Thursday, January 01, 2009

Gratuitous Email Rant

Dear All,

Heartfelt thank you to all my e-mail friends.

As another year will shortly be a memory, my heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Extra thanks for the ones that I have to open 15 times to get to the message.

Special thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes 'cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope. Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer drink Pepsi, or Dr Pepper, since the people who make these products are atheists who won't put "Under God" on their cans. I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from, nor send packages by UPS, or FedEx, since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise. I no longer answer the phone, because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan. I no longer eat KFC, because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike. I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus, since I now have their recipe. I no longer worry about my soul, because at last count I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. I no longer have any savings, because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).

I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favors!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM (EDT) this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of mine's next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

Have a very HAPPY NEW YEAR!


Anonymous said...

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If you wish You can visit..


Anonymous said...

in my view all those who have told you these things are stupid or are people that will belive anything so to all the people who are gullible wise up if you belive anything i have some good swampland to sell you and to all the christins christ will return but dont run around like a bunch of hens with your heads cut off

Anonymous said...

im tired of people outlawing gay marriage like you out there i hated those that were gay untill one day by a miracle i found someone that actually cared to listen he understood my pains distance is keeping us apart so i can express a loveing thank you im hopeing that we can one day meet but im broke dont know what to do

matt clark 1075 said...

employ all the billons of people out of work to clean up the oil spill after all regular people have been comeing up with the ideas to clean it up instead of bp and i say we should boycott bp untill bp clens up theyre crap

matt clark 1075 said...

thats all folks matt clark has left the building congraulations rush limbaugh and your bride will there be any baby rushes anytime soon