Monday, December 06, 2004

Test Group

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at
the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes
over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted
with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep
with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he
slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She
smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm
a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond
to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean

Late Night Quote

Madonna said today that we should pull all of our troops out of Iraq.
Donald Rumsfeld said, "No, I think we'd better wait and hear what
Britney Spears has to say about it first." - Jay Leno

Lessons from Mom

My mother taught me LOGIC...
"Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT...
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.

My mother taught me IRONY...
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS...
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM...
"Will you just look at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA...
"You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER...
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY...
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE...
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION...
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY...
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do!"

At the Gates

3 men died and went to heaven. St. Peter met them at the heavenly
gates and told them they were having a Christmas special. He said if
they had something on them that represented Christmas, then they could
get into heaven, no questions asked.

The first man reached into his pocket and pulled out a lighter. He
said, "This represent candles." St. Peter said, "Fine, come on in."

The second man reached into his pockets and pulled out his keys. He
said, "These represent bells." St. Peter said, "Great, come on in."

The third man reached in his pockets and dug deep. Finally, he pulled
out a pair of panties. He looked at St. Peter and said, "These are

Dictionary of Dating

DATING: The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and
energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't
especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in
the future.

EYE CONTACT: A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a
man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so,
many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not
necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a
woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND: A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some
flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE: A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by
the man as "playing hard to get."

IRRITATING HABIT: What the endearing little qualities that initially
attract two people to each other turn into after a few months

SOBER: A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT: What occurs when two extremely horny, but not
entirely choosy people meet.

LAW OF RELATIVITY: How attractive a given person appears to be is
directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

Three Old Men

Three old men were sitting around and talking.

The 80-year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me would
just to be able to have a good pee. I stand there for 20 minutes, and
it dribbles and hurts. I have to go over and over again."

The 85-year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me is if I
could have one good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I
can get my hands on and it's still a problem."

Then the 90-year-old said, "That's not my problem. Every morning at 6
a.m. sharp, I have a good long pee. At 6:30 a.m. sharp, I have a great
bowel movement. The best thing that could happen to me would be if I
could wake up before 7 a.m."

Baptising a Drunk

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon
down by the river.

He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the
Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says,
"Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher. I sure am."

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right
back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.

"No, I didn't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him
up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"No, I did not Reverend."

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 second
this time brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone,

"My God, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sure
this is where he fell in?"

Bend Her Over

A woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man.

The man said, "I must have you right now! I'll drop 500 dollars on the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up I can have my way with you from behind!"

The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute.

She called her girlfriend on her cell phone
and told her about the man's proposition.

Her girlfriend said,
"When he drops the $500 on the ground
I'm sure you can pick it up and run
before he gets his pants down.
Call me back and tell me what happened."

An hour and a half later the lady called her girlfriend back.

"What happened?" the girlfriend asked.

The lady said, "That M. F. had $500 in quarters!"

You Know Your Church is a Redneck Church if...

1) The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

2) People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

3) When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.

4) Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

5) A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

6) The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".

7) In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

8) Baptism is referred to as "branding".

9) High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.

10) People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

11) The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub.

12) The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

13) The collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.

14) Instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call.

15) The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

16) The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".

17) "Thou shalt not covet" applies to hunting dogs, too.

18) The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now! Ya' hear?"


One night, a torrential rain soaked South Louisiana.

The next morning the resulting floodwaters came up
about 6 feet into most of the homes.

Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her
neighbor, Mrs.Thibodeaux, waiting for help to come.

Mrs. Thibodeaux noticed a baseball cap floating near
the house, then she saw it float far out into the front! yard then float back to the house.
It kept floating away from the house then back towards
the house.

Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs.
Boudreaux, "Do you see dat dere baseball cap a floatin' away from the house, den back again?"

Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yeah, dass my husban, I tole dat jackass he gonna cut the grass today come hell or high water."

Sensitive Men

Sensitive men do exist

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar.
They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They get back to his apartment and she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.
Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher,
and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is surprised that this guy would have a
collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so
extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him,
and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
She turns to him ... they kiss ... and then they
rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love.
After an intense night of passion with this sensitive
guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow,
the woman rolls over and asks, smiling,
"Well, how was it?"

The guy says:

"Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

The Night of Thanksgiving

A little late, but here goes:

Twas the night of Thanksgiving,
but I just couldn't sleep...
I tried counting backwards,
I tried counting sheep.
The leftovers beckoned...the dark meat and white,
but I fought the temptation with all of my might.
Tossing and turning with anticipation,
the thought of a snack became infatuation.
So, I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door
and gazed at the fridge, full of goodies galore.
I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,
stuffing with gravy, green beans and tomatoes.
I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,
till all of a sudden, I rose off the ground.
I crashed through the ceiling, floating into the sky
with a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie
But, I managed to yell as I soared past the trees...
Happy eating to all -- pass the cranberries, please.

Turkey Football

The pro football team had just finished their daily practice
session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the
players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and
demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught
pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the
turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're
terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a
huge bonus."

"Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, does the
season go past Thanksgiving Day?"

It was like this, Your Honor...

I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I was met with, "Hi,I'm Belinda!"
This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, "All I need you to do is step into this room here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. 'Everything clear?"
I'm thinking, "Belinda ... try decaf. This ain't rocket science."
Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.
Call me crazy, but I suspect a man invented this machine.
It takes a perfectly healthy cup size of 36-B to a size 38-LONG. Also, girls are made of sugar and spice and
everything nice...we are NOT Spandex. We can't be stretched, pulled and twisted over a cold 4-inch piece of
square glass and still pop back into shape.
Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said,
"Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?"
"Fine," I answered.
I was freezing, bruised and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off?
My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other boob wedged between those two 4" pieces of square
glass) when we heard, then felt, a zap!
Complete darkness and the power went off!
"What?" I yelled.
"Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag."
Belinda headed for the door.
"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone, are you?" I shouted.
Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy... the door's
wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back"
Before I could shout, NOOOO!" she disappeared.
And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men
extraordinaire, found me, half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass!
After exchanging polite "Hi, how's it going"
type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked,
to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.
Trying to disguise my hysteria I replied with as much calmness as possible.
"Uh, yes...yes I did, thanks."
"You bet, take care," Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.
Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin.
Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said,
"Oh I am soooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"
And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps.


A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw
her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear
that suit."

"And why not, darling?" He asked.

"You know it always gives you a headache the next morning."

Three Envelopes

A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech
corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and
presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up
against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales
took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his
wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took
out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."
The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at
the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the
press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick
up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in
sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his
previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The
message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again
fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door
and opened the third envelope. The message said, "Prepare three

A Question

Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than to
improving their minds?

(answer is in the comments)

On Stage

The Queen and the Pope are on stage together at a huge charity event.
Obviously, they've both done this sort of thing many times before, so
to make it a little more interesting the Queen says to the Pope, "How
about a wager? I bet I can make every British person in this crowd go
wild with just one little wave of my hand."

The Pope agrees and the Queen waves her hand. Sure enough, the royal
wave elicits rapturous applause and cheering from all the Brits in the

The Pope, not wishing to be outdone by someone wearing a worse frock
and hat than him, says to the Queen, "That was impressive. How about
another wager? I bet I can make every Irish person in this crowd go
crazy with joy merely with a nod of my head. But it won't just last
for a minute. This joy will last for months and be talked about for

The Queen is skeptical. "One nod of your head? Show me."

So the Pope head-butts her.

20 Years

A woman awakens during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee and asks solemnly, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?"
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring
and sensitive. "Yes I do," she replies.
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued...
"Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to
jail for 20 years'?"
"I remember that too" she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said,
"I would have gotten out today."

Stuff Found on Bathroom Walls

1. Why are you reading this? The joke is in your hand.
2. Any weenie can piss on the floor. Be a hero and poop on the
3. The future is in your hands!
4. Some come here to sit and think. Some come here to s*** and tink.
But I come here to scratch my balls And read the junk that’s on the
5. Written at the very bottom of a bathroom door in very small
printing... I had to lean WAY forward to read it... It said: 'You are
now pooping at a 45 degree angle!'
6. This toilet paper is like John Wayne: it's tough, it's rough... and
it doesn't take crap from anyone.
7. Please do not throw cigarette buts in this urinal: it makes them
soggy and hard to light.
8. Sign on condom vending machine: 'My dad says these don't work.'

Three Sisters

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night
the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She
yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94-year old-yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She
starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening
to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get
that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help
both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."


I can sizzle like bacon,
I am made with an egg,
I have plenty of backbone, but lack a good leg,
I peel layers like onions, but still remain whole,
I can be long, like a flagpole, yet fit in a hole,
What am I?

(answer is in the comments)

Life - Explained

On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten."
So God agreed.

On the second day God created the monkey. God said,
"Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"
And God agreed.

On the third day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty."
And God agreed again.

On the forth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years."
Man said, "What? Only twenty years! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back and the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks
to entertain the grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.
Enjoy it!


This has got to be one of the most clever E-mails
I've received in awhile.

Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.

When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM

When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER

When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT

When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE

When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS

When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME

When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY

When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER

When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE

When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE

When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE

Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay too much time on their hands!
Bet your friends haven't seen this one!!!

Thursday, December 02, 2004

Signs You Went Nuts on Thanksgiving

1. You spill more food on you than the local soup kitchen dispenses
2. Paramedics bring in the Jaws of Life to pry you out of the EZ-Boy
3. Your after dinner moans are loud enough to signal Dr. Kevorkian
4. The "Gravy Boat" your wife set out was a real 12' boat!
5. The potatoes you used set off another famine in Ireland
6. You get grass stains on your butt after a walk, but you never sat down
7. Your "Big Elvis Super-Belt" won't even go around your waist
8. You receive a Sumo Wrestler application in your e-mail
9. You set off 3 earthquake seismographs on your morning jog Friday
10. Pricking your finger for cholesterol screening only yielded gravy
11. You have 5 TV sets side-by-side to catch all the football games
12. A guest quotes a Biblical passage from "The Feeding of the 5000"
13. That rash on your stomach turns out to be steering wheel burn
14. Your wife wears a life jacket at night in your waterbed
15. Representatives from the Butterball Hall of Fame called twice
16. You consider gluttony as your patriotic duty
17. It looks like the leftovers are gonna last until Christmas
18. Your arms are too short to reach the keyboard & delete this

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

Good Chicken

A truck driver is barreling down the road at 80 miles per hour and he
looks over and sees a three legged chicken racing right along with
him. He can't believe what he's seeing, but he speeds up to 100 miles
per hour to see what would happen. Sure enough, the chicken catches
up with him.

"Wow," says the truck driver, and he floors it to 120 miles per hour.
This time the chicken not only catches up but leaves him in the dust
and goes on down the road. Stunned, the trucker pulls into a gas
station and tells the attendant what happened.

"Oh yeah," says the attendant, "that's farmer Brown and his
three-legged chickens. He's got a whole farm full of them. His farm
is right down the road if you want to see them."

The trucker has to see this. Sure enough, as he pulls into the farm,
he sees hundreds of three-legged chickens all over the place. He
approaches the farmer and asks what's going on. The farmer tells him
that it was a freak birth, but he realized what a wonderful sales
gimmick this would be.

"How many times have you wished you had that third chicken leg for the
kid left over or for granny?"

The trucker thought it over and said, "Yeah, that is a great idea, but
do they taste good?"

The farmer scratches his head and says, "Don't know, can't catch 'em."

The Vet's Revenge

One hot July day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny & hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her & put her in a carrier & took her to the vet.

The Vet decided to keep her for a day or so & said he would let us know when we could come & get her. My husband (the complainer) said, " OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks". And he reminded the vet that it was his wife that wanted the dirty cat, not him!. My husband & my Vet don't see eye to eye. He calls my husband El-Cheap-O. My husband calls him El-Take-0. They love to hate each other.

Next day my husband had an appointment with his Doctor, which was located next door to the Vet. The Doctor's office was full of people waiting to see the doctor.

A side door opened & in leaned the Vet, he had obviously seen my husband arrive.
He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, "Your Wife's Pussy is finally clean & shaved. She now smells like a rose. And by the way, I think she's pregnant. God knows who the father is!"
And he closed the door.

Now, that's getting even!

My, How Times Change

1974: Long hair
2004: Longing for hair

1974: KEG
2004: EKG

1974: Acid rock
2004: Acid reflux

1974: Moving to California because it's cool
2004: Moving to California because it's warm

1974: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2004: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1974: Seeds and stems
2004: Roughage

1974: Hoping for a BMW
2004: Hoping for a BM

1974: The Grateful Dead
2004: Dr. Kevorkian

1974: Going to a new, hip joint
2004: Receiving a new hip joint

1974: Rolling Stones
2004: Kidney Stones

1974: Being called into the principal's office
2004: Calling the principal's office

1974: Screw the system
2004: Upgrade the system

1974: Disco
2004: Costco

1974: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2004: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1974: Passing the drivers' test
2004: Passing the vision test

1974: Whatever
2004: Depends

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen.

Here's this year's list:

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1986. They are too young to remember the first space shuttle blowing up.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

The CD was introduced the year they were born.

They have always had an answering machine.

They have always had cable.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard:
"Where's the Beef?",
"I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or
"de plane, Boss, de plane".

They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.

McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Do you feel old yet?

Hey, Abbott!!!

If computers had been around at the time, Bud Abbott and Lou Costello's infamous sketch "Who's on first?" might have turned out something like this:


ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.


COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.


COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?


COSTELLO: For my office?


COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say I'm sitting at my Computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?


COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. can I watch them?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue "1".

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?

ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!

ABBOTT: No, just one. But it' s the most popular Word in the world.


ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.

COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.

COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?



ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START"..........

The Miracle of Toilet Paper

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion:

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and I stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
"How long will this take?" I ask.

"They will grow larger over a period of
years," he replies.

I stop.

"Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says,

"Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

Dumb Robbers

Two idiots rob a bank and all they get away with are two sacks, so
they keep one each. After awhile they meet again and one asks the
other, "What did you find in your sack?"

"Half a million"

"Aw... that's a lot! What did you do with the cash?"

"I bought a house. How about your sack?"

"Bah... it was full o' bills"

"And what did you do with them?"

"Eh well . . . little by little, I'm paying them off . . ."

Quiet Man

Sophie and Shirley, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community,
are curious about the latest arrival in their building -- a quiet,
nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself.

Shirley says," Sophie, you know I'm shy. Why don't you go over to him
at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely."

Sophie agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and
says, "Excuse me, mister. I hope I'm not prying, but my friend and I
were wondering why you looked so lonely."

"Of course I'm lonely, he says, "I've spent the past 20 years in

"You're kidding! What for?"

"For killing my third wife. I strangled her."

"What happened to your second wife?"

"I shot her."

"And, if I may ask, your first wife?"

"We had a fight and she fell off a building."

"Oh my," says Sophie. Then turning to her friend on the other side of
the pool, she yells, "Yoo hoo, Shirley. He's single."

Sunday School

A Sunday School teacher read a passage from the Old Testament book of
Jonah to her class:

"And the Lord appointed a great fish to swallow up Jonah; and Jonah
was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights. Then Jonah
prayed to the Lord his God from the belly of the fish, saying 'I
called to the Lord in my hour of my distress and He answered me.'
...and the Lord spoke to the fish, and it vomited out Jonah upon the
dry land." (Jonah 1:17)

When she had finished reading, the teacher said, "Now, children, you
have heard the Bible story of Jonah and the whale. What does this
story teach us?"

Ten-year-old Mark shouted out, "You can't keep a good man down!"

Help! I've been robbed!

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that
her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her
situation to the dispatcher:

"They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and
even the accelerator!" she cried.

The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says,
"She got in the back-seat by mistake."

Thursday, November 25, 2004

Here's a little fun that didn't come in my email

I finished my dinner and made my way back to my well worn comfy computer chair and found this open on my screen and decided to fill it out. Not surprising, I got the same results as my daughter:

You Are the Stuffing

You're complicated and complex, yet all your pieces fit together.
People miss you if you're gone - but they're not sure why.

Thanksgiving Lesson

There was an old married couple that had happily lived together for
nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by
the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke.
The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her
eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air.

Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in
the morning. He told her that he couldn't help it. She begged him to
see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband wouldn't
hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function and
then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away
with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it
and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out."

The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband
continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until
one Thanksgiving morning. Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to
prepare the family feast. She fixed pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy
and of course a turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's innards,
a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's
problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts
into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent
husband would awake.

While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then
gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of
the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced
the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family

Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal
loud-ass trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream
and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs
bathroom. The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to
tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up
with him she had finally gotten even.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood
stained underpants, with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip
to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter. He said,
"Honey, you were right - all those years you warned me and I didn't
listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one
of these days, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God
and these two fingers, I think I got 'em all back in."

All The Kids are Coming Home For Thanksgiving

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says,
"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and
I are divorcing; Our forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what the heck are you talking about," the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,"the old man says.
"We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this,
so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And then he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
" No Way they're getting a divorce, she shouts. "I'll take care of this."
She then calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man,
"You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there.
I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow EARLY.
Until then don't do a thing!!!,
And then she hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone, smiles and turns to his wife. "
Well Honey that takes care of that.. All the kids are now
coming for Thanksgiving and guess what dear ?
. . . . their even paying their own way."

How to Cook a Turkey

Step 1: Go buy a turkey & a bottle of Wild Turkey 101-Proof
Step 2: Take a drink of WT-101
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of WT-101
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more WT drinks
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky poo
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: WwwT another wottle of get
Step 11: Stuck a turkey UP the thermometer
Step 12: Glass Uself a pour of DoubleUT (WT)
Step 13: Book the wwwtt for 4-ours
Step 14: Took the oven out of the turk
Step 15: (hic) pete - Took the oven out of the turk
Step 16: Floor the turk up off of the picky
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get uself awother ww-hic-tttt
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour Uself a gas of turk
Step 20: Bless the Lord oh turk, and pass the wt

Top 10 Reasons College Students Are Looking Forward to Thanksgiving Break

10. You know that your turkey is a Butterball rather than a Grade E
yet semi-edible furball.
9. Your mother will not be serving your mashed potatoes and stuffing
with an ice cream scooper.
8. Pumpkin pie is a great alternative to green Jello.
7. After your eighth glass of cider, your emergency dash to the
bathroom will not be delayed by having to line the seat with toilet
6. Clean underwear, comfortable bed, access to a car, bedroom larger
than a 12x14 cell... OK, even if it is for only four days.
5. To eat your meals, the only trek you'll have to make is from the
couch to the kitchen, rather than the dorm to the dining
below freezing weather.
4. Instead of listening to "when I first started teaching here..." you
can be entertained by "when your mother was your age..." and "during
the Depression we weren't lucky enough to have brussel sprouts. Hell,
all we could afford was the sprout!"
3. You can eat your corn steamed with butter rather than popped in
your microwave
2. You'll know the hair in the shower drain is your own.
1. You won't be eating your Thanksgiving meal off a tray!

Sunday, November 14, 2004

Object Gender

You may not know that many non-living things have a gender. For example:

1) Ziploc Bags -- They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

2) Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it and, of course, there's the hot air component.

5) Sponges -- Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8) Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight can shift to the bottom.

9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10) Remote Control -- Female. Ha! You thought it'd be Male. But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

Saturday, November 13, 2004


A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. While
doing this, the clerk spots two penguins sitting on the back seat of
the car. He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back
The man in the car says, "I found them. I asked myself what to do with
them, but I haven't a clue."
The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo."
"Yeah, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away.
The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The
clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.
"Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the
"Oh, I did," says the driver, "and we had a swell time. Today I'm
taking them to the beach."


There are two plastic jugs filled with water. How could you put all of
this water into a barrel, without using the jugs or any dividers, and
still tell which water came from which jug?

(Solution can be found in the comments)

The Little Old Lady

There was a little old lady who was very spiritual and she would step out on her porch every day, raise her arms to the
sky and yell, "Praise the Lord."
One day, an atheist bought the house next door to her, and he became very irritated with the spiritual lady. So after a month or so of her yelling, "Praise the Lord" from her porch, he went outside on his porch and yelled back, "There is no Lord."
Yet, the little old lady continued.
One cold, wintry day, when the little old lady couldn't get to the store, she went out on her porch, raised her hands up to the sky and said, "Help me Lord,
I have no more money,
it's cold, and I have no food."
The next morning, she went outside, and there were three bags of food on the porch, enough to last her a week.
"Praise the Lord," she yelled.
The Atheist stepped out from the bushes and said, "There is no Lord hahaha,
I bought those groceries!"
(Hold on...the ending is pretty good!).
The little old lady raised her arms to
the sky and said, "Praise the Lord,
You sent me groceries and You
made the Devil pay for them!"

The Cab Ride

A cabbie picks up a Nun.
She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".
She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:
#1, you have to be single and
#2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss tha! t would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

Men Strike Back


Men strike back!!!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place
to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things"
that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman
is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with
"A man once told me.."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough
to build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door
and your wife is yelling at the front door,
who do you let in first?
The dog, of course.
He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Scientists have discovered a food
that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake
Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Friday, November 12, 2004


When making public policy decisions about new technologies for the
Government, I think one should ask oneself which technologies would
best strengthen the hand of a police state. Then, do not allow the
Government to deploy those technologies.
- Philip Zimmermann

Wars teach us not to love our enemies, but to hate our allies.
- W. L. George

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their
feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop
- Steven Wright

Of those who say nothing, few are silent.
- Thomas Neill

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other
- Lucille S. Harper

The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. What is called
resignation is confirmed desperation.
- Henry David Thoreau

One survey found that ten percent of Americans thought Joan of Arc was
Noah's wife....
- Robert Boynton

Reality is another person's idea of how things should be.
- Author Unknown

The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any
use to oneself.
- Oscar Wilde

In matrimony, to hesitate is sometimes to be saved.
- Samuel Butler

Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.
- Oscar Levant

History is the version of past events that people have decided to
agree upon.
- Napoleon Bonaparte

Beware the engineers of society, I say, who would make everyone in all
the world equal. Opportunity should be equal, must be equal, but
achievement must remain individual.
- R.A. Salvatore

Only the little people pay taxes.
- Leona Helmsley, hotel owner and prison inmate, 1989

The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our
enemies; probably because generally they are the same people.
- G. K. Chesterton

If you can find something everyone agrees on, it's wrong.
- Mo Udall

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along
with people, of getting things done.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower

Anyone nit-picking enough to write a letter of correction to an editor
doubtless deserves the error that provoked it.
- Alvin Toffler

We're all in this alone.
- Lily Tomlin

Freedom has many difficulties and democracy is not perfect, but we
never had to put up a wall to keep our people in.
- John Fitzgerald Kennedy

The greatest of faults, I should say, is to be conscious of none.
- Thomas Carlyle

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
- George Carlin

Intelligence has nothing to do with politics.
- Londo Molari

A man who marries a woman to educate her falls a victim to the same
fallacy as the woman who marries a man to reform him.
- Elbert Hubbard

Speak when you are angry--and you will make the best speech you'll
ever regret.
- Laurence J. Peter

Acting is the most minor of gifts and not a very high-class way to
earn a living. After all, Shirley Temple could do it at the age of
- Katharine Hepburn

Say NO to Housework

Just in time for the holidays!
I know I'm going to find these very useful.

Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a
helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun.
Call it an SPF factor of 15 and leave it alone.

Artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from
the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere.
If someone points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look confused and exclaim,
"What? And spoil the mood?"
(Or just throw glitter on them & call them holiday decorations.)

Pet Hair:
Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the
doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sewn play animals for underprivileged children. (Also keeps out cold drafts in winter.)

If unexpected company is coming, pile everything
unsightly into one room and close the door.
As you show your guests through your tidy home,
rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say,
"I'd love you to see our den, but Fluffy hates to be
disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."

If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place
a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that
"This is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes."

General Cleaning:
Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner
with four cups of water in a spray bottle.
Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in
conspicuous locations.
Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself on the couch
and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere."

As a last resort, light the oven, throw a teaspoon of
cinnamon in a pie pan, turn off oven and explain that you
have been baking cookies for a bake sale for a favorite charity and haven't had time to clean...
Works every time.

Another favorite, I think from Erma Bombeck:
Always keep several get well cards on the mantle so if unexpected guests arrive, you can say you've been sick
and unable to clean.

Thursday, November 11, 2004

New Guy in Town

A ventriloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a rancher sitting on
his porch with his dog:
Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?"
Rancher: "This dog don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin alright"
Rancher: (Extreme look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)"
Dog: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and
takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Rancher: (Look of disbelief)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Rancher: "Horses don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it goin?"
Horse: "Cool."
Rancher: (an even wilder look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at rancher)
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes
me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the
Rancher: (total look of amazement)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?"
Rancher: (stuttering, and hardly able to talk)......
"Th-Th-Them sheep ain't nothin but liars!!!"

Theater Sleeper

The usher was making his rounds during the movie when he noticed a
gentleman sprawled across three seats.
He approached and told him he could not stay like that as he was using
up three seats. He got no response. He then told him if he did not get
up he would get the manager.
The manager came and asked him to sit up on one seat or he would call
the police and have him removed. Still no response.
The police came and asked him his name. He faintly answered, “Sam.”
“Well Sam,” said the officer, “Where are you from?”
The man very slowly raised his arm and pointed up and said very
faintly, “The balcony.”

Class Poll

A teacher of an adult sex education class was taking a survey on the
regularity of sex for men. He kept noticing a little man in the back
jumping up and down at his seat and rubbing hands together. He
decided to just ignore him and go on with the survey.

"How many men have sex once a day?” he asked. A few raised their
hands while the little man in the back just clapped his.

"How about once a week?” A few more hands went up.

“How about once a month?” Most hands went up with this and there was
only the jittery man in the back who hadn't raised his hand yet.
Determined to get him in the survey the teacher said, "Every three
months? 6 months? Alright, how about once a year?” The little man
jumps up and starts dancing and singing "me – me."

The teacher shakes his head and says, "How can anyone who has sex only
once a year be so happy about it?”

The little man sings, "Tonight’s the night."

Dangerous Profession

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures
on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook,
and an eye patch. The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the
peg leg?"
The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept
overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out,
a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"?
"Well," replied the pirate, "we were boarding an enemy ship and were
battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye-patch"?
"A seagull pooped in my eye," replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked
"Well,", said the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Hick Astrology


It has become pretty obvious to us
hicks in the south
that our present astrological signs
have served their purpose
and that we should get rid of them.

When I'm out driving around I'll see bulls,
and once in a great while
I suppose I'll even see a ram.

Up the street from me there's some twins,
but I don't see them much.

The rest of these things are just too obscure.
You only see crabs on vacation.
There are no lions or scorpions,
not many archers and no damn water bearers.
The neighborhood's not crawling with them either.

SO, what we need here is some relevance.
We need things we can recognize up there in the night sky.


Dec 22 - Jan 20 - OKRA
Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick
on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence.
An older Okra can look back over his life
and see the seeds of his influence everywhere.
Stay away from Moon Pies.

Jan 21 - Feb 19 - CHITLIN
Chitlins often come from humble backgrounds.
Many times they're uncomfortable talking about
just where they came from. A chitlin, however,
can make something of himself if he's motivated
and has plenty of seasoning. When it comes to
dealing with Chitlins, be very careful. Chitlins can
burn and then erupt like Vesuvius, and this can make
for a really terrible mess.
Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.
Remember that when marriage time rolls around.

Feb 20 - Mar 20 - BOLL WEEVIL
You have an overwhelming curiosity.
You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you
feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything.
Needless to say, you are very intense and driven
as if you had some inner hunger.
Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you,
so don't worry about it.

Mar 21 - Apr 20 - MOON PIE
You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch.
It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of
Moon Pies. "Big" and "round" are the key words here.
You should marry anybody who
you can get remotely interested in the idea.
It's not going to be easy.
This might be the year to think about aerobics.
Maybe not.

Apr 21 - May 21 - POSSUM
When confronted with life's difficulties,
possums have a marked tendency to withdraw
and develop a "don't -bother -me -about -it" attitude.
Sometimes you become so withdrawn,
people actually think you're dead.
This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy,
but seems to work for you.
One day, however, it won't work, and
you may find your problems actually running you over.

May 22 - Jun 21 - CRAWFISH
Crawfish is a water sign.
If you work in an office,
you're always hanging around the water cooler.
Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains,
the pool to the golf course,
the bathtub to the living room.
You tend not to be particularly attractive physically,
but you have very, very good heads.

Jun 22 - Jul 23 - COLLARDS
Collards have a genius for communication.
They love to get in the "melting pot" of life and
share their essence with the essences of those around them.
Collards make good social workers,
psychologists and baseball managers.
As far as your personal life goes,
if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies.
It just won't work.
Save yourself a lot of heartache.

Jul 24 - Aug 23 - CATFISH
Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart,
with one exception:
Whiskers may cause problems for loved ones.
You catfish are never easy people to understand.
You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life.
Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

Aug 24 - Sep 23 - GRITS
Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself.
You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits.
You love to travel, though,
so maybe you should think about joining a club.
Where do you like to go?
Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs.
If you can go somewhere where they have all these things,
that serves you well.

Sep 24 - Oct 23 - BOILED PEANUTS
You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man.
Unfortunately, those who know you best
-your friends and loved ones -
may find that your personality is much too salty,
and their criticism will probably affect you deeply
because you are really much softer than you appear.
You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to
because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life.
On the road of life, you can be sure that people
will always pull over and stop for you.

Oct 24 - Nov 22 - BUTTER BEAN
Always invite a Butter Bean because
Butter Beans get along well with everybody.
You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud.
You've grown on the vine of life and
you feel at home no matter what the setting.
You can sit next to anybody.
However, you, too,
shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.

Nov 23 - Dec 21 - ARMADILLO
You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior,
but you are actually quite gentle.
A good evening for you?
Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects.
You are a throwback.
You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends.
You're not concerned with anything about today.
You're really almost prehistoric
in your interests and behavior patterns.
You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but
Possum is another, somewhat kinky, mating possibility.


(I have decided to include an entire Gmail group conversation here...the names have been changed to protect the innocent...and the guilty)

Paul: can someone please send me 10gallons of lotion. i got into a fight
with a razor over the idea of getting some this weekend :-(

-Itchy in (location withheld)

Kathy: if it's itching right away after doing it, you probably didn't use a
fresh razor blade... try the tripple bladed ones, they work best in
more delicate areas... if it's been a few days and it's itching,
well.. maybe the stubble it causing the irritation, which means you
need to either let it grow out or shave it again really fast before
you get too irritatetd then try to shave it which will be a bloody
mess... LMAO... either way, you're fucked... or NOT... for a few
days... LMAO... chalk this one up as lessons learned?

Alice: you know they make nair for men now, right?

John: Did you shave your fucking balls? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH(E^423)

Ken: Sponsored Links
Razor Blades by SBI - High performance cutting blades in all
shapes & sizes - 1-800-252-3371

Shaving Sets from Italy - polish brass, stainless steel, gold ceramic,
resin, wood, horn, etc

Related Pages

Fire Ants, Kissing Bugs and Mosquitoes - Oct 19, 2004 - According to Richard M. Weber,
MD, National Jewish Medical and ...

How Does Shaving Work? - Have you always wondered how shaving works? Whether
you're thinking ...

lol @related links

Abe: Sponsored Links
Bikini Touch - Seen on TV
Gentle intimate trimmer leaves no ingrown hairs or razor bumps!

Alice: Sponsored Links
Eliminate Pubic Hair - Kalo prevents hair from growing Safe on
pubic hair and guaranteed

Abe: tryin to eat here!

Kathy: you're a teenaged male, Abe... of course you are eating... [rolls
eyes] it's not like we're putting a hair pie in front of you!!!

Alice: whoever you are trying to eat, I hope she shaved ;-)

Lou: Eliminate Pubic Hair - Kalo prevents hair from growing Safe on
pubic hair and guaranteed


Abe: lol .. you guys need to fill up some of that free time

Ken: Fire Ants, Kissing Bugs and Mosquitoes - Oct 19, 2004 - According to Richard M. Weber,
MD, National Jewish Medical and ...
Shaving - Shave Using Intimate Personal Shavers - Hair removal and shaving resources for
safety and comfort.

i wonder why keeps coming back... Paul got fire
ants in his badly-shaved crotch?
hair-removal-shaver --- what a thoughtful .com name... you'd never
guess what that site was about... [/sarcasm]

Abe: we all know that we'll never see [/sarcasm] from Ken

Lou: :/

Fart Football

An old married couple had no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, "Seven points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha, I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Not to be outdone, the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.
Now the pressure is on the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally
s**ts in the bed.
The wife says, "What the h*ll was that?"
The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."

Monday, November 08, 2004

Long Boot

Next time you want to complain about how long it takes to boot up your computer, just remember this little story:

Computer Advertising Terms Defined

NEW - Different color from previous design.
ALL NEW - Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.
EXCLUSIVE - Imported product.
UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition.
FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments.
ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it.
IT'S HERE AT LAST - Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.
FIELD TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment.
HIGH ACCURACY - Unit on which all parts fit.
FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does.
REDESIGNED - Previous flaws fixed - we hope.
DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had a big argument with distributor.
YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one to work.
BREAKTHROUGH - We finally figured out a use for it.
MAINTENANCE FREE - Impossible to fix.
MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours.
SOLID-STATE - Heavy as anything!
HIGH RELIABILITY - We made it work long enough to ship it.

Sunday, November 07, 2004


One morning while making breakfast,
a man walked up to his wife, pinched
her on the butt and said,
"If you firmed this up, we could get
rid of your control top panty hose".

While this was on the edge of
intolerable, she kept silent.

The next morning, the man woke his
wife with a pinch on each of her breasts
and said,
"You know, if you firmed these
up, we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silent response.
She rolled over and grabbed him by
his wackie.

With a death grip in place, she said,
"You know, if you firmed this up,
we could get rid of the gardener,
the pool man, and your brother ."

Saturday, November 06, 2004

Cussing 101

A 6-year old boy and a 4-year old boy are upstairs in their bedroom.

"You know what?" says the 6 year old.
"I think it's about time we started cussing."

The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast,
I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass'.

The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies,

"Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."


He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.

His mom locks him in his room and shouts,
"You can just stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice,
"And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers,
"but you can bet your sweet ass it won't be Cheerios."

Thursday, November 04, 2004

Some Rules for Life

1. You need only two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move, and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.
2. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are "I apologize" and "You are right."
3. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
4. Never pass up an opportunity to go potty.
5. If You Woke up Breathing, Congratulations! You have another chance!

And Finally.....

6. Be Really Good To Your Family and Friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan!

Simple Home Remedies

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the toilet seat by simply peeing in the sink.
4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, you will be too afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, you will forget about the tooth ache.

A Beautiful Story

He almost didn't see the old lady, stranded on the side of the road, but even in the dim light of day, he could see she needed help. So he pulled up in front of her Mercedes and got out.

His Pontiac was still sputtering when he approached her. Even with the smile on his face, she was worried. No one had stopped to help for the last hour or so .. was he going to hurt her? He didn't look safe; he looked poor and hungry.

He could see that she was frightened, standing out there in the cold. He knew how she felt. It was that chill which only fear can put in you. He said, "I'm here to help you, ma'am. Why don't you wait in the car where it's warm? By the way, my name is Bryan Anderson."

Well, all she had was a flat tire, but for an old lady, that was bad enough. Bryan crawled under the car looking for a place to put the jack, skinning his knuckles a time or two. Soon he was able to change the tire. But he had to get dirty and his hands hurt.

As he was tightening up the lug nuts, she rolled down the window and began to talk to him. She told him that she was from St. Louis and was only just passing through. She couldn't thank him enough for coming to her aid. Bryan just smiled as he closed her trunk.

The lady asked how much she owed him. Any amount would have been all right with her. She already imagined all the awful things that could have happened had he not stopped. Bryan never thought twice about being paid. This was not a job to him. This was helping someone in need, and God knows there were plenty who had given him a hand in the past. He had lived his whole life that way, and it never occurred to him to act any other way.

He told her that if she really wanted to pay him back, the next time she saw someone who needed help, she could give that person the assistance they needed, and Bryan added, "And think of me."

He waited until she started her car and drove off. It had been a cold and depressing day, but he felt good as he headed for home, disappearing into the twilight.

A few miles down the road the lady saw a small cafe. She went in to grab a bite to eat, and take the chill off before she made the last leg of her trip home.

It was a dingy looking restaurant. Outside were two old gas pumps. The whole scene was unfamiliar to her. The waitress came over and brought a clean towel to wipe her wet hair. She had a sweet smile, one that even being on her feet for the whole day couldn't erase.

The lady noticed the waitress was nearly eight months pregnant, but she never let the strain and aches change her attitude. The old lady wondered how someone who had so little could be so giving to a stranger. Then she remembered Bryan.

After the lady finished her meal, she paid with a hundred dollar bill. The waitress quickly went to get change for her hundred dollar bill, but the old lady had slipped right out the door. She was gone by the time the waitress came back.

The waitress wondered where the lady could be. Then she noticed something written on the napkin. There were tears in her eyes when she read what the lady wrote: "You don't owe me anything. I have been there too. Somebody once helped me out, the way I'm helping you. If you really want to pay me back, here is what you do: Do not let this chain of love end with you." Under the napkin were four more $100 bills.

Well, there were tables to clear, sugar bowls to fill, and people to serve, but the waitress made it through another day. That night when she got home from work and climbed into bed, she was thinking about the money and what the lady had written. How could the lady have known how much she and her husband needed it? With the baby due next month, it was going to be hard.. She knew how worried her husband was, and as he lay sleeping next to her, she gave him a soft kiss and whispered soft and low, "Everything's gonna be all right. I love you, Bryan Anderson."

There is an old saying "What goes around comes around."

Chocolate Mathematics

This is pretty neat how it works out.
This is cool chocolate math!!!!!!!


It takes less than a minute.......
Work this out as you read.

Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!

This is not one of those waste of time things,
it's fun.

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate. (Try for more than once but less than 10)

2. Multiply this number by 2. (Just to be bold)

3. Add 5. (for Sunday)

4. Multiply it by 50. (I'll wait while you get the calculator................)

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1754.... If you haven't, add 1753 .....

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.

You should have a three digit number.

The first digit of this was your original number (i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).

The next two numbers are ........
YOUR AGE! ~ ( Oh YES, it IS!!!!! )


Adult Fairytales

CINDERELLA wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2:00 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5:00 a.m. Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"
" I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no prince with that kind of power!
Tell me his name!"
Cinderella replied, I can't remember, exactly, ..Peter, Peter, something or other..."
PINOCCHIO had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a sword to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"
To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a 44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No, you're not.
You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book."
MICKEY MOUSE and MINNIE MOUSE were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy."
Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's f**king Goofy."
SNOW WHITE saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying, "Lie to me! Lie to me!"
Did you know...Captain Hook died from jock itch.
One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged to have sex. "What's that?" he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree."
Horrified, she said, " Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread her legs. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"
"Just checking for bees," said Tarzan.

The Goldmans

Harvey and Gladys Goldman are getting ready for bed.

Gladys is standing in front of her full-length mirror, taking a long, hard look at herself.

"You know, Harvey," she comments, "I stare into this mirror and I see an ancient creature.
My face is all wrinkled, my boobs sag so much that they dangle to my waist, my arms and legs are as flabby as popped balloons, butt looks like a sad, deflated version of the Hindenburg!"

She turns to face her husband and says, "Dear, please tell me just one positive thing about my body so I can feel better about myself."

Harvey studies Gladys critically for a moment and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice,
"Well...there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

Services for Harvey Goldman will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 at Beth Israel Synagogue. Female friends of the family are invited.

The Doctor's Visit

I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam.

His new nurse, Elaine, took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed and have a seat
until the doctor could see me.
She said that he would only be a few minutes.

After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down.

While waiting I observed that there were three items
on a stand next to the exam table:
a Tube of K-Y jelly;
a rubber glove;
and a beer.

When the doctor finally came in I said,
"Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the
K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"

At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.
He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse.......

"Darn it, ELAINE..........
I said a 'BUTT LIGHT'!!!!!"

How many of these do you remember?

Candy cigarettes
Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside
Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes
Blackjack, Clove and Teaberry chewing gum
Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
Newsreels before the movie
P.F. Fliers
Telephone numbers with a word prefix....(Raymond 4-601).
Party lines
Howdy Dowdy
45 RPM records
Green Stamps
Metal ice cube trays with levers
Mimeograph paper
Beanie and Cecil
Roller-skate keys
Cork pop guns
Drive ins
Washtub wringers
The Fuller Brush Man
Reel-To-Reel tape recorders
Erector Sets
The Fort Apache Play Set
Lincoln Logs
15 cent McDonald hamburgers
5 cent packs of baseball cards -
with that awful pink slab of bubble gum
Penny candy
35 cent a gallon gasoline
Jiffy Pop popcorn

Do you remember a time when...

Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-moe"?
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "Do Over!"?
"Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest?
Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening?
It wasn't odd to have two or three "Best Friends"?
The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was "cooties"?
Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot?
A foot of snow was a dream come true?
Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute commercials for action figures?
"Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense?
Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause for giggles?
The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team?
War was a card game?
Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle?
Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin?
Water balloons were the ultimate weapon?

If you can remember most or all of these, then you have lived!!!!!!!


It's Getting Chilly

There was a chill in the air.

A man came walking up to the house when he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa what are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below your waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said,
"Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on,
and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea."

The Important Things

When things in your life seem almost too much to
handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar...and the 2 cups of coffee...

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured
it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "
I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.

The golf balls are the important things: family, your children, your health, your friends,and your favorite passions...things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your lifewould still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your
job, your house, and your car.

The sand is everything else-the small stuff.

"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will
never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal."

Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

Gambling Granny

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000".

The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"

The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square." The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?" "Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square." "Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness." "No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square. The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before.

Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige. The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure." The elderly woman did so with a little smile.

Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"

A True Story

by Malcolm Forbes

A lady in a faded gingham dress and her husband, dressed in a homespun threadbare suit, stepped off the train in Boston, and walked timidly without an appointment into the Harvard University President's outer office.

The secretary could tell in a moment that such backwoods, country hicks had no business at Harvard and probably didn't even deserve to be in Cambridge.

"We want to see the president," the man said softly.
"He'll be busy all day," the secretary snapped.
"We'll wait," the lady replied.

For hours the secretary ignored them, hoping that the couple would finally become discouraged and go away. They didn't and the secretary grew frustrated and finally decided to disturb the president, even though it was a chore she always regretted.

"Maybe if you see them for a few minutes, they'll leave," she said to him.

He sighed in exasperation and nodded. Someone of his importance obviously didn't have the time to spend with them, but he detested gingham dresses and homespun suits cluttering up his outer office.

The president, stern faced and with dignity, strutted toward the couple.

The lady told him, "We had a son who attended Harvard for one year. He loved Harvard. He was happy here. But about a year ago, he was accidentally killed. My husband and I would like to erect a memorial to him, somewhere on campus."

The president wasn't touched.... He was shocked.
"Madam," he said, gruffly, "we can't put up a statue for every person who attended Harvard and died. If we did, this place would look like a cemetery."

"Oh, no," the lady explained quickly. "We don't want to erect a statue. We thought we would like to give a building to Harvard."

The president rolled his eyes. He glanced at the gingham dress and homespun suit, then exclaimed, "A building! Do you have any earthly idea how much a building costs? We have over seven and a half million dollars in the physical buildings here at Harvard."

For a moment the lady was silent. The president was pleased. Maybe he could get rid of them now.

The lady turned to her husband and said quietly, "Is that all it costs to start a university? Why don't we just start our own?"

Her husband nodded.

The president's face wilted in confusion and bewilderment.

Mr. and Mrs. Leland Stanford got up and walked away, traveling to Palo Alto, California where they established the university that bears their name, Stanford University, a memorial to a son that Harvard no longer cared about.

You can easily judge the character of others by how they treat those who they think can do nothing for them.