Monday, July 05, 2004

Hick Astrology


It has become pretty obvious to us
hicks in the south
that our present astrological signs
have served their purpose
and that we should get rid of them.
When I'm out driving around I'll see bulls,
and once in a great while
I suppose I'll even see a ram.
Up the street from me there's some twins,
but I don't see them much.
The rest of these things are just too obscure.
You only see crabs on vacation.
There are no lions or scorpions,
not many archers and no damn water bearers.
The neighborhood's not crawling with them either.
SO, what we need here is some relevance.
We need things we can recognize up there in the night sky.


Dec 22 - Jan 20 - OKRA
Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick
on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence.
An older Okra can look back over his life
and see the seeds of his influence everywhere.
Stay away from Moon Pies.

Jan 21 - Feb 19 - CHITLIN
Chitlins often come from humble backgrounds.
Many times they're uncomfortable talking about
just where they came from. A chitlin, however,
can make something of himself if he's motivated
and has plenty of seasoning. When it comes to
dealing with Chitlins, be very careful. Chitlins can
burn and then erupt like Vesuvius, and this can make
for a really terrible mess.
Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.
Remember that when marriage time rolls around.

Feb 20 - Mar 20 - BOLL WEEVIL
You have an overwhelming curiosity.
You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you
feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything.
Needless to say, you are very intense and driven
as if you had some inner hunger.
Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you,
so don't worry about it.

Mar 21 - Apr 20 - MOON PIE
You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch.
It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of
Moon Pies. "Big" and "round" are the key words here.
You should marry anybody who
you can get remotely interested in the idea.
It's not going to be easy.
This might be the year to think about aerobics.
Maybe not.

Apr 21 - May 21 - POSSUM
When confronted with life's difficulties,
possums have a marked tendency to withdraw
and develop a "don't -bother -me -about -it" attitude.
Sometimes you become so withdrawn,
people actually think you're dead.
This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy,
but seems to work for you.
One day, however, it won't work, and
you may find your problems actually running you over.

May 22 - Jun 21 - CRAWFISH
Crawfish is a water sign.
If you work in an office,
you're always hanging around the water cooler.
Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains,
the pool to the golf course,
the bathtub to the living room.
You tend not to be particularly attractive physically,
but you have very, very good heads.

Jun 22 - Jul 23 - COLLARDS
Collards have a genius for communication.
They love to get in the "melting pot" of life and
share their essence with the essences of those around them.
Collards make good social workers,
psychologists and baseball managers.
As far as your personal life goes,
if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies.
It just won't work.
Save yourself a lot of heartache.

Jul 24 - Aug 23 - CATFISH
Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart,
with one exception:
Whiskers may cause problems for loved ones.
You catfish are never easy people to understand.
You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life.
Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

Aug 24 - Sep 23 - GRITS
Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself.
You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits.
You love to travel, though,
so maybe you should think about joining a club.
Where do you like to go?
Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs.
If you can go somewhere where they have all these things,
that serves you well.

Sep 24 - Oct 23 - BOILED PEANUTS
You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man.
Unfortunately, those who know you best
-your friends and loved ones -
may find that your personality is much too salty,
and their criticism will probably affect you deeply
because you are really much softer than you appear.
You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to
because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life.
On the road of life, you can be sure that people
will always pull over and stop for you.

Oct 24 - Nov 22 - BUTTER BEAN
Always invite a Butter Bean because
Butter Beans get along well with everybody.
You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud.
You've grown on the vine of life and
you feel at home no matter what the setting.
You can sit next to anybody.
However, you, too,
shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.

Nov 23 - Dec 21 - ARMADILLO
You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior,
but you are actually quite gentle.
A good evening for you?
Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects.
You are a throwback.
You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends.
You're not concerned with anything about today.
You're really almost prehistoric
in your interests and behavior patterns.
You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but
Possum is another, somewhat kinky, mating possibility.

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