Saturday, January 07, 2006

The Price of Brains

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.

"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain
transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky
but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news.

After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward.

Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the
question everyone wanted to ask,

"Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. First of all, male brains are harder to come by, and secondly,
we have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."


On their wedding night, the young bride approached her
new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first
lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state her
husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love,
for the next 30 years, with him thinking that it was a
cute way for her to afford new clothes and other
incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home aroundnoon one day, she was surprised to
find her husband in a very drunken state. During the
next few minutes, he explained that his employer was
going through a process of corporate downsizing, and
he had been let go. It was unlikely that at the age of
55, he'd be able to find another position that paid
anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore,
they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed
thirty years of deposits and interest totaling nearly
$1 million. Then she showed him certificates of
deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2
million, and informed him that they were one of the
largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for
the 30 years she had charged him for sex, these
holdings had multiplied and these were the results of
her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over
$3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
barely speak, but finally he found his voice and
blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!"

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep
their mouths shut.....

The Italian Tomato Garden

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his
tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to
plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be
digging up a garden plot. If you were here my troubles would be
over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I
buried the BODIES.
Love Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They
apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do
under the circumstances.
Love Vinnie


An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face was sprinkled
with bright freckles, spent the day at the zoo.

Lots of children were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted by a
local artist who was decorating them with tiger paws.

"You've got so many freckles, there's no place to paint!" a girl in
the line said to the little fella.

Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head.

His grandmother knelt down next to him. "I love your freckles. When I
was a little girl I always wanted freckles," she said, while tracing
her finger across the child's cheek. "Freckles are beautiful!"

The boy looked up, "Really?"

"Of course," said the grandmother.

"Why just name me one thing that's prettier than freckles."

The little boy thought for a moment, peered intensely into his
grandma's face, and softly whispered, "Wrinkles."


After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man
on her nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no," she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

"That's me before the surgery."

Disorder in the Court!

Oh those tricky lawyer questions!

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Word Play

1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The
ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my
electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes,
I'm positive..."

3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve
you, but don't start anything."

4. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't
serve food in here."

5. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

6. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and
says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this
taste funny to you?"

8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That
sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's Not Unusual."

9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to
Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe
you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing
to look at either.

11. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's
cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the
vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines
his eyes. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."

13. Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there
are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either
my mom or my dad or maybe my older brother Calvin or my younger
brother Ho-Chin. But I'm pretty sure it's Calvin.

14. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.

15. I went to the butcher's the other day to bet him 50 bucks that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks
are too high."

16. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know
you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

17. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

18. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a
fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and
heat it too.

19. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

As We Slide Down the Banister of Life

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an
impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More
Than Lay People."

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss... the
Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash
and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door
is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat
folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it
really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable.
Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash
out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the
whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending
machines and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic
might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told
me all I needed was turn signal fluid."

11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a
prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like
putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went
to see how he was and found him writing frantically on
a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be cured and
he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will?
What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to

13. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for
enjoying sex.



Three Nuns

Three nuns died and went to heaven. St. Peter met them at the gate
and told them that since they had been so very good in their past
lives, God was going to let them go back and be whoever they wanted to

The first nun was very flat-chested and she asked to be Dolly Parton.
Poof! She was Dolly!

The second nun was very shy, so she asked to be Hilary Clinton, and so
she was sent back as Hilary.

The last nun looked at St. Peter and asked to be Alice Kapipaleen.
Peter said that he was unfamiliar with that person, so he had to go
look the name up in his records. He came back a while later and told
the nun that there had never been anyone born by that name. The nun
reached into her purse and pulled out a newspaper clipping. "Maybe
this will help", she said. Peter read the article, laughed out loud
and said, "Sister, that was the Alaskan Pipeline that was laid by
50,000 men!"

For the Tribe

A bishop discovered a tribe of Indians in the Yukon who had never recorded
a baptism, confirmation or marriage. The bishop soon rectified the
situation by baptizing and confirming everyone. He also married every
couple that walked by and desired such.

Later, the tribal chief told the Bishop the tribe had never had so much
fun. The bishop asked the chief which part they enjoyed the most.

"The marriage service," the chief said, smiling. "We all got new wives!"

Proving It

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of
the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag,
the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the
shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier
refused and said, "because I don't believe you are over 21".

The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him
because he didn't believe him.

At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and
gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was
in fact over 21 and he put the Scotch in the bag.

The robber then ran from the store with his loot.

The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of
the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours

Doctor’s Orders

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his
checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said,
"Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with
horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will
surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant,
and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious
meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice
meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his
stress. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his
stress worse.”

The doctor continued, “Try to relax your husband in the evening by
wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to
watch some type of team sporting event on television. And most
importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and
satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a
year, I think your husband will regain his health."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor

"You're going to die," she replied.

New Wine Type

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produces
Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new
hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to reduce
the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during
the night.

The new wine will be marketed as Pino More.

Limited Time Left

The middle-aged man was visibly shaken when his Doctor advised that he
had only 6 month's to live because of the terminal disease that was
detected during a recent physical check-up. The Doctor suggested that
he should get his "house in order", make sure his will was current and
ensure all final arrangements were in place for the funeral. He should
then make plans to enjoy what might be left of his life, to the

"What will you do for the last six months?" asked the Doctor.

His patient thought for a few minutes then replied, "I think I'll go
and live with my mother-in-law".

Surprised by the answer, the doctor asked, "Of all people, why in the
would you want to live with your mother-in-law?"

"Because it'll be the longest six months of my life."

Simple Instructions

Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to
speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had

"Sidney thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died,
Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes.
'Tillie,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three
envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have
instructed. Then, I can rest in peace'."

"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.

"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this
money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket
with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very

"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this
for a nice funeral.' I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and
bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending."

"And the third envelope?" asked her friends.

"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to
buy a nice stone'." Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said, "So, do
you like my stone?" showing off her ten-carat diamond ring.

Punny Chicken

A chicken walks into a library and straight up to the librarian. The
chicken says "book, book" so the librarian humors the chicken and
gives him a book. Off goes the chicken out the door.

Next day the same thing happens. And the third day too. Getting a
little curious, the librarian follows the chicken on the fourth day,
all across town to a swampy lake. At the lake he sees the chicken
drops the book in front of a frog, who promptly says "Redit, redit."

High-End Bathroom

Before the 2001 inauguration of George Bush, he was invited to a "get
acquainted tour" of the White House. After drinking several glasses of
iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.
When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see
that President Clinton had a solid gold urinal.

That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just
think," he said, "when I am president, I too could have a gold urinal,
too. But I wouldn't do something that self-induligible."

Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White
House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery
of the fact that, in the President's private bathroom, the President
had a gold urinal.

That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed,
Hillary smiled, and said to Bill, "I found out who peed in your

Secret Password

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords
by writing them on Post-it notes. I noticed their Disney password was
"MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.

"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four

Blonde vs. Blonde

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car
and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license.

She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has you on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it
to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

Dog Has To Go

The train was quite crowded, and the U. S. Marine walked the entire
length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a
well-dressed middle-aged French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine
asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular,
"Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was
under that dog.

"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant."

This time the Marine didn't say a word, he just picked up the little
dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked,
"Someone must defend my honor. Put this American in his place."

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans
often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the
fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the
road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong female dog out the

Gripe Sheet

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe
sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The
mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form,
and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas'
pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S)
by maintenance engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

Old Injury

Andy came to work one day, limping something awful. One of his
co-workers, Josh, noticed and asked Andy what happened.

Andy replied, "Oh, nothing. It's just an old hockey injury that acts
up once in a while."

Josh, "Gee, I never knew you played hockey."

Andy, "No I don't. I hurt it last year when I lost $100 on the Stanley
Cup play-offs. I put my foot through the television."

Meeting the Parents

A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents
of the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite
nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived
punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress. The
problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through
the appetizers, the young man realized he couldn't hold it in one
second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped.

"Spot," called out the young woman's mother to the family dog, lying
at the young man's feet. Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the
young man let another, slightly larger one go.

"Spot," she called out sharply.

"I've got it made," thought the fellow to himself. "One more and I'll
feel fine." So he let loose a really big one.

"Spot," shrieked the mother. "Get over here before he poops on you."

Letter from Grandma

Dear Grandson,

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk
if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy
that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance,
followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and
put it on my bumper.

Boy, I'm glad I did. What an uplifting experience that followed. I was
stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought
about the Lord and how good He is ...and I didn't notice that the
light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because
if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting
there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned
out of his window and screamed, "For the love of God. Go. Go. Jesus
Christ, Go." What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus. Everyone
started honking. I just leaned out of my window and started waving and
smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times
to share in the love.

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him
yelling something about a "sunny beach." I saw another guy waving in a
funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. Then I
asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said
that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well,
I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave
him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing... why,
even he was enjoying this religious experience.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they
wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I
noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and
brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I
was the only car that got through the intersection before the light
changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after
all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of
the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time
as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks.


All In the Equipment

An amateur photographer was invited to dinner with friends and took
along a few pictures to show the hostess. She looked at the photos and
commented, "These are very good. You must have a good camera."

He didn't make any reply, but, as he was leaving to go home he said,
"That was a delicious meal. You must have some very good pots."

New Drink

A couple of drinking buddies, who are airplane mechanics, are in the
hangar at SFO. The runway is fogged in and they have nothing to do.
One of them says to the other, "Man, have you got anything?"

The second guy says, "Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, that it
will kinda give you a buzz."

So they do drink it, get smashed and have a beautiful time ... as only
drinking buddies can. The following morning, one of them wakes up
figuring that his head will explode if he gets up. Nevertheless, he
gets up and is surprised to find that he feels good; in fact, he feels

The phone rings. It's his buddy asking him how he feels.

"I feel great," he says.

His buddy agrees, saying, "I feel great too. You don't have a hangover

"No," he replies. "That jet fuel is great stuff ... no hangover. We
ought to do this more often."

"Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing..."

"What's that?"

"Did you fart yet?"

"Well, don't, cause I'm in Phoenix."

Army Emphasis

At one Army base, the monthly trip to the rifle range had been
canceled for the second month in a row, but the biweekly physical
fitness test was still on as planned.

One soldier mused, "Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn't
seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested
in how fast we can run?"

Mommy Test

I was out walking with my 4-year-old daughter. She picked up something
off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item
away from her and I asked her not to do that.
"Why?" my daughter asked.

"Because it's been laying outside, you don't know where it's been,
it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and
asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"

"Uh," ...I was thinking quickly, "All moms know this stuff. It's on
the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently
pondering this new information. "OH...I get it," she beamed, "So if
you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy."

"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face and joy in my

Fantastic Firefighting

One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started
inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded
into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments
for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical
company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our
secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must
be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them
out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire
departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As
the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now
$100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's
secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came
into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire
company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To
everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by
these Norwegians, passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside
the plant and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped
off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never
seen before. Within a short time, the Norse old timers had
extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. The grateful
chemical company president joyfully announced that for such a
superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and he walked
over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, Norse fire

The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on
film asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "da furst thing
ve do is fix da brakes on dat truck."

Call for Help


"Help. Send someone over quickly," the old woman screamed into the phone. "Two naked bikers are climbing up toward my bedroom window."

"This is the Fire Department, lady," the voice replied. "I'll have to transfer you to the Police Department."

"No, it's YOU I want." she yelled. "They need a longer ladder."

Burial Place

A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why? Why would you spend $5000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful for her to rest here in the Holy Land, at the cost of only $150?"

The son-in-law says, "A man died here about 2000 years ago. He was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't convince myself to take that chance..."

Dog & Cat Diaries

Excerpts From A Dog's Daily Diary:

8:00 a.m. Oh, boy - Dog food - My favorite
9:30 a.m. Oh, boy - A car ride - My favorite
9:40 a.m. Oh, boy - A walk - My favorite
10:30 a.m. Oh, boy - Getting rubbed and petted - My favorite
11:30 a.m. Oh, boy - Dog food - My favorite
Noon Oh, boy - The kids - My favorite
1:00 p.m. Oh, boy - The yard - My favorite
4:00 p.m. Oh, boy - To the park - My favorite
5:00 p.m. Oh, boy - Dog food - My favorite
5:30 p.m. Oh, boy - Pretty Mums - My favorite
6:00 p.m. Oh, boy - Playing ball - My favorite
6:30 a.m. Oh, boy - Watching TV with my master - My favorite
8:30 p.m. Oh, boy - Sleeping in master's bed - My favorite

Excerpts From A Cat's Daily Diary:

Day 183 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded -- must try this at the top of the stairs.

In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair; must try this on their bed.

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts... They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured.

But I can wait, it is only a matter of time now...

Senior Pickup Line

An elderly gentleman, very well dressed, in his mid-90s with hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well-cared-for image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

Seated at the bar is an elderly lady in her mid-80s, also well dressed and attractive, sitting alone.

The gentleman walks over, sits down beside her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

Cow vs. Pig

For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free."

Here's an update for you...Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage.


Because women realize its not worth buying an entire pig... just to get a little sausage.

Dry Cleaner

A traveling salesman was passing through a rural town in Vermont and decided to take a little time out in order to have some clothes cleaned in a hurry.

The town only had three streets so he was able to quickly locate a shop with a sign that read, "Cleaning and Pressing, 24-Hour Service."

After giving the man his suit, he said, "I'll be back for it tomorrow."

"Won't be ready till Saturday," replied the proprietor.

"But I thought you had 24-hour service," the customer protested.

"I do, son," the proprietor said.

"But I only work eight hours a day. Today's Thursday, plus Friday and Saturday, that's 24 hours."

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Law Story


A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy.

The lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued.. and WON! (Stay with me here.)

In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer "held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."


After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the First place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.


New Secretary

Two law partners hire a new cute, young secretary and a contest arises between them as to who can bed her first, even though they're both already married. Eventually one of them scores with her and his partner is quite eager to hear how things went. "So what did you think?" he asks.

"Ahh," replies the first lawyer, "my wife is better."

Some time goes by, and then the second lawyer goes to bed with the secretary. "So," asks the first guy, "what did you think?"

The second guy replies, "You were right, your wife is better."


A man went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather and while eating the breakfast of eggs and bacon prepared for him, he noticed a film-like substance on his plate. So he says, "Grandfather, are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replies, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal."

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed many little black specks around the edge of his plate, so again he asked, "Grandfather are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up from his burger, the grandfather says, "I told you those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore."

Well, later that day, they were on their way out to get dinner. As he was leaving the house, grandfather's dog, who was lying on the floor,started to growl and would not let him pass.

"Grandfather, your dog won't let me out."

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching, his grandfather shouted, "Coldwater, get your butt out of the way."

Hard Sell

An Egyptian man is walking through the Cairo bazaar, when a stranger comes up to him and offers to sell Viagra for 100 Egyptian pounds.

"No, not worth it."

"OK, how about 50 Egyptian pounds?"

"No, not worth it."

"OK, 20?"

"No, not worth it."

"How about 10?"

"No, not worth it."

"Listen, these pills cost US $10 each. How can you say they are not worth it?"

"Oh, the pills are worth it. My wife isn't."

History of the Telephone

German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nation-wide telephone network.

Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down, they found small pieces of glass and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide fiber network.

Irish scientists were outraged. They dug 200 meters underground, but found absolutely nothing. They concluded that the ancient Irish 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

From the Police Blotter

Do-It-Yourself Brain Surgery:
In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.

Did I Say That:
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a line-up. When detectives asked each man in the line-up to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "That's not what I said."

Are We Communicating:
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart." "Is this her first child?"The doctor asked. "No, you idiot," the man shouted, "This is her husband."


Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

A famous Norwegian explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I mus thave taken Leif off my census".

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.


When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three-year-old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.

She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat."

I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."

"I know," she replied, "but what's growing in your butt?"

Small Bill to Pay

A guy got a credit card bill stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it but next month he got another one stating they were going to cancel his credit card if he didn't send them $0.00. He called them, talked to them, they said it was a glitch and told him they'd take care of it.

The following month he tried to charge something and couldn't. He called the credit card company who again said they would take care of it. The next day he got his bill for $0.00 stating that he was very delinquent.

So he thought he had a solution. He mailed the credit card company a check for $0.00, and the credit card company's computer processed it,noting that his account was now paid in full.

A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. He explained and they said, "Well, your $0.00 check has caused our check processing software to fail. We now can't process ANY of our checks from that day electronically because that $0.00 check has caused the program to abort. We are closing your account."

The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.

Bathroom Scale

Two youngsters were closely examining bathroom scales on display at the department store.

"Have you ever seen one of these before?" one asked.

"Yeah, my mom and dad have one," the other replied.

"What's it for?"

"I don't know," the second boy answered. "I think you stand on it and it makes you mad."

Dying Confession

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.

Her praying roused him from his slumber; He looked up and his pale
lips began to move slightly.

"Becky my darling" he whispered.

"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."

He was insistent, "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have
something that I must confess."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "Everything's
all right, go to sleep."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister,
your best friend, her best friend, and your mother."

"I know, sweetheart;" whispered Becky, "relax, let the poison work."

Game Warden's Stop

A game warden pulls his motorboat up along side a man sitting quietly with a pole in his hand.

"Doing a little fishing, are we?" the warden says.

The man, painfully aware of his lack of a fishing license answered,"No sir. Just drowning worms."

Credit Card

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I hadn't signed my name on the back of the credit card.

She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt.

So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.