes off, do not do it!

This is a scam; they only want to see you naked.

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday.

I feel so stupid now..

The President & the Call Girl

One day about a month ago,

George Bush was looking for a call girl.

He found three such ladies in a local lounge -

a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead.

To the blonde he said,

"I am the President of the United States....

How much would it cost me to spend some time with you?

The blonde replied, "Two hundred dollars."

To the brunette he posed the same question,

and she replied, "One hundred dollars."

He then asked the redhead the same question.

The redhead replied, "Mr. President,

if you can raise my skirt as high as my taxes......

get my panties as low as my wages.......

get that thing of yours as hard as the times.....

keep it as high as the gas prices.....

keep me warmer than my apartment....


screw me in private as well as you do in public,

then believe me Mr. President,

it ain't gonna cost you a red cent."

Big & Little Things

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from El Paso to San Diego.

The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats
have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.

So the boy walked back to the flight attendant and asked, "If
big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded,"Did your mother tell you to ask me

The boy said, "Yes, she did."

"Well then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time.

Have your mother explain that to you."

The Funeral Procession

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash.

Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.

The woman couldn't stand her curiosity.

She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said,

"I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My husband's."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

A Woman's Prayer:

Dear Lord, I pray for:

Wisdom, To understand a man

Love, To forgive him and

Patience, For his moods

Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength

I'll just beat him to death.

Two Robins

Two robins were sitting in a tree.

"I'm really hungry," said the first one.

"Let's fly down and find some lunch."

They flew down to the ground

and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground

that was full of worms.

They ate and ate and ate

'till they could eat no more.

"I'm so full, I don't think I can fly

back up into the tree,"

said the first Robin.

"Let's just lay back here and bask

in the warm sun," said the second.

"OK," said the first.

So they plopped down, basking in the sun.

No sooner than they had fallen asleep,

when a big fat tomcat came

and gobbled them up.

As the cat sat washing his face

after his meal, he thought...


The Wong Family

The Wong Family, Su Wong
marries Lee Wong. The next
year the Wong's have a new baby. The nurse
brings over
a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely Caucasian,
baby boy! "Congratulations," says the nurse to
the new parents. "Well Mr.
Wong, what will you and Mrs
Wong name the baby?" The puzzled father looks
at his
new baby boy and says, "Well, two Wong's don't make a
white, so
I think we will name him Sum Ting Wong."

The True Origin of the Internet

n ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called 'Amazon Dot Com.'

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO," said Abraham.

And that is how it all began. It wasn't Al Gore after all.

Why God Created Children (and in the process grandchildren)

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or is something to make you chuckle. Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!!!!!"

"No Way!"

"Yes way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.


"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked! "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?" said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it!" Adam said

"Did not!"

"Did too!"


Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY! If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.



Inanimate Objects

If you're like most people, common everyday items look neutral to you. But what you may not know is that many of them have a gender. For example:
1) Ziploc Bags -- Male, because they hold everything in but you can see right through them.

2) Copier -- Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and often it's over inflated.

4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges -- Female, because they're soft and squeezable and retain water.

6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8) Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10) Remote Control -- Female-- Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

As I've Matured.....

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.....

I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.

I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.

I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back.

I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are

I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it

I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

And the real pains in the ass are permanent.

Pass this along to 5 me,

they'll appreciate it.

Who knows,maybe something good will happen.

If not...tough!

Cut from the "Lotus Totus" chain mail

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their
conversational skills will be as important as any other.

THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.

FOUR. When you say, "I love you," mean it.

FIVE. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.

SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.

EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't
have much.

NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way
to live life completely.

TEN.. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.

ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.

TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.

THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile
and ask, "Why do you want to know?"

FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great

FIFTEEN. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.

SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson

SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and
Responsibility for all your actions.

EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to
correct it.

TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your

TWENTY-ONE. Spend some time alone.

The Good Wife

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.." The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?" "I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

Brain Cramps

- Actual Quotes From Famous People -

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"

--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.


"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."

--Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"

--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokes person for federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."

-Winston Bennett,

University of Kentucky basketball forward.


"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."

--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.


"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."

--Hillary Clinton,

commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.


"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."

--A congressional candidate in Texas.

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."

--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

--Al Gore, Vice President (DUH)

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."

--Dan Quayle


"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"

--Lee Iacocca
"The word 'genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein."

--Joe Theisman,

NFL football quarterback &sports analyst.


"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."

--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

--Bill Clinton, President

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."

--Al Gore, VP (darn, he's smart)

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."

--Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."

--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."

--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
....Feeling smarter yet?

Thursday, July 01, 2004

Forgive Your Enemies?

The preacher's Sunday sermon was, 'Forgive Your Enemies.'
He asked, how many have forgiven their enemies? About half held up their hands.
He then repeated his question. Now about 80% held up their hands.

He then repeated his question again. All responded, except one elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" asked the preacher.

"I don't have any.", she replied.

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?" asked the preacher.

"Ninety-three."- she replied.

"Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can not have an enemy in the world."
asked the preacher.

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, and said, "It's easy. I just outlived all those bitches."

The Biker Bar

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.
Looking around, he sees 3 men sitting at a corner table.
He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks at the biggest, meanest one in the face and says, "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is a fine looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.
His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker, and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad, but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,
"I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders and says,

"Grandpa, you're drunk....... Go home!"

Her Choice

An old lady dies and goes to heaven.

She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.

"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings.

"The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.

Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.

"Oh my God, "says the old lady, "now what is happening?"

"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."

"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."

"You can't go there, "says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized."

"Maybe so," says the old lady,

"but I've already got the holes drilled for that."

Where's the $1.00?

Can you figure this out??


ADD THE $2 THAT THE BELLBOY KEPT = $29. (27+2=29)


Getting in Shape

I cordially invite each and every one of you to join me in this new exercise plan and get in shape for the coming year -

Here's the exercise program I am using to stay in shape this year.

You might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient.

It may be too strenuous for some.





Okay. That's enough for the first day.

Why Women are Crabby

We start to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find anything that comes in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurts so bad it brings us to tears. Enter the almighty, uncomfortable training bra contraption the boys in school will snap until we have calluses on our backs.

Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we now bloat, we cramp, we get the hormone crankies, have to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.

Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) is having sex for the first time which is about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.

Then it's off to Motherhood where we learn to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we don't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learn to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we're having Rosemary's Baby. Our once flat bellies now look like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee our pants every time we sneeze.

When the big moment arrives, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions will invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we'll waddle with our big cartoon feet moaning in pain all the way to the ER. Then it's huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more (or 10 ) good push," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the bastard (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10lb bowling ball through a keyhole.

After that, it's time to raise those angels only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morph into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines. The teen years. Need I say more?

The kids are almost grown now and we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our mid-30's to early 40's while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday (which just happens to be the reason all that early hot man sex got you pregnant in the first place).

Now we hit the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take the HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.

Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men when men get off so easy INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...

Now I love being a woman but "Womanhood" would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby. Women are the "weaker sex"? Yeah right. Bite me.

Three Traveling Men

Three young men were traveling and happened to meet
at a bar in Ohio. One man was from Massachusetts, one
from California and one from New Jersey. They got
acquainted and started talking about their problems
with their new wives, and their wifely duties.

The guy from Massachusetts began by saying "I told my
wife clearly that she would have to do all of the cooking. Well, the first day after I told her, I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing, but on the third day when I came home from work, the table was set, and a wonderful dinner was prepared with wine and dessert."

Then the man from California spoke up "I sat my wife
down and told her that she would have to do all the grocery shopping and all of the house cleaning. The first day I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But the third day, when I came home, the whole house was spotless, and in the pantry the shelves were filled with groceries."

The fellow from New Jersey was married to a woman
who had been born and raised in Jersey City. He sat up
straight on the bar stool, pushed out his chest and said. "I gave my wife a stern look and told her that from this day on she would have to do the cooking, shopping and house cleaning, and it better be good. Well, the first day I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But by the third day, I could see a little bit out of my left eye."

Even God Enjoys a Good Laugh

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone "brother".
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Hillbilly:
1. He made "moonshine" wine.
2. He ate using his fingers.
3. He rode bareback on a donkey.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work to do.

The Pope, Billy Graham, & Oral Roberts

The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Pacific Ocean. They all died and went to heaven together.

"Oh, this is terrible," exclaims St. Peter. "I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. Since we weren't expecting you, your quarters just aren't ready... We can't take you in and we can't send you back..."

Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, "Lucifer, this is St. Peter. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we weren't expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for 'em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It'll only be a few of days. What d'ya say?"

Reluctantly, the Devil agreed.

However, two days later... St. Peter got a call.

"Pete, this is Lucifer. Hey, you gotta come get these guys. This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody, the Graham guy is saving everybody, and that Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning."